Coop: You know Mom, I was thinking about that today! I mean, there is nothing wrong with me. I am perfect (he means physically). That has to be a miracle, right?
Me: Yeah, I'd say. With my faulty genetics, you won the lottery! It's more than that though. you know.
Coop: What do you mean? I just meant that I was easy on you because I'm never sick, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with me ever.
Me: That's true. I think you've had a handful of colds as an infant, and maybe the flu, what like 3 times?
Coop: yeah, 3 times.
Me: You were more than just abnormally healthy though Cooper. That was of course a HUGE blessing.
Coop: Yeah, I mean you could just take me out with a coat in the winter when I was baby and be like, 'here you go!' and I wouldn't get sick or anything!
Cheeky little cuss.
Me: yeah, I'm sure we did that to you... Oops. But I mean that we didn't have to baby proof our house for you, we didn't have to worry about anything with you. There were no unseen hazards for your dad and I because you seemed to know what they were and to avoid them on your own.
Coop: Well, Will definitely didn't do that for you.
He's totally right here, but we'll just ignore that statement.
Me: Well, it was like you were a grown up from the moment you were born. Almost like God knew I needed to be eased into this "parenting thing".
He loses interest now and starts talking to me about Pokemon.
This conversation is much deeper to the two of us than it seems. Because he knows what I'm about to say.
I thought about aborting him. There I said it out loud. Go ahead and judge me. I didn't want to be mother yet. Sure I was engaged to the man of my dreams, and I knew he'd want to keep the baby. I knew he'd do everything necessary to provide for us both. I had done everything I had been told to do to prevent this, it wasn't fair. That's why between hearing, "No Miss Cooper, you're not anemic... You're pregnant" and going back to my future husband's apartment I stopped at a park to think it over. There would be no choosing what I wanted once I told Casey, because it would kill him if I aborted our baby. No, if I didn't want to keep the baby he could never know. I wanted to have a choice in the matter, even if contemplating the "unspeakable" went against everything that was Catholic. The girl who marched in Pro-Life rallies wanted a choice.
I sat in my beater of a car at the park and bawled and bawled and bawled to the barren trees, to my steering wheel, to a God I wanted to be mad at. I couldn't be mad at God though, I DID THIS TO ME. I thought of all things that would be ruined. I was captain of a Division I track team. How would I tell the team. I had a scholarship, what if I lost it. I had been running REALLY well, and was on track to break records, and win things, all that would be lost. I didn't once think about the life in my womb. It was simply an inventory of all the things I COULDN'T do if I kept this baby. I had just bought a fitted coat. I'd out grow it in a few months. My body wouldn't be mine anymore. I cried and screamed and slammed on the steering wheel until my throat felt stiff as steal, and I was sure my hand was broken. Then, limp with exhaustion I numbly sat and counted the dots in the steering wheel cover until I was so cold I had to restart my car.
 |
| By: National Catholic Register |
Then I thought of living a lie for the rest of my life with the one person that mattered the most to me, just so I could get my name in small print in Track Meet programs. No one looks at those names, no one cares. I took a deep breath. Looked down and said, "Fine. You Win." I'm not sure I was talking to the fetus, or to God at the time. In then end I was talking to both. When I got to the apartment and told Casey the news he wrapped his arms lifted me in the air and spun me around. His excitement incited a slowly building rage inside of me. A long angry pregnancy was followed by severe Postpartum depression. In fact, my husband was sole caretaker for our son for nearly the first 6 months of his life. While I gave him his middle name, I certainly didn't see him as a gift until he was about 9 months old. Even at that young age, when people would yell "Go Annie" he would cry. Perhaps worried for me? Perhaps he longed for me? He didn't cry when they yelled, "Go Angie" or "Go Casey" or "Go ______". Only my name. He loved me anyway.
It was definitely a blessing that he was eerily healthy, and eerily well behaved. He might not have survived other wise! We were two young twenty somethings that had athletic obligations to fill and degrees to finish. He DID go out in winter without a coat, and didn't get sick. This little boy had a quiet humor and uncanny ability to sense and appropriately react to the emotions of those around him. By the time he was 2 I was totally smitten and ever since have worked with fervor to be the mother he deserves, though strangely thoughts of a broken bond were something I never worried about. Probably because he has always been so tender and warm towards me, even though I didn't deserve it. So broken bonds just weren't on the radar, until I sat down to write this. Another blessing? He truly is the best thing that ever happened to me, even if I didn't see it at the time. Without him I would have been content in my selfishness, dilutedly thinking I was happy. He has, for me, exemplified grace, and gives me a higher purpose. He makes me want to be better than I am.
Because of Cooper I learned that just because we think we are happy doesn't mean we are. Conversely, just because we don't like the situations that befall us doesn't mean we can't be happy anyway. Happiness is inside of us, not outside of us. Happiness is everywhere, once we find it in ourselves we can find it anywhere if we look for it. Memories of those times when we are happy can help us through those time when we aren't. Happiness is in surrender and acceptance, two things I (a confessed control freak) will always struggle with. My struggle is less now than it was, not just because of the unexpectedness of the event Cooper being introduced into my life, but in who he is. Cooper's presence and person frequently remind me that my life is BEST when I don't try to control it, but instead turn it over to God. That when I try and fail to be the best person I can be I will be loved anyway. I marvel at him everyday. I love that kid. I can't imagine life without him. The world is better because he is in it. He truly is a "Gift from God", not just for me, but for you.
No comments:
Post a Comment
Trolling will not be tolerated, otherwise carry on.