DEFINE choice

I sat on the edge of an examining table waiting for the results of blood work for a mystery illness.  My body was rebelling.  I hadn't been sick, yet I kept getting slower.  My mile repeats 3 months ago were all between 5:05 and 5:20.  Now, my mile in competition was barely a 5:10.  Why when my training had been consistent, and manageable, was I getting worse?!  The soft knock on the door stops the beating of my heart for a split second and forces a slight cough from my throat.  The doctor enters.  His face is white.  Whatever is wrong with me it must be terminal.  I can't look at him because when I do my skin prickles as the panic tries to find a way out.  "Miss Cooper...."   "you're pregnant".  I laugh.  He stares quizzically.
"What about the father?"  I point to my left ring finger.
"He'll be excited."  The Doctor exhales.  Finally.  The doctor finds relief, but I don't.  I am on a half-ride athletic scholarship and I can't afford to continue my education without it.  Not to mention that before this pregnancy my training had me on track to put out some really spectacular performances.  This pregnancy could mess up everything; my education, my athletic and professional careers.  Everything.

As some of my readers know I did contemplate aborting him.  Instead, I told my future husband, and his enthusiasm helped to carry me through my fears about parenthood.  I was terrified to tell my coach.  He had the power to pull my scholarship for this.  I was team captain, and our fastest distance runner.  Most Division 1 coaches would pull my scholarship.  This is where my story begins.  My story is one about true choice.

I forced my husband to come along for our "reveal".  He was afraid there would be a conflict.  My coach and I had had a few of those in the past.  Instead, there was a simple acceptance that this would require a "red shirt".  In college sports that means that you sit out a season, but you'll get that season back the next year.  My coach was very supportive of my situation.  He let me keep my scholarship.  He didn't force me to chose between motherhood and an education, or between motherhood and respect, or between motherhood and an ATHLETIC career.  He allowed me to have it all.  I'm not the only female athlete for whom he did this.

Right after track practice! I'm too tired to shower!

                                                     

Our team was populated with several girls who had chosen to keep their unwanted TEENAGE pregnancies. You heard me, TEENAGE.  I had several teammates who had their babies while still in high school, yet were able to be top athletes in their states, thanks to supportive parents and communities.  He offered them scholarships while most other Division 1 Coaches scoffed at them.  One of my teammates ran a 2:12 800m as a senior in high school less than a year after giving birth to her daughter.  While IU laughed at her and told her that her daughter would never be welcomed at any team events, our coach allowed the kids to come to our practices.  Daycare is not always available to young mothers that are full-time students.  THAT IS CHOICE isn't it?  Guess what, he was Catholic also.  He was living his values.  He never once proclaimed his place on the Pro-Choice/Pro-Life issue.  He lived it.  He was obviously pro-life.  He didn't need to go out and hold up posters, because he was taking real action.  Besides posters alienate and miscommunicate, but his actions were a clear embrace of what it meant to truly chose life.  He truly support women's rights.  When my teammate (the one I mentioned earlier) chose to leave the team for her daughter, it was truly HER choice because she was more than welcome to stay.

I think women deserve a choice, and right now they don't really have one.  Your job or baby isn't a choice, it's an ultimatum. Our society makes it nearly impossible to chose to keep life when that life is unplanned, believe me I know.  Our society treats unplanned pregnancy like a terminal illness, and abortion as its cure.  In order to truly provide choice we must support women enough that they aren't forced to chose between a pregnancy and job, a child and a career, a baby and an education, or motherhood and respect.  We must truly give them a choice by ceasing to treat unplanned pregnancy as a terminal illness.  I know that some people view each pregnancy as being very unique situation.  I disagree I think that fundamentally each choice that must be made is the same, it is usually an ultimatum and not a choice.  Do I chose the life of this child or do I chose the values of this society?  I think there needs to be a serious re-evaluation of our definition of "choice".  I am for true choice, which at this moment doesn't exist except in small pockets where people like my coach make a true choice possible.  I think that pro-lifers need to put down their posters and live their value.  It is the responsibility of Pro-Lifer's to take the ultimatum out of the equation so that women CAN chose life.  Let's start supporting women, and respecting motherhood FOR REAL.

Home-school laws for Virginia; textbooks and curriculum

So, I know I announced a while ago that I was officially home-schooling Cooper.  Well, I sorta did a 180* when an English Teaching job opened at his prospective school.  I thought I could "be there" for him in that way.  Then I found out about the discipline policy of the administrators, which is NOT appropriate for discussion in this forum.  If you are local and have questions feel free to email me.  Ask for my email in the comments section.  This new information explained A LOT of what I had experienced there as a substitute teacher, and I deemed it a hostile work environment, as well as a hostile learning environment and I withdrew my interest in the job and mailed in my "Intent to Home-school" form to the Superintendent.  So it's a done deal.

Virginia's Home-schooling laws are VERY restrictive.  Each state has their own laws, and most states offer a "religious" opt-out loop-hole.  Virginia requires that parents that intend to home-school their children provide the district Superintendent with their "qualifications", and curriculum.  Then the Superintendent looks over the information and makes the final decision.  There is no Unschooling here.  If you only have a GED, forget it, unless you have one heck of a curriculum, or have proof of enrolling your child in an online school.  At the end of each year a portfolio or test results must be submitted to prove the child has achieved objectives that are grade/age appropriate (those are two entirely different things, but go with it).  Luckily for us, we have www.soarathome.com because we are military.  If you don't have that, you can request that your child be tested with the public school kids on the state test (I am not sure of the cost of this, but I think it's free), or you can look into the CAT.  I think they run between 30-50 dollars.

Online schools you can access would be the Kahn Academy, which is free, or K12.com which may cost (depends on where you live), and I'm not sure how much it costs.  I know these two are VERY reputable.  I know there are others, but I'm not comfortable recommending them because I have little knowledge of them.  Feel free to add to this list in the comments section if you can vouch for your online school.  I know that both of these schools provide licensed teachers and are well respected.  On to curriculum.

I suggest using a curriculum if you are comfortable TEACHING your child.  I am in love with the texts I have chosen.  They will allow my son to self-guide his learning, which is important since he is almost 12 and not to into me hovering over him (insert angsty, 'maahh-oooohm' here).  I chose the grammar series by Michael Clay Thompson..  With my background as both an English teacher, and Special Education Teacher specializing in Dyslexia I must say that this process is the ONLY way to teach language to all kids.  He really breaks down language, and exposes the purpose of learning each segment and the relationship between the "ladder of Language" as I call it, or the micro to macro fro phoneme to essay!  The kids learn that words have functions (parts of speech), and the function determines a words place in sentence, and sentence punctuation relays a message and so on.  It teaches them the functionality of language instead of having them memorize the definition of a clause, comma, etc.  This is especially important for dyslexic kids.  The purpose of comma's, the function of suffixes, and their relationship to parts of speech, things that are often over-looked when grammar is taught in most classrooms.

I am getting my literature text from Kendall-Hunt.  I'm not using them for anything else, because Cooper has done their math curriculum before and not liked it.  I love their literature text because it provides kids with RELEVANT, age appropriate literature and analytic rhetoric.  It is by all means a Classical approach to literature.    I want him to think critically about what he reads.  This year I want him to learn to see the relationship between the author's life experience and the material they wrote about, as that will help him endure the boring biographical informational power point that will precede all literature he will read in public school.  I want him to be able to understand why the authors biography matters, before I send him back to public school.  Other wise he will be a very bored student.  There is often a disconnect, for students, when it comes to the purpose of the information they are receiving from their teacher.  They often think they are learning information so they can answer questions on a multiple choice test.  The Kendall-Hunt Language Arts texts, because they follow a Classical model, ensure the purpose of imparted information is clear.

I am using Challenge Math for Cooper.  It takes the student through each grade level math objective in baby steps.  This will allow Cooper, for whom math is quite the challenge, to self-guide his math instruction.  I also like Math-U-See.  Again, Cooper doesn't like this curriculum.

Science and Social studies are not as closely monitored by Superintendents, at least not for students in the Lower grades.  I will be providing him with lists of possible "units" for each subject and letting him research and teach me about the topics he's decided to learn about.  Each unit will be "tested" with his choice of project and demonstration, research paper (simple notation), or writing and grading a test he gives to me.  He will also be participating the Ft. Eustis Home-Schooler's Association T/Th PE class/get together.  No 12 year-old boy wants to hang with his mom 24/7/365!

I hope this information helps those of you who are thinking about home-schooling  in your journey to a decision.  If you are a home-schooler with valuable information to share, feel free to do so in the Comment section below!  Thanks!

God's Currency Part 2

I had a dream a few months ago.  I was in a hard wood forest.  For as far as I could see there were fat, sturdy trunks that shot straight to the sky, except where I stood.  I stood in a small open meadow.  The sun beamed into it, while the rest of the forest was darkly shadowed.  In this meadow stood, well I can hardly say "stood" it was so degenerate looking, a twisted, gnarly, crooked tree.  It was almost as if the other trees created this meadow in an attempt to steer clear of this crippled tree, all of the trees except one small sapling.  This sapling was bent as if looking up at the branches of the degenerate tree with admiration.  Then I began to communicate with the trees (yes, I have very interesting dreams).


"Why do you want to be like that tree?  Don't you want to be like those trees, straight and tall?"
"No."
"Why not?  If you grow like that you be thought of as ugly and crippled compared to the other trees."
"But the light favors it.  I want the light to favor me too."
Then I heard a voice say, "Those who suffer the greatest pain receive the most light."

At this point I was woke immediately and continued to "hear" internally, "I see this great pain in the world today.  A pain that comes from a wanting to be beautiful.  God doesn't make mistakes.  Everything he makes is beautiful."  There was much more, but I am not comfortable sharing it as of yet.  Since I was wide awake, I wrote it all down. Needless to say, I wasn't sure what exactly had happened or why.  Then a yesterday a friend shared that she had a "tree dream", not knowing of my dream.  In her dream.  She saw a tree. It's sturdy trunk was large and strong and its full branches stretched out overhead, lush and green. She was then told that it was rooted in Truth.
"Truth comes from the ground?" She wondered. 
"It was planted there by God," came the reply.

I thought this was VERY peculiar.  I didn't immediately draw any conclusion, but then after stumbling upon Isaiah 53 this morning it all made so much sense.  "He grew up like a sapling before him, like a shoot from the parched earth; There was in him no stately bearing to make us look at him, nor appearance that would attract us to him.He was spurned and avoided by men, a man of suffering, accustomed to infirmity, one of those from whom men hide their faces, spurned, and we held him in no esteem."  and on and on, the entire chapter is applicable.

I came to understand, that in my dream the gnarly tree is Christ as the world sees him.  Since Jesus said, "I have given you a model to follow, so that as I have done for you, you should also do.  Amen, amen I say to you no slave is greater than his master nor any messenger greater than the one who sent him.  If you understand this, blessed are you if you do it."  This means that if we live for him the world will also see this way.  We must die to the world.  We must cease to care about the worlds opinion of us and how we live our lives, because the world will see us as twisted and crippled.  

My friends dream then the soil is the "truth" of the word, and tree is Christ, as God sees him.  It is how we look to God when we plant our roots in the truth of Christ.  What the eyes of the world see is a lie because the heart of the world is deceived into believing that money and material goods are the currency that determines our true value.  This is not true.  Our true value is determined by our honest intentions to live as God calls us to live.  

Peace, God's Currency Part 1

A doe swollen with the life inside of her, neck arching gracefully for grazing barely notices as I run past.  For a moment our eyes meet, and she returns to her feast.  Leaves pass over head in various shades of green so vibrant I feel as if their chlorophyll and my blood pulse to the same rhythm.  If you cut me I'm pretty sure I'd bleed green.  In this state of oneness with the natural world I become acutely aware that I am but another creation of God, beating in chorus with all his creation.  I live for this time when I surrender my existence to existing and cease worrying about material existence, and listen.  Today's conversation revolved around currency.

Only when I'm at one with creation do I cease to worry about human currency and all it provides for me.  This peace that I come by when I surrender to existing as part of a much broader world, not my world but his world, this peace is God's currency.  When I see with clarity that I am but a thread woven into the fabric of all creatures for all time, and feel purposeful peace, God has paid me for my obedience in his currency.  When he tells us, for instance in the Parables of Talents, that "to the one who has, more will be given and he will grow rich, bur from one who has not, even what he has will be taken away."  God is talking about peace, NOT money.  When we use our talents for God we receive peace.  Sure Jesus could mean money or talent, and we could receive more of those things if we are using them in accordance with God's Will, but peace is GOD'S CURRENCY.  Money and worldly success are ours, Fear is satan's.  This was the conversation on my run today.

In all honesty, I have plenty of experience with this.  I have often allowed fear to creep in.  "Why hasn't he called me today?  I bet he's hurt.  If he hasn't called and he isn't hurt, what could he possibly be doing?  He'd better not be compromising our values." or, "how am I going to pay that bill?!" or "What if they all make fun of me?"  Once you head down this path you only create more fear for yourself, unless you call on your faith and hand it over to God.  The reward, then, is peace.  We are made to live in peace.  We must first turn away from all fear; fear of not having enough, of not being good enough, of not being approved of by others.  Then we will stop seeing things as the world sees them, stop seeing ourselves as the world sees us, and begin to see with God's eyes the beauty of ourselves, of others, of nature and find peace as we're meant to.  We will stop craving material stuff, and start craving Jesus, and all things divine, because we ARE divine beings.  We are children of God.  Each of us is beautiful.  Each of us has a purpose.  Each of us has a choice, daily.

INFJ

So, I don't talk about my MBTI preference often, but yesterday something happened that is common with my type.  A friend observed a physical reaction to me EMPATHING.  I have an extroverted feeling mechanism which means I take on other people's feelings.  If some one close to me, emotionally (like my children) or physically, is angry I take on that anger.  Once I take on an emotion I have to work HARD not to react out of that emotion.  I can remember being young and feeling sad, happy, angry, and not knowing why.  This emotion I was feeling wasn't how I actually felt.  It is like an emotional hi-jacking.  This is actually quite common for my MBTI type, the INFJ.

This can cause some people a lot of anxiety, and even depression.  It is really freaky if you know it's happening.  If you never figure it out you just ride this emotional roller coaster everyday and you desperately want off but see no way out since you aren't at the controls.  Luckily, as I got older I came to understand that it wasn't "my" feeling and I learned to control my reactions to these feelings.  I gained control.  Even though I gained control over my reactions, I'm not sure I ever realized what was actually happening.  I'm not sure I knew I was taking on other people's garbage, and I definitely didn't see it as a gift, or as having a purpose.  I was surviving emotionally, in that I wasn't allowing other people's emotions to send me on a roller coaster ride.  The best I was doing was having the right words of comfort for my students.  I'm not sure I was aware of WHEN I'd start empathing either.  It was more of me doing "damage control" after the fact.

Yesterday, as I waited in line for Confession with a close friend of mine a woman came into the room.  She was laboring to breathe.  As my friend and I were in the only two chairs, I stood up to let her sit in my chair.  I stayed pretty far away from her.  I didn't want to get physically close to her, but I didn't know why.  I was just more comfortable the farther away I was.  My friend also got up, as another older woman entered.  When the second woman left the room, the first woman patted the empty chair and looked at me.  She then motioned for me to come sit next to her.  I thought, "okay God, I'll do it even though I don't want to, I will do it".  I sat down.  I immediately had a hard time breathing and became extremely tired.  I thought it was all in my head.  She told me that she had open heart surgery 6 months earlier.  We chatted for a while.  I touched her shoulder to comfort her.  I don't like touching or being touched by strangers so this was a big deal for me.  It zapped my energy, though again I thought it was all in my head.  I didn't really notice the zapping immediately.  Like I said, this is a damage control thing for me.  I tend to not notice the moment I take it on, more that I notice the after affects.

I let her go first.  After this woman entered the Confessional my friend said, "Let it go Annie".  I said, "Huh?"  "Let it go.  Whatever you took on from her let it go."  I had NEVER told anyone about this.  Actually, this blog entry is my first disclosure of this to anyone, including my husband.  It seemed too "goofy" it sounds crazy, and I tend to think it's all in my head.  So I stare blankly open-mouthed at my friend and she says, "As soon as you sat next to that woman your eyes got VERY dark circles under them and you looked ill.  It was very scary to watch.  It was like my friend got sick right in front of my eyes.  Whatever you took from her, Let it go."  At this point I realized what just happened was a gift.  Not only did I now know it isn't all in my head, for the first time in my life someone saw the moment I empathed.  I will now know how to tell that initial moment in the future, and how to purpose it.  From a Christian perspective I can use this knowledge for prayer.  I know EXACTLY what to pray for, even with strangers, without that person ever speaking a word.  Also, I suspect praying for them is the fast way to "let it go".

Until today, this was a heavy burden.  It made it hard to be around others.  When Army Wives would come to my house resentful and angry during TDY's it made me resentful and angry, even though I hadn't been before they got there.  I would then spew venomous accusations at my husband during his next call and not know why, and not feel they had merit.  Poor guy would be caught off guard, and we'd both end up feeling awful.  It meant that when I was (am) in a crowd I go home and feel like I need an emotional shower.  My mode of functioning became avoidance in attempt to control this.  I think, I hope, that now I can endure these things and LET THEM GO instead of them lingering for hours, perhaps days, like pollen on my patio.  This is a burdensome gift that has nothing to do with me.  It doesn't make me special.  It doesn't mean I'm some amazing saintly human.  It also doesn't mean I'm worthless, or cursed.  I'm neither.  It simply means I need to pray when this happens to me.  I need to "Let it go and let God".  I am sharing this so that others with this same burdensome gift, and I know there are lots of you, will learn how to recognize it and use it positively.  Also, I hope they learn this gift affects them but means nothing about their worth.  Good luck to you.

knowing by not understanding

I am feeling super funky today.  I have a compulsion to get this out.  Our society has elevated the individual intellect to deity.  We worship our own understanding.  There is a pervading belief that each of us DESERVES full understanding of all things in our world, and also all the workings of God and Christ.  If we don't understand something that has happened to us or to others, if we don't agree with it, we feel we have a right to either NOT BELIEVE it, or be mad at God for it.  This makes me so sad.  This can be said for natural disasters, scripture, religions, religious beliefs, science, pretty much anything.  WE DON'T DESERVE ANYTHING, let alone a full understanding of how God works throughout the universe.

We don't deserve to a nice house.  We don't deserve a perfect marriage.  We don't deserve to understand the mysteries of the universe, and we don't.  Not a single one of us DESERVES, or is ENTITLED to anything except a relationship with Christ.  Most people, during this time in history, are rejecting that single thing we are all entitled to because they aren't getting their way in some aspect of their natural life.  Life is hard.  God doesn't promise to protect us from harm or pain or suffering.  God simply says that through Jesus we will be able to find JOY IN OUR SUFFERING.  Heck look at Job.  That poor fella lost EVERYTHING and remained faithful.  He is our model for human suffering.  He didn't know why he was suffering he had faith that in the end God has his back. We mistake our own understanding of our physical world, and our understanding of Christ as "the truth".  When in fact that is a lie, and we will fail in faith EVERY time if we rely on our own understanding.  There is one truth, and we can't know the truth with our intellect at all.

Intellect and the individual.  WE CANNOT KNOW GOD WITH OUR INTELLECT.  We cannot find him by dissecting the scriptures.  We will not know Christ, no matter how many times we read the bible,  if we rely on our own understandings (this would lead to a gazilion truths because we all have different physical experiences... sound familiar).  We can ONLY know him in our soul through faith. St. John of the cross talks about how we cannot understand God or Christ or the Church (of course he is speaking of the Catholic Church, but bodes for all religions) with our intellect and earthly knowledge, because Christ and the Church are of the divine, the supernatural.  Those who try to use their own intellect to understand these things will only become frustrated at best, and faithless at worst, "The intellect knows only in the natural way, that is, by means of the senses.  If one is to know in this natural way, the phantasms and species of objects will have to be PRESENT either in themselves or in their likenessess; otherwise one will be incapable of KNOWING NATURALLY."  So to try to know Christ through our intellect will be fruitless.  He even mentions that it can cause depression because the soul is longing for union with Christ and is unable to attain it.  

FAITH, not in our knowing, but in Christ's knowing and our own NOT knowing.  Faith means accepting the truth without understanding it.  It requires humility to do that.  In a culture that has taught us that we deserve to understand before we accept, this process is painful and can be VERY frustrating.  Reading Sirach 3:20-24 followed directly by Matthew 7:21-23, and then Colossians 3: 5-21 is a good starting point, for understand how being a "true disciple" means dying to our own understanding.  Ascent of Mount Carmel and Dark Night of the Soul by St. John of the Cross are VERY illuminating as to these facts.  We can only "know" and "understand" Christ when we cease to rely on our senses and intellect.  We must die to the world, and all it has taught us and then humbly in FULL faith present ourselves to the scripture before we can understand it.  We must enter the dark night of the soul before we can be fully in the light.  Once we enter into the light we will find true JOY, regardless of what is happening in the physical world.  God, Christ are all JOY, and so we know a true disciple by their JOY.  

So many people now are unhappy, and joyless.  Christian and non-Christian alike.  Again, life is hard and this is understandable.  However, once we understand Christ in our soul we will have ETERNAL joy.  Our society has ingrained in us that we can only understand with our intellect.  We cannot understand Christ with our intellect, since we cannot sense him through our bodies, but only through our souls.  If you find that you are joyless for a long period of time, I suggest surrendering to what you do not understand, and accept that the truth of Christ is NOT meant to be understood by your big human brain, but to be felt in your soul's heart.  He's in there.  He's talking to you, but only in the silence can you hear him.  He wants to give you the gift of Joy.

**DISCLAIMER:  Supernatural joy is different from earthly joy.  Job wasn't dancing a jig necessarily, but he had peace of mind which lends itself to gratitude, acceptance, and joy.  The meaning of this word in this context is... supernatural, and I cannot explain to you what it "feels" like to the senses.  It is simply that when I am sad, I am at peace and this brings me joy.  

Mother Arguments... with myself.

Because I like to torture myself I am taking my little introverted self (who is also quite grumpy this morning) to the school so I can meet with other moms and build the set for Will's upcoming play.  Wish me luck.  I am terrified.  I will put on my best "funny girl" face, and probably do a wonderful job of fooling everyone into thinking I'm "oh so funny and outgoing".  Then I will spend the remainder of the day recovering, via nap, TV veg-out sessions, and oh, perhaps a run.  Why do I do this to myself?  I do it for my kids... (LOL please).

Oh yes, I wouldn't want them to be the kids of, "that woman, the one that won't talk to anyone" or "you know that grumpy lady with the chest tattoo".  I would much rather they were the kids of, "that really funny chick".  Since I'm capable of being quite charming and funny, that's the "me" I wear to these things... most of the time.  Today I have to wear her since at Will's Valentine's poetry reading I was in charge of taking the class pictures, and I awkwardly stood with the sun to my back as the other parents ALL stood facing the sun.  So there we were in a photography stand off, me vs. them.  HOW awkward!  I totally made up for it BY NOT TALKING TO ANYONE and leaving early.  No, today I HAVE to ooze charm; even if it costs me the rest of my day... and then I hear logic and it sounds a lot like my husbands voice,  "Annie, people don't care about you.  They care about them.  So long as you don't offend anyone they'll forget all about you."  Hmmmm... I THINK I'd like that actually.

What I'd like to be

So let me get this right, if I can keep my darn foot out of my mouth, which is pretty hard for me, I don't have to be charming?  "NO YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE CHARMING, you just have to NOT piss people off".  Really?  "yes, You weren't exactly charming to me when we first met and I fell in love with you"  By the way, this conversation never happened.  It's happening in my head, pulled from bits and pieces of 13 years worth of real conversations.  He's right.  The first thing I ever said to him boils down to, "you're ugly". Which was a lie.  He had just gotten on my nerves with a cheesy come-on line.  He is so weird.  Bad example honey, you aren't normal.  Most people would've hated me forever for that.

Self-Portrait... really.  I drew this of myself.

Okay, so now I feel sufficiently pepped up.  Thanks to a conversation, with the husband, in my head.  I will go to this thing and not be silent, and not be offensive.  OH DAMNIT I'M DOOMED!  I'm going to have to default to the oozing charm... *sigh*.  But what will that teach my kids?  To be popular is more important than being true to who you are?  They won't be there, that's right.  Do I opt or silence or steal the show?  AAAAHHHHHHH.... I've become too adept at masking my introversion.  It benefits me how?  *sigh*

"Mom, can you come get me?  I'm frozen"  and that's my cue to stop blogging.  There's a 5ft tween that needs to be rescued from his bed, and I still have to put on my cape (which looks a lot like an apron, but backwards and around my neck instead of my waist) before I head up there.

I just wanted my readers to see that all this being a Mom stuff can drive me insane... before my kids even get up in the morning.  I hope you got a good laugh out of my inner debate...