The lie

When we believe in a false narrative then everything else we tell ourselves about the topic is contrived so as to convince ourselves that we haven't been lied to.

I used to think I was pretty smart.  Then I applied myself to seeking only the truth, and that's when it happened.  That's when I realized I bought into a lie.  I believed the my body my choice rhetoric.  That contraceptives empowered me to make decisions about my body, and future.  I couldn't wait to move out of my parents house, go to planned parenthood, get on the pill so I could "get some".

I was naive.  I thought I was empowering myself, exercising my feminist rights taking the reigns of my sexuality, but I hadn't stopped to think about sexuality itself.  I didn't stop to think that I might be selling myself short by buying into the belief that I must be sexual to be viable, that I must be sexualized to be loved.  I hadn't listened when my parents told me I should be loved for who I am.

Planned parenthood certainly wasn't going to tell me this.  Media, movies, pop culture definitely conveys feminine power and sexualization go hand in hand (basic instinct, Madonna, etc.).  I didn't stop to think that woman has power outside of her sexual prowess, that was counter-intuitive, and counter-cultural. I should have realized to be valued intellectually had nothing at to do with sexuality. My self perception was definitely wrapped up in other people's perception of my sexual viability. How sick is that!

Exhibit A: planned parenthood's facebook cover photo for the election last fall... Notice it simultaneously sexualized women, while implying that our main political concern is limited to Pro-life/Pro-choice issues, not the economy, not foreign policy, not education. I am more than my private parts believe it or not. This might be excusable if it was a one time "mistake", but sadly this is status quo marketing (sexualizing, and marginalizing women).

I took my birth control religiously, more religiously than I received communion during this time in my life. I had a lot to lose! After 4 years I saw signs that my body had adjusted to the dose, namely break through bleeding, so I called Planned Parenthood, scheduled an appointment. They told me it was impossible to adjust to the dosage (mind you I had grown 1.5 inches, and gained and lost 20 pounds while on it). That I could continue as usual with no issues. 5 months later I found out I was 3 months pregnant... Their solution... An abortion. They were not at all worried about my well being, or they would have listened to me 5 months earlier. They treated me with a predatory attitude. I believed the lie that P.P. was looking out for me. I believed the lie that sex on demand made me independent, intellectual, and valued. In reality, i was still fulfilling the wishes, and roles of a male dominated culture for fear of rejection. What is a freedom that simply repackages your oppression and hands it back to you? Had I really been this blind? The entire premise of birth control is that I must be sexual to be viable. This is not true. I can be valuable, intellectual, and quite variable WITHOUT being sexual. Since this is true, if I would have followed this logic when I was younger I wouldn't have had to rely on Planned Parenthood. Contraceptives wouldn't have been necessary. I could have been healthier, as most women are(check cancer rates and contraceptives) without them, i just didn't know better. There are many lies out there about women's health. Even if I had known, I am not sure if I would have had the courage live out the truth.

The moral of this story girls is this, your body, your choice. The narrative of love, and sexuality has been so twisted, and our definition of Choice contrived, that you must seek the truth. Choice isn't what is sold to you by Jersey Shore, or the Kardashians, or Planned Parenthood. Choice is choosing to love yourself, and to demand without fear, to be loved for who you are, not what services you have to offer. This is scary, I know. Guys are used to getting sex on demand, and will likely move on to someone more willing to give them what they want. Let them. You are worth More respect than that. You do have a choice. When it comes to your body, honor it, and seek UNADULTERATED truth before you make choices about it, or what you put in it, (pun intended). Demand that the men in your life respect it also. Research! Btw please visit this link, it holds the truth about human sexuality, and I wish I would have known about it long, long ago... http://www.theologyofthebody.net/. Take courage, and know the truth is out there waiting for you to discover it and rewrite your narrative.

Christmas Present

I met my daughter in a conference room in July 2012.  She wasn't born of my body, but of my heart.  I loved everything about her; her spirit, the pink streaks in her hair, her chuck tailors.  It was that day that our family opened our home and hearts to her not knowing what would come of it, not knowing if she'd truly give herself to us.

It wasn't easy for her, and it was hard on my husband too.  Our family isn't an easy one to adjust to especially if you are a 15 year old girl.  We eat funny food and spend a lot of time in the woods.  Her first week she tried so hard to be what she thought we wanted her to be.  My husband wouldn't have it.  He pushed her to be who she really was, to make demands that were true to where her heart was.  She thought he was crazy, but she finally caved in, "Look I've had dozens of placements and I'm getting too old to keep trying to change myself to fit into OTHER people's boxes.  You are right, I don't want to change anymore."

I think being allowed to speak those words out loud led to a deepening trust in us, and an epiphany within herself.  Over the next two weeks we spent as much time together as possible.  She was so sweet, and loving, and tried so hard to please us.  I wondered when she'd crack.  My husband left on a mission and it was just the four of us at home.  I finally started to ask her what she wanted.

"What do you really want?"
"I want to be with you guys."
"We want you to be with us too, but I know it will take a LOT of adjusting for you.  I know you can do it, and we of course will meet you half way, but I sense something more from you."

It was left at that for a few days.  I had my fingers crossed that I was wrong, but my intuition isn't wrong that often.  Then it happened, she had a blow up.  I thought, "finally, she's acting her age."  I had been worried that things had been too peaceful.  I was a teenage girl once.  I know that it is impossible to be pleasant forever!  We went on a hike.  On the way there she asked when we could go to the mall.  I had said that we would go, but she didn't believe me.  She was pretty upset, and worried that we WOULDN'T meet her half way, so she walked far ahead of the boys and I.  I let her.  I knew she was thinking, and honestly I felt she was dealing with her emotions in a really positive way.  I knew that my assuring her wasn't enough.  I knew she missed her friends.  I knew it was hard on her, and that all I could do was continue to reassure her and follow through with my actions, and that's what I did.  Things calmed down and we continued to build a really great rapport.

It was a few days later that she came to me, "Can I talk with you after dinner." 
"Sure.  Of course."

We ate our dinner.  I sent the boys out to play so I could give her my undivided attention.
"I really like you guys.  Like, I like you the most out of all the dozens of families I've been with.  I love the boys.  If I were 10 I would want to be adopted by you.  When I was ten I still was willing to adapt, and all I wanted was a family JUST LIKE THIS.  I'm not ten anymore.  I'm 15 and I'm tired of adapting.  I really just wanted a place where I could parent myself, I've been doing it now for a long time.  You guys want to parent me, and I'm just not willing.  I'm worried about the conflicts and what it would do to the boys.  If I am going to be parented I want to be by my biological mom."

"Wow.  Okay.  Well, you are right, we want to parent you, and with little brothers you'd be setting the precedent and we couldn't allow you to parent yourself, even if you ARE perfectly capable.  Where would you go if not here?  Are you saying you'd rather be in a group home?"

"No.  I'd rather be with my mom.  I've realized that I'm past being adopted.  I thought it was because no one wanted teens, and now I know it's that I just don't want that anymore.  No one has ever asked me what I wanted until I came here, and you guys demanded it.  I want to go back to my mom."

"I am not trying to kill your dreams, but is that even possible?  I just really don't want you to be disappointed."

"Yes, it is.  I worked really hard, and wrote our state senators to get a bill passed that would reinstate parental rights to parents who met specific criteria.  It was passed this summer."

"Seriously!!  That's awesome!  Why didn't anyone tell us about this?  Why didn't anyone look into that for you before looking for an adoptive family?  I mean obviously it was important to you before now."

"No one asked me what I wanted.  When I'd bring it up they'd tell me it was impossible, or talk bad about my mom.  They'd say she didn't want me, or that she couldn't handle me, but she has my sister and brothers. I guess I just believed that she didn't want me.  They told me it was bad for me to talk to her, so I unfriended her on facebook even."

At this point I feel like I need to talk to her mom, or at least listen to them talk to each other and let my intuition go to work.  "Alright, does she know you feel this way?  Your mom I mean."

"I ran away to her house in April.  She called the police on me and had me sent back because she said she could get into big trouble.  She said when I was 18 I could go back to her."

"Okay, I think you need to call her and let her know what you are thinking."

She called, and without my asking, kept the phone on speaker.  Her mom was on board.  Her mom was realistic and let her know that this could take a long time and even then might not be successful, "are you willing to risk it ALL for this?  You have a family that wants you.  I am working full time and getting my nursing degree.  You will have only what you need, and will have to help with your little brothers."
"Yes mom."
"Alright, I'll talk to my lawyer tomorrow."
It sounded to me like her mom had gotten her life together a long time ago, and WAS willing.  She sounded willing, and ready.  She struck me as a women with a lot of guilt, who had let her daughter go because she felt she had no other choice.  My intuition told me that this woman had been waiting for her daughter to give her the go ahead.  She seemed as though she had hoped and prepared for this battle for a long time.  I felt so optimistic.  This reunion definitely felt as though it needed to happen.

Then I made her call her social worker who FREAKED out!  We had a long conversation about how people were going to try to change her mind, and make her feel like she was crazy etc.  That nothing worth it is easy and that she'd have to be strong.  Then I drove her back to the group home.

I drove away terrified.  I had just found her and now I was leaving her to the "wolves".  Had I been manipulated?  Did I do the right thing?  What if her mother doesn't follow through?  "Oh dear God please let this be what you wanted.  Give us both strength to handle the next few months."  I fielded several phone calls from social workers and psychologists wanting to know, "What went wrong".  They all assumed that SHE had done something to "ruin it".  Her worker said, "The mother hasn't even contacted me."  Then my "daughter" called to tell me that her mother's lawyer had called the worker, and her mother WAS pursuing custody.  I finally exhaled.  The worker had said, "This isn't going to happen.  This HAS NEVER happened in state history.  I think she was just being her own worst enemy as usual.  This is all part of her pathology."  She had been wonderful.  She had been obedient, cooperative, helpful, and fun!  No one wanted to believe that we had a grown up discussion about what she wanted, and that I let her go after it.  I heard from her on and off over the next few months.  I even wrote a letter to the judge hearing her mother's request detailing our time together.

I got a text message from her yesterday, December 19th, 2012.  The judge awarded her mother FULL CUSTODY!  My daughter is with her mother who bore her.  She did it!  She did the impossible.  She did what everyone said couldn't be done!  She did what no one had ever done before!  She fought to get the law passed and then she was THE FIRST ONE to take advantage of it.  My best Christmas present this year is that she will be with her mother, and siblings this Christmas morning.  I am still in complete awe of her.  I am endlessly inspired by her.  Oh yeah, and she was in all AP classes and on the A Honor Roll throughout this fiasco.  Miracles do happen.

Christmas Past Part I

There is magic in the Christmases when I had the least to give.


She stands outside the school. Crisp air cuts up her coat sleeve. The daily crowd is here to pick up their little ones, and clucking noisily as usual.  No one clucks to her making today exactly like every other day since moving here.  They chose to rotate staring at her instead, "The people and the weather have a lot in common here.  Perhaps after awhile the cold saturates every part of your being?"  She awkwardly shuffles her weight so one knee can bend itself in a gesture of cosmetic confidence, and pretends not to notice. "What ARE they looking at?!" Secretly, she wishes she had mirror to see if a little snot has snuck down onto her numb upper lip. She runs her mitten under her nose just to be safe. FINALLY, the kids trickle out.  She sees a pair of smiling blue glasses with little blue hat. An unruly strand of blonde hair sneaks out the bottom. "I dot dis foh you, Mommy", a crumpled paper by way of a hug. Now, to collect the brown hatted observer for the walk home. She does so, and gladly walks away from the crowd.

"So are you guys excited to get a house?"
"Wioh we get to have Cwistmas pwesents?"
"You get a house, and if we can move in before Christmas you will get to have a tree too."
"So, mom, is Santa going to visit or not?"  Mr. Brown hat cuts to the chase.
"I'm sure he'll bring you something"
"I's wanted one of dose big noeff guns"
"I think Santa was planning on bringing small things for your new room"
"We get to have our own wooms?! Well Okay!!"
"So we won't have to be all in one room anymore?! Can I have a dragon room?"

So the three of them chatter themselves back to the motel room they've share with Him since moving here 3 months ago. The abused paneling smells of someone else's cigarette smoke, a reminder that this is not theirs (thankfully). She makes them a dinner of microwaved raman noodles and hot dogs, then homework, bath and bed, all four of them together.

Friday, December 23rd the 4 of them unlock their new home. A container in which to treasure their laughter. Each joyful exclaim is accented by a little puff of smoke. She hurriedly harasses the gas company and Stanley Steamer so that her babies would be warm and safe before bed. Otherwise, it would be a long cold weekend with painful reminders of the previous owners cats.

"Mommy, I wike ouhs new house."
As she tucks him into blankets on the floor of his new room, "I am so glad!"
"I get mine OWN woom by myself!  Is it okay though if I stioh come in and sweep wiff you sometimes?"  He adjusts his stuffed managery.
"You bet.  I know it is a big change for you to have your own room."
"Yeah.  I wike it, but I ahso wiked sweeping ah of us in the same woom.  But, it is nice that we have a kitchen now though."
"It sure is buddy.  I love you.  You need to go to sleep now."
"I wove you too.  I wioh twy."

Once all was quite she set up a small 2 ft tree, wrapped the paint brushes and a few small toys from the Dollar Store. She paused to absorb the enormity of this small tree that dared to occupy such a large empty room all by itself. Fitting. Then She curled up next to her family on the floor of her bedroom. This might end up being her favorite Christmas yet.

The Christmas she felt like an alchemist.

DEFINE choice

I sat on the edge of an examining table waiting for the results of blood work for a mystery illness.  My body was rebelling.  I hadn't been sick, yet I kept getting slower.  My mile repeats 3 months ago were all between 5:05 and 5:20.  Now, my mile in competition was barely a 5:10.  Why when my training had been consistent, and manageable, was I getting worse?!  The soft knock on the door stops the beating of my heart for a split second and forces a slight cough from my throat.  The doctor enters.  His face is white.  Whatever is wrong with me it must be terminal.  I can't look at him because when I do my skin prickles as the panic tries to find a way out.  "Miss Cooper...."   "you're pregnant".  I laugh.  He stares quizzically.
"What about the father?"  I point to my left ring finger.
"He'll be excited."  The Doctor exhales.  Finally.  The doctor finds relief, but I don't.  I am on a half-ride athletic scholarship and I can't afford to continue my education without it.  Not to mention that before this pregnancy my training had me on track to put out some really spectacular performances.  This pregnancy could mess up everything; my education, my athletic and professional careers.  Everything.

As some of my readers know I did contemplate aborting him.  Instead, I told my future husband, and his enthusiasm helped to carry me through my fears about parenthood.  I was terrified to tell my coach.  He had the power to pull my scholarship for this.  I was team captain, and our fastest distance runner.  Most Division 1 coaches would pull my scholarship.  This is where my story begins.  My story is one about true choice.

I forced my husband to come along for our "reveal".  He was afraid there would be a conflict.  My coach and I had had a few of those in the past.  Instead, there was a simple acceptance that this would require a "red shirt".  In college sports that means that you sit out a season, but you'll get that season back the next year.  My coach was very supportive of my situation.  He let me keep my scholarship.  He didn't force me to chose between motherhood and an education, or between motherhood and respect, or between motherhood and an ATHLETIC career.  He allowed me to have it all.  I'm not the only female athlete for whom he did this.

Right after track practice! I'm too tired to shower!

                                                     

Our team was populated with several girls who had chosen to keep their unwanted TEENAGE pregnancies. You heard me, TEENAGE.  I had several teammates who had their babies while still in high school, yet were able to be top athletes in their states, thanks to supportive parents and communities.  He offered them scholarships while most other Division 1 Coaches scoffed at them.  One of my teammates ran a 2:12 800m as a senior in high school less than a year after giving birth to her daughter.  While IU laughed at her and told her that her daughter would never be welcomed at any team events, our coach allowed the kids to come to our practices.  Daycare is not always available to young mothers that are full-time students.  THAT IS CHOICE isn't it?  Guess what, he was Catholic also.  He was living his values.  He never once proclaimed his place on the Pro-Choice/Pro-Life issue.  He lived it.  He was obviously pro-life.  He didn't need to go out and hold up posters, because he was taking real action.  Besides posters alienate and miscommunicate, but his actions were a clear embrace of what it meant to truly chose life.  He truly support women's rights.  When my teammate (the one I mentioned earlier) chose to leave the team for her daughter, it was truly HER choice because she was more than welcome to stay.

I think women deserve a choice, and right now they don't really have one.  Your job or baby isn't a choice, it's an ultimatum. Our society makes it nearly impossible to chose to keep life when that life is unplanned, believe me I know.  Our society treats unplanned pregnancy like a terminal illness, and abortion as its cure.  In order to truly provide choice we must support women enough that they aren't forced to chose between a pregnancy and job, a child and a career, a baby and an education, or motherhood and respect.  We must truly give them a choice by ceasing to treat unplanned pregnancy as a terminal illness.  I know that some people view each pregnancy as being very unique situation.  I disagree I think that fundamentally each choice that must be made is the same, it is usually an ultimatum and not a choice.  Do I chose the life of this child or do I chose the values of this society?  I think there needs to be a serious re-evaluation of our definition of "choice".  I am for true choice, which at this moment doesn't exist except in small pockets where people like my coach make a true choice possible.  I think that pro-lifers need to put down their posters and live their value.  It is the responsibility of Pro-Lifer's to take the ultimatum out of the equation so that women CAN chose life.  Let's start supporting women, and respecting motherhood FOR REAL.

Home-school laws for Virginia; textbooks and curriculum

So, I know I announced a while ago that I was officially home-schooling Cooper.  Well, I sorta did a 180* when an English Teaching job opened at his prospective school.  I thought I could "be there" for him in that way.  Then I found out about the discipline policy of the administrators, which is NOT appropriate for discussion in this forum.  If you are local and have questions feel free to email me.  Ask for my email in the comments section.  This new information explained A LOT of what I had experienced there as a substitute teacher, and I deemed it a hostile work environment, as well as a hostile learning environment and I withdrew my interest in the job and mailed in my "Intent to Home-school" form to the Superintendent.  So it's a done deal.

Virginia's Home-schooling laws are VERY restrictive.  Each state has their own laws, and most states offer a "religious" opt-out loop-hole.  Virginia requires that parents that intend to home-school their children provide the district Superintendent with their "qualifications", and curriculum.  Then the Superintendent looks over the information and makes the final decision.  There is no Unschooling here.  If you only have a GED, forget it, unless you have one heck of a curriculum, or have proof of enrolling your child in an online school.  At the end of each year a portfolio or test results must be submitted to prove the child has achieved objectives that are grade/age appropriate (those are two entirely different things, but go with it).  Luckily for us, we have www.soarathome.com because we are military.  If you don't have that, you can request that your child be tested with the public school kids on the state test (I am not sure of the cost of this, but I think it's free), or you can look into the CAT.  I think they run between 30-50 dollars.

Online schools you can access would be the Kahn Academy, which is free, or K12.com which may cost (depends on where you live), and I'm not sure how much it costs.  I know these two are VERY reputable.  I know there are others, but I'm not comfortable recommending them because I have little knowledge of them.  Feel free to add to this list in the comments section if you can vouch for your online school.  I know that both of these schools provide licensed teachers and are well respected.  On to curriculum.

I suggest using a curriculum if you are comfortable TEACHING your child.  I am in love with the texts I have chosen.  They will allow my son to self-guide his learning, which is important since he is almost 12 and not to into me hovering over him (insert angsty, 'maahh-oooohm' here).  I chose the grammar series by Michael Clay Thompson..  With my background as both an English teacher, and Special Education Teacher specializing in Dyslexia I must say that this process is the ONLY way to teach language to all kids.  He really breaks down language, and exposes the purpose of learning each segment and the relationship between the "ladder of Language" as I call it, or the micro to macro fro phoneme to essay!  The kids learn that words have functions (parts of speech), and the function determines a words place in sentence, and sentence punctuation relays a message and so on.  It teaches them the functionality of language instead of having them memorize the definition of a clause, comma, etc.  This is especially important for dyslexic kids.  The purpose of comma's, the function of suffixes, and their relationship to parts of speech, things that are often over-looked when grammar is taught in most classrooms.

I am getting my literature text from Kendall-Hunt.  I'm not using them for anything else, because Cooper has done their math curriculum before and not liked it.  I love their literature text because it provides kids with RELEVANT, age appropriate literature and analytic rhetoric.  It is by all means a Classical approach to literature.    I want him to think critically about what he reads.  This year I want him to learn to see the relationship between the author's life experience and the material they wrote about, as that will help him endure the boring biographical informational power point that will precede all literature he will read in public school.  I want him to be able to understand why the authors biography matters, before I send him back to public school.  Other wise he will be a very bored student.  There is often a disconnect, for students, when it comes to the purpose of the information they are receiving from their teacher.  They often think they are learning information so they can answer questions on a multiple choice test.  The Kendall-Hunt Language Arts texts, because they follow a Classical model, ensure the purpose of imparted information is clear.

I am using Challenge Math for Cooper.  It takes the student through each grade level math objective in baby steps.  This will allow Cooper, for whom math is quite the challenge, to self-guide his math instruction.  I also like Math-U-See.  Again, Cooper doesn't like this curriculum.

Science and Social studies are not as closely monitored by Superintendents, at least not for students in the Lower grades.  I will be providing him with lists of possible "units" for each subject and letting him research and teach me about the topics he's decided to learn about.  Each unit will be "tested" with his choice of project and demonstration, research paper (simple notation), or writing and grading a test he gives to me.  He will also be participating the Ft. Eustis Home-Schooler's Association T/Th PE class/get together.  No 12 year-old boy wants to hang with his mom 24/7/365!

I hope this information helps those of you who are thinking about home-schooling  in your journey to a decision.  If you are a home-schooler with valuable information to share, feel free to do so in the Comment section below!  Thanks!

God's Currency Part 2

I had a dream a few months ago.  I was in a hard wood forest.  For as far as I could see there were fat, sturdy trunks that shot straight to the sky, except where I stood.  I stood in a small open meadow.  The sun beamed into it, while the rest of the forest was darkly shadowed.  In this meadow stood, well I can hardly say "stood" it was so degenerate looking, a twisted, gnarly, crooked tree.  It was almost as if the other trees created this meadow in an attempt to steer clear of this crippled tree, all of the trees except one small sapling.  This sapling was bent as if looking up at the branches of the degenerate tree with admiration.  Then I began to communicate with the trees (yes, I have very interesting dreams).


"Why do you want to be like that tree?  Don't you want to be like those trees, straight and tall?"
"No."
"Why not?  If you grow like that you be thought of as ugly and crippled compared to the other trees."
"But the light favors it.  I want the light to favor me too."
Then I heard a voice say, "Those who suffer the greatest pain receive the most light."

At this point I was woke immediately and continued to "hear" internally, "I see this great pain in the world today.  A pain that comes from a wanting to be beautiful.  God doesn't make mistakes.  Everything he makes is beautiful."  There was much more, but I am not comfortable sharing it as of yet.  Since I was wide awake, I wrote it all down. Needless to say, I wasn't sure what exactly had happened or why.  Then a yesterday a friend shared that she had a "tree dream", not knowing of my dream.  In her dream.  She saw a tree. It's sturdy trunk was large and strong and its full branches stretched out overhead, lush and green. She was then told that it was rooted in Truth.
"Truth comes from the ground?" She wondered. 
"It was planted there by God," came the reply.

I thought this was VERY peculiar.  I didn't immediately draw any conclusion, but then after stumbling upon Isaiah 53 this morning it all made so much sense.  "He grew up like a sapling before him, like a shoot from the parched earth; There was in him no stately bearing to make us look at him, nor appearance that would attract us to him.He was spurned and avoided by men, a man of suffering, accustomed to infirmity, one of those from whom men hide their faces, spurned, and we held him in no esteem."  and on and on, the entire chapter is applicable.

I came to understand, that in my dream the gnarly tree is Christ as the world sees him.  Since Jesus said, "I have given you a model to follow, so that as I have done for you, you should also do.  Amen, amen I say to you no slave is greater than his master nor any messenger greater than the one who sent him.  If you understand this, blessed are you if you do it."  This means that if we live for him the world will also see this way.  We must die to the world.  We must cease to care about the worlds opinion of us and how we live our lives, because the world will see us as twisted and crippled.  

My friends dream then the soil is the "truth" of the word, and tree is Christ, as God sees him.  It is how we look to God when we plant our roots in the truth of Christ.  What the eyes of the world see is a lie because the heart of the world is deceived into believing that money and material goods are the currency that determines our true value.  This is not true.  Our true value is determined by our honest intentions to live as God calls us to live.  

Peace, God's Currency Part 1

A doe swollen with the life inside of her, neck arching gracefully for grazing barely notices as I run past.  For a moment our eyes meet, and she returns to her feast.  Leaves pass over head in various shades of green so vibrant I feel as if their chlorophyll and my blood pulse to the same rhythm.  If you cut me I'm pretty sure I'd bleed green.  In this state of oneness with the natural world I become acutely aware that I am but another creation of God, beating in chorus with all his creation.  I live for this time when I surrender my existence to existing and cease worrying about material existence, and listen.  Today's conversation revolved around currency.

Only when I'm at one with creation do I cease to worry about human currency and all it provides for me.  This peace that I come by when I surrender to existing as part of a much broader world, not my world but his world, this peace is God's currency.  When I see with clarity that I am but a thread woven into the fabric of all creatures for all time, and feel purposeful peace, God has paid me for my obedience in his currency.  When he tells us, for instance in the Parables of Talents, that "to the one who has, more will be given and he will grow rich, bur from one who has not, even what he has will be taken away."  God is talking about peace, NOT money.  When we use our talents for God we receive peace.  Sure Jesus could mean money or talent, and we could receive more of those things if we are using them in accordance with God's Will, but peace is GOD'S CURRENCY.  Money and worldly success are ours, Fear is satan's.  This was the conversation on my run today.

In all honesty, I have plenty of experience with this.  I have often allowed fear to creep in.  "Why hasn't he called me today?  I bet he's hurt.  If he hasn't called and he isn't hurt, what could he possibly be doing?  He'd better not be compromising our values." or, "how am I going to pay that bill?!" or "What if they all make fun of me?"  Once you head down this path you only create more fear for yourself, unless you call on your faith and hand it over to God.  The reward, then, is peace.  We are made to live in peace.  We must first turn away from all fear; fear of not having enough, of not being good enough, of not being approved of by others.  Then we will stop seeing things as the world sees them, stop seeing ourselves as the world sees us, and begin to see with God's eyes the beauty of ourselves, of others, of nature and find peace as we're meant to.  We will stop craving material stuff, and start craving Jesus, and all things divine, because we ARE divine beings.  We are children of God.  Each of us is beautiful.  Each of us has a purpose.  Each of us has a choice, daily.