My Promise

An American Journalist once asked Mohandas Ghandi a question . The American jouranlist asked Ghandi, "What is your opinion of American civilization?" Ghandi smiled and replied to the American journalist, "I think it would be an excellent idea". Ghandi understood the term "Civilization" in all it's true depth, in a way most American's don't.  Root word Civil: of or pertaining to the people or their benefit.  The one word repeated in the following definitons of civilization is "INTELLECTUAL".civ·i·li·za·tion  (sv-l-zshn) n. 1. An advanced state of intellectual, cultural, and material development in human society, marked by progress in the arts and sciences, the extensive use of record-keeping, including writing, and the appearance of complex political and social institutions. 2. The type of culture and society developed by a particular nation or region or in a particular epoch: Mayan civilization; the civilization of ancient Rome. 3. The act or process of civilizing or reaching a civilized state. 4. Cultural or intellectual refinement; good taste.

I am not content to live between paychecks.  I have mentioned this before, I have no pre-occupation with money or "stuff".  It just isn't on my radar.  SERIOUSLY.  People, living in my head, living between ideas, or worlds, between the me that I am and the me that I'd like to become that is what appeals to me.  Until we joined the Army, I surrounded myself with people that were similar in mind, in that they lived deliberately.  They knew why they did what they did, and they worked to better themselves in their cause.  They are still my friends, though over great distance.  I had a difficult time in school, not living in a world that was "guess jeans" or what ever fad was cool.  To me, even at 11 or 12, that just seemed silly.  The fad would change, but how would I?  This notion I had spared no clique.  The goths and Emos, were just as generic and unoriginal as the jocks and preps.  They were all the same.  All defined by materials.  Not working to find out who they were, but purchasing an identity manufactured by American Eagle, or Hot topic.Seemed like a meaningless pursuit when considering that "materially" we are but a speck in the universe.  By high school I saw most of my classmates as Lemmings chasing fads over the edges of cliffs.  I tried to fit into a prefab box, with no success.  I'm just me I guess, and that just validated what I had already felt, that most people see the "world" as being there to serve them.  I internalized this in a very hostile way, and projected this opinion with hostility as well.  In reality it was just hard for me to know that they were missing out on the inner journey.  They weren't awake, weren't living.  They were existing.  I have journals full of my concern for them.  It was just easier to react with anger than concern.  When I left my home town, I made sure to only "invest" in people that were awakened to LIVING.  In this way I could ignore the wider world, and pretend there was no problem, and protect myself.  When in actuality I just removed myself from the one place where, if I were willing to listen, I might, in return be heard. I might, through love an compassion, effect change.

I see this when most people see...

In the Army I was thrown into the Masses.  No longer able to protect myself from this old feeling of concern.  My ears were no longer deaf. This old "lemming" thing came back to haunt me.  I had been avoiding it, ignoring it.  Animals live between meals.  When they aren't eating, they are hunting for food.  They don't think about how they can grow to become a better hunter, or mother, or father, or friend.  They certainly don't think about the affect of their Consumption, as it is a necessity for them to consume.  How is a human living between purchases any different than an animal?  This is what I wonder.  I consider status to be an illusion we purchase when we buy a car, or a plasma screen tv, or an Ipad, or an Iphone, or whatever is the latest buzz in Advertising.  It's like buying certificate of validation written in invisible ink.  Because next year it will be outdated and we'll have to buy something newer and shinier to get a new certificate.  I of course have a car, I didn't buy it make a statement, I bought it to get me from point a to point b.  I don't care that it has scratched paint, miss matched rims, and looks like a tiny toaster.  I have a small 19 inch TV that I bought in 2004.  I don't have an Ipad, or an Iphone, as those are totally unnecessary.  I buy what I NEED.  I honestly have no idea what the latest technology is.  I am clueless about the latest fashion trends.  Things, to me, are utilitarian.  Yes, my husband and I STILL get teased because of our view of material possessions.  Something I am coming to accept is that not everyone sees the world through my lens, and that I need to grow so I can accept those who lavishly consume and withhold judgement, because I don't understand that world.  I have been hostile towards those that live within this materially preoccupied world so I can validate my own, opposing vision.  Just because I don't understand their lifestyle, or outlook doesn't mean they aren't worthy of my tolerance.  So hard for me, because I am radically opposed consumerism to the point that newly constructed track home neighborhoods make me physically ill.  I have to accept, and listen.

This... "McMansions"

I hope now to give my beautiful flowers, of laughter, encouragement, acceptance, and love to EVERYONE not simply those that share my vision of the world.  I hope also, that in giving my flowers, I will plant seeds that this life is more than existing in an animal like state, more than who did what to who, more than what you have.  It's more than being a robot consumer that is slave to advertising.  This is YOUR life.  This life is what you DO, what you learn, and who you shower love upon.  It's about being people centered, not things centered.  It's about thinking about what you do, and how it effects other people, and the planet.  It is about whether or not you evolve so that you too have beautiful flowers of laughter, encouragement, love, and acceptance to give to others.  It starts with me.  My example of tolerance, love, and acceptance is the voice of my concern.  My hostility would only continue to foster an "us" and "them" attitude.  This isn't high school anymore.  I must be growth I want to see, because a civilization built up on things, and not upon the intellect of it's people is hardly a civilization.  MY PROMISE to those I once called "lemmings", I will listen; my love WILL be enough.  I will make it so...

civ·i·lized  (sv-lzd)

adj.

1. Having a highly developed society and culture.

2. Showing evidence of moral and intellectual advancement; humane, ethical, and reasonable

How does your garden grow?

I promised a post on friendship, using Aristotle's philosophy as my guide.  Friendship for me has been a process of learning my own boundaries.  I am a house, with many rooms, and a large yard.  The house is reserved for those that i allow into the deepest parts of my heart.  To them I am transparent, they can come and go because I trust them to honor me.  My yard started out unfenced, allowing anyone in.  Unfortunately my garden got trampled by visitors that didn't know how to respect me, and the flowers in my heart were broken and withered so that I didn't have anything beautiful to give to those that DID respect me.  I had nothing to bring inside.  (This blog totally explains the internal struggle I face, In learning about my personality preferences I began to learn why I did the things I did.) So I began to wonder, what IS friendship?  How can I be kind to others if I don't let them in?  How can I give something beautiful to someone that needs it, and yet keep them out of my garden?  In my quest I found many things but the most helpful was this, Aristotle's view on friendship.  He basically states that there are 3 types of friendships, friendships of: Pleasure, Utility, and Virtue.

Friendships of Pleasure: Friends with whom you partake in vices, and/or fun activities.  These friendships are shallow, though may seem deeper than they are because you have "fun times" together.

Friendships of Utility: Friends you use to benefit, and also they benefit from you.  These friendships are based on need, and are obviously shallow.  Once one of you ceases benefiting from the other the friendship is over.

Friendships of Virtue: These are deep lasting friendships.  These are friends whom share your moral compass, your vision of the world, and your values.  These are friends that support you and what you stand for.

Just looking at friendship in these categories opened my eyes.  I realized that I wanted to keep friends, other than friends of virtue to a minimum while I constructed my personal definition of "Virtue".  Friends of Virtue would respect my garden.  So I decided to put a fence around my garden... not a privacy fence, a picket fence.  I would share my flowers with friends of Utility and friends of Pleasure, I would reach over the fence to them... but only those that respected the garden would be invited in.  I had to look back at how these categories shifted from college onward to understand how and where to build this fence, how to use the fence etc.

symbols don't represent a literal number of friends, but rather the idea of the percentage of time I spent with each category of friends.

18-22 (At ISU)
Pleasure friends (for going to parties mostly)**********************************************
Friends of Utility (study/running partners)     ***********************************
Friends of Virtue                                         *********

22-28 (Had 2 kids started working)
Friends of Pleasure (partys/BBQs/running Partners) ##########################
Friends of Utility (babysitting/running partners)        ##################
Friends of Virtue (other parents)                              ######

28-32 (transition from Civilian to Army)
Friends of Pleasure (Army peeps/BBQs/Running Partners)#########################
Friends of Utility (babysitting/Running Partners)                 ######################
Friends of Virtue (like minded parents)                               #######

33-34 (after my search)
Friends of Pleasure (Running partners/BBQs)                           ***********
Friends of Utility (babysitting/house/car help)                            ***
Friends of Virtue (as defined, even if it's only family)                 ******************************

You see, it now seems like a waste of energy and resources to socialize with those that aren't friends of virtue.  I could put those resources to better use helping others, and working to LIVE my values.  I believe that as I find more friends of Virtue, I will find that my friends of Utility and Pleasure will also be my friends of Virtue, and my "lines" will be close to even.  At that time I will have a garden full of flowers to pass out to those that are in great need of something beautiful.  Until then I've put up a wall that has, "UNDER-CONSTRUCTION OPENING SOON" spray painted on it while I replenish and reconstruct my garden.

Coming out of the Closet

While I have been a Christian my entire life, not because my parents made me, but because I have a gift.  A gift of child-like faith.  I haven't always admitted it.  I wasn't gifted with the courage I needed to live that faith.  I went along just fine living what I believed until I hit serious opposition, until it got hard, college.  Then I retreated into myself.  I pulled my beliefs safely into a closet out of sight of people that would assume that because I believed in Jesus I was diluted, a non-intellectual, a prude, a judgmental bible thumping fundamentalist.  I was none of those things. I AM none of those things.  Neither are most of the Christian's I know.  Just read John Acuff's blog today.

There is one problem with putting what you believe in a closet.  Your life becomes a lie.  You begin to live according to someone else's rules so that you can divert attention away from what you've hidden in the closet.  This happens very slowly, with small compromises so that you hardly notice the affects.  Eventually, instead of your life being a testament to what you stand for, your life becomes a testament to what other people stand for.  This was quite ironic in my case, as I have always stood for following your heart, stepping to the beat of your own drummer.

My husband and I, during this time still left ourselves open to do God's will.  We were willing to move cross country, to let God lead us in family decisions.  We trusted him with the unexpected news of Cooper's pregnancy and the hardships of my pregnancy with Will.  We went to church most Sundays at first, but eventually stopped.  However, most of our friends wouldn't have known this based on the way we lived our lives daily.    We were living as Peter after the crucifixion.  It is impossible to, as they say "live in the spirit" when you won't profess your faith.  I actually have to use scripture to explain this further.  "Light" is God/Christ, and we are led to the light by following the inspirations of the Holy spirit. "For everyone who does wicked things hates the light and does not come toward the light, so that his works might not be exposed but whoever LIVES the truth comes to the light, so that his works may be clearly seen as done in God." (John 3:20)  I think wicked is a bit much, but I got the point.

After we moved to Virginia I bought myself a bible, after having several disturbing dreams (that is another post or even page entirely).  It was my first bible since High School.  Having been an English Major in college, and having taught Literature for 4 years, I had a new lens on this "literary" work.  I am not one that reads in a linear fashion.  I tend to read a bit on a page and flip through until I find something else interesting, this made my college years interesting.  I was doing this in my new bible when I stumbled upon John 3:20 and realized that there was no duality in life.  That I had to LIVE what I believed.  I realized that "live" and "love" when used in the Bible are VERBS, as they should be in life.  Parables and metaphors I once glazed over came to life and hit me right in the face.  "whoever loves his life will lose it, and whoever hates his life in this world will preserve it for eternal life." "Life" in this passage was what Joseph Campbell calls the "right hand path" or the the life society tells you to live.  The life society values, which is in direct conflict with the path valued by most spiritual teaching.  This made sense to me finally!  As did "if the world hates you, realize that it hated me first" (John 15:18) and "In the world you will have trouble, but take COURAGE.  I have conquered the world" (John 16:33).

Being as intellectual as I am the depth of the words I was reading and their applicability to life, to my life was like a long drink for a seriously dehydrated mind.  I could almost feel my sad, emaciated brain plump up.  It was then that I realized the impossibility of being true to myself while refusing to live my faith ACTIVELY.  Just as it is impossible to stay married if you lock your love for your spouse away in your heart, and never SHOW it in action to your spouse.  They won't know you FEEL love for them if you don't act loving toward them.  You must live your feelings/beliefs ACTIVELY.  I would gain courage, and knowledge to face the criticism if I faced it.

In all reality the Bible dovetails perfectly with all the things I know of Eastern Religions, The writings of the Dali Lama, Carl Jung, Aristotle, Plato, and Joseph Campbell's lectures (ie: There is ONE world Mythology).  We are all living within the context of that mythology, within the context of the bible.  They all point in the same direction, even if they use different vernaculars, and lexicons they are all rationalizing the same thing.  As offensive as it may seem, the truth I found is that Christianity calls a spade a spade.  We are all either living in and working toward the light; denying ourselves those "earthly pleasures", those "pleasures of the flesh" that are immediately gratifying and ultimately self-destructive.  In the light we work toward our best self, toward thinking and living positively, and bettering our world.  Or we are living in the darkness gratifying ourselves, living only to satisfy our temporary earthly desires and ultimately hurting ourselves and the world around us with our selfishness, bitterness, and negativity.  As humans, and this is scientifically backed, we default to self-gratification and negativity if we are left to our own devices.  We need something greater than ourselves to pull ourselves out of the "darkness".  If we aren't living in the light we are living in the darkness.  This isn't to say that some people live in the light and refuse to acknowledge it is the light of God.  They call it something else,something more PC.  I got tired of talking around the truth.  This why it was impossible for me to be a "closet Christian".

I realized couldn't live in the light at home, and in the darkness out in the world.  The habits and values of the world are in such contrast with the values that drive me from within, my "Bliss" as Campbell would call it, the "Holy Spirit" as we Christian's call it.  This is why my coming out of the "closet" may seem abrupt to some, when in fact it hasn't been.  If I am to be honest with myself, I must follow that inner drive regardless of where I am, who I am with.  If anything the bible, the Catechism, and even Joseph Campbell give me the strength call a spade a spade, to take my life back and say, "Yes, I am Christian and intellectual".  Now, I let my life be proof.

Birth Right

Shameless stolen from "Marley's Mama"

We have been reading "The Hunger Games" out loud as a family.  It has sort of taken over our lives.  My husband called me on lunch yesterday, "Hunger Games tonight" he said.  He walked in the door just after 4:30, "Ready to read the Hunger Games?"  Oh sure, never mind dinner, homework, or that I've had the flu.  The man has become absorbed.  Alright, maybe he isn't the only one.  Needless to say the boys were up until 9 pm while we finished reading the last 6 chapters of Book one.  We read through the preparation and consumption of our dinner, thanks to my lack of appetite.  We read as we drove the 20 minutes to my car, still at the middle school where I left yesterday because I was too ill to drive myself home.  We read together as the boys prepared for bed.  When we finished the book, my husband picked up the second book and began reading silently to himself and was promptly scolded by the boys and I, "NO CHEATING".   I call this obsession, "Family Reading Night".  I'm not sure how long this will last, but I know that we have two more books, and it will last at least that long.  To the boys, that will be long enough to feel, "permanent".  In their adult memories it will seem like a tradition that always was.  This is how things are measured in, "kid time".

We have "Family Movie Night" too.  It isn't a prescribed weekly event.  It is homemade Pizza, popcorn, Blankets galore, and a movie we all want to watch.  I can't really make that happen EVERY week.  I make that happen when I have a movie we all like in our Instant Que on Netflix, and the energy to make the food.  Again, they will remember this a tradition whether it happens every week, or every couple of weeks.  It happens regularly enough to be a part of our family identity, or at least to be ingrained in them as part of their family's identity, "kid time". This whole "Family Identity" thing didn't happen by accident, or over night for that matter.  It is something I began thinking about shortly after one of my students was shot in a drive by while I student teaching.  Weird?  It's true.

Staring at a spontaneously emptied desk for weeks will really mess with you.  Passing conversations you never intended to remember echo in your mind, "Mrs. G I forgot my homework at my crib." as he bounced from left to right.  "Really?  You sleep in a crib?  My son sleeps in a crib, but he's only 11 months old.  Funny, you seem way too old and far too large to be sleeping in a crib.  To each their own I guess." I smirk teasingly, and he repays me with childish, almost apologetic smile.  Yep, that got me thinking about gangs.  More specifically, about how gangs give kids what they wanted all along; a feeling of belonging.  A clear identity.  Acceptance.  I definitely wanted my kids to get as much of that from ME as possible!  I wasn't worried so much that  they'd run off and join the Crypts or the Bloods so much as I knew that when they were teens they'd start searching.  I wanted to give them a solid pad from which to launch themselves, and a compass, for the search.  It is so hard to navigate the hazards of our teenage years.  Who hasn't floundered a bit.  Those that flounder least have a decent idea of who they are when they enter into that period of life.  I wanted to give them that advantage.  Family identity, and knowing they will also be accepted for who they are are key.

Who needs a water park!

 My sons are stark contrasts to one another.  One is tall and svelte, the other also tall, but brutish in stature.  One is blonde, one Brunette.  One is a dyslexic math whiz, the other a poet that still adds on his fingers.  My Brunette sensitive to the needs of others and almost unaware of his own needs.  My Blonde, well he can tell you exactly how he feels at any given second, but has absolutely no awareness of the feelings or boundaries of others.  Yep, polar opposites.  Family is where they are loved for who they are, and where they find common ground.  I am thankful for the wise priest that told my husband I, "The greatest injustice is treat unequals equally."  In discipline, and communication they are treated according to their needs.  There is no box to fit into at our house, and yet those EVENTS are reoccurring.  I suppose that is how we see family.  

Yep, I started thinking about how I wanted to "define" our family.  Were we the crunchy kind of family?  Were we punk rock?  Were we sporty?  Where did we fit in?  We sorta fit all of those descriptions and more.  This was an evolution, correction.  This IS an evolution.  Honestly, the more our entire family grows in Christ the closer we get to a place were I worry less about manufacturing this, because it happens on it's own.  No, we haven't always exposed our kids to things that I'm proud of, and we have made some mistakes.  Heck, Cooper has almost grown up WITH us.  Everyone makes mistakes, no parent is perfect.  Besides, I don't think a label, like those above, is something I have ever been willing to live "up" too.  How confining.  No, what I think has mattered most is that we spend LOTS of time as a family, PERIOD.  What also matters is that we NEVER, and will never, impose a specific identity on our kids (i.e. "if you don't love football you don't belong" type of identity).  That's what their search is for.  Our job is to give them a compass and a place to feel safe.  That is done based on how we live, what and who we value.  We clearly, unemotionally, communicated to them what we expect of them, what we deem good choices/habits/behaviors, and who are good examples to follow.  We teach them how to chose friends that will benefit them.  We communicate this by LIVING IT.  Funny, the things I couldn't do for myself before them, I can do for myself now, because I'm doing it for them.

We have thrown aside the values of "the world"; status, possessions, and basically the lifestyle most of their peers are familiar with.  I'll be as specific as one paragraph allows.  Only one of us has worked full-time since our first child was born.  My next statement is offensive, it comes from experience this "having it all" idea is a myth.  When both parents work full time the kids suffer, except in very few circumstances where family support is incredibly great and even then I'd debate it.  There is no replacement for Mom or Dad.  I haven't yet met a kid that'd say, "I'd rather have name brand clothes than time with mom and dad".  Or, "I'd rather go to Disney land once a year than have time with my family every day".  Ask them yourself.  

We live on a Cash only basis with the exception of our mortgage (this allowed us the freedom to pick a house in a neighborhood were our kids are safe and surrounded by like minded families).  We don't take extravagant vacations.  We don't go out to eat.  We don't go to the movies, except on special occasions (and then to the budget theater or matinee).  We don't have Cable TV.  My kids get most of their clothes at Goodwill.  We didn't sign them up for sports until they were 10 and 7, and then only a non-competitive soccer league.  While we don't shelter them from alcohol (My husband and I like a beer or two every once in a while), We DO NOT allow people to drink to intoxication in front of them (this seems like a no-brainer, but it wasn't, which is a long story).  WE DO have family dinners nearly every night.  We do hike and camp near home FREQUENTLY.  We do go to Busch Gardens on our ONE annual free "military appreciation" day (Thank you Busch).  We do have fires and roast marshmallows in our backyard.  We do help people in our neighborhood that need it (see a need, fill a need).  We do have 1 tv (well that's a lie, we actually have 4 at the moment, we are storing 3 of them for friends, and can only watch one since we don't have cable).  We do monitor what we watch and listen to when they are around (also something that has evolved and become more stringent as they've gotten older).  We DO tuck them in every night and recap their day.  We DO work, play, pray, eat, laugh, cry, suffer, rejoice, and live TOGETHER.  Profound if you think about it.  You don't have to agree with our tastes to understand our methods.

We gave them life, but their lives are not ours.  We are their teachers, their mentors, the builders of their foundations.  I love them so much.  I want them to be successful BECAUSE of me, not in spite of me.  We need to be available, physically, emotionally, and cognitively in order ensure that.  It was very hard to be honest with myself about what it would take to make that desire a reality.  It is an everyday struggle to die to my own desires in order to give birth to this ONE true desire to build a solid foundation for my sons.  In essence I do give birth to them everyday, everyday until the day they take flight from me.

Surrendering Stinks Sometimes.

It is funny.  I was perfectly okay with this weekend.  Better than I thought I'd be actually.  The Olympic Trials were a touchstone in my surrendering the life of an elite distance runner to devote myself to motherhood.  Before and during the race I was content to live vicariously through my friends.  When it was over and I looked through the results I broke down, not because my former running/training partners did so well (placing: 2, 9, 13, 26, 33, and 74th) .  Heck no, I am incredibly proud of them!  I got upset for a completely different reason.  Well, sort of.

I have to give a little background.  Christmas of 2008 I secretly looked into the World Class Athlete Program offered by the Army.  I knew I could get paid to train, and get great benefits for the family.  If I went through Basic Training and AIT I would then be allowed to train freely at the location of my choosing.  I thought I met the requirements, which at that time were to have placed in the top 3 at a national competition within the last 2 years. When I inquired I was told I in fact did not qualify because the national competition was not an Olympic Distance (It was a 25k).  Not long after that Casey came to me with his dream of joining the Army, so I didn't pursue it further.  I wasn't going to have both parents gone at basic training and AIT.  That seemed really selfish.   They have since changed the requirements to make them more black and white.  I feel the Marathon standard is still totally within my limits if I were to train again.  Now back to the results.

I saw, in the top 25, not one but two women running for the US Army W.C.A.P.  Neither of them were better runners than myself.  They were granted entrance into the program around the same time I inquired and neither of them were within 3 minutes of any of my PR's at the time.   Because I like to torture myself I researched, and found that neither woman currently on the team made the standard before being admitted.  However, they were career soldiers FIRST, then applied (not comforting to me though due to smugness I often experience on the part of female soldiers).  At this point the faster one has  PR's in the 10k and Half Marathon that are actually a just under a minute slower than mine, but a 15k PR that is faster than mine.  We are comparable runners I suppose.  The second still isn't even close to my PR's.  So then, I wanted to know WHY NOT ME!  I felt myself burn with anger and resentment.  I stiffened involuntarily, feeling as though I'd been cheated out of what rightfully belonged to me.

I silently slumped about the house all morning.  "Annie, is there coffee?" "I dunno.  Do you still have legs?  Go look."  If Casey came downstairs I went upstairs.  If he came up I went down.  We normally talk and drink coffee all morning on Saturday and Sunday.  I wanted to punch him and those two stupid girls right in the face.  I was seriously ready to ramp up my training to show up at the Army 10 miler in a cheesy "Army Wife" T-shirt and kick their asses.  Show them whose boss.  Show them how undeserving they were.  Exactly the attitude I have worked so hard to recover from.

Of course Casey wanted to know what was wrong.  I told him.  Of course his response was insensitive, "I gave it (a promising athletic career) all up too.  I moved on."  In all fairness "giving it up" isn't the same as "losing it".  Power events (high jump) and distance events are very different in this way.  "At any moment honey, I can pick it back up and be back where I was in a year or so.  It isn't the same."  Crying hysterically at this point, which makes him totally uncomfortable because I don't do this often.  He shifts his weight every 2 seconds and keeps his arms locked to his sides in terror that I might try to cling on.  In a Hank Hill to Luanne tone he asks, "Annie, seriously, how many dead ends are you gonna hit before you get God's point?  Have you prayed?"  Okay, so while this is totally correct, it may not have been the best timing ever.  Left hook much?

I didn't hit my husband.  I didn't even yell at him, even though I really wanted to.  I knew he was right.  It wasn't meant to be.  Those women WEREN'T undeserving at all.  I was being a jerk.  I have said several times that Pride and Vanity are huge issues for me, Vengeance too I suppose.  I am doing what I have been called to do.  I don't always like it.  In fact sometimes I down right want to scream at God that he made a mistake, throw myself down arms and legs in every direction, and demand to have my way.  Luckily, within minutes some one or something enlightens me as to my assholish ways and then I find strength to admit that I am wrong.

Enjoyed this day and ran w/o an ego.  The following year I had a huge ego.  

Tonight at Mass, as I prayed, I envisioned myself running a race.  I was near the front of the pack chasing down this woman.  I was filled with the "I'm gonna show you whose boss" feeling.  I looked to the spectators and saw Jesus.  His shoulders slouched, head hanging and shaking in disappointment and sadness.  Then I envisioned myself again running a race.  This time I had no idea where I was in the pack.  I was filled with joy.  I noticed the way the light filtered through the leaves, they way their greens contrasted against a bright blue sky.  I noticed the festive colors of the finish area and Jesus behind the finish line excitedly waving me in.  His arms WIDE open waiting to wrap me up after I finished.  I actually have had both race experiences in real life, minus Jesus being there in person of course.  I realized it's the same Jesus, but different me's.  It is my choice.  I can use my talents or abuse them.  In using them they help others and myself.  "Do nothing out of selfishness or out of vainglory..." Phillipians 2:3  Until I can run with that verse in my heart I will not "train" or compete.  I would just make it all about me, and everyone around me would suffer.  Not to mention the demands of being a military wife with 2 school age children are preventative enough in their own right.  I have made the right choice.  I feel confirmed that I am following God's will for me and my family.  Though I still have days when it is hard to be at peace with it.

What? You talking to me?

Panting.  Straining.  My muscles flex and release in a heavy, uneven cadence.  "Aw man, I feel like crap.  My legs are lead, and lungs are about to burst.  I can't wait until this is over... hey someone is coming.  Look lively.  Pick it up.  Make it look effortless.  Suppress that breathing!  sound chipper now, 'hello!' Ha!  I showed him.  Dang, now I'm really dead."  This is me, enjoying a run.  HA!  Honestly, this could be a metaphor for me "enjoying" life sometimes too.

Today, while I was running I didn't do this, but I did remember a day last week when I did something similar.  I was running through William and Mary College's Campus.  I have a tendency to especially "enjoy" runs on campus, I like to think I'm "showing those college kids whose boss".  Some "college kid" starts taunting me with, "Run! Run! Run!" and fake running arms.  So I schooled him with a, "You couldn't keep up", only to look over my shoulder to see one of the members of the College's Men's track team blazing past me on the other side of the street.  I am arrogant, prideful, vain, keep the list rolling... Mostly I like to make things about me.  I'm fast.  I'm smart.  I'm tough.  I deserve this.  I don't deserve that.  That's human nature isn't it.  God frequently, like this time, shows me that he expects a little more humility from me, but I sure don't want to listen.  The effect?  I take things I should enjoy, like a run, and make them miserable for me, and those around me, while simultaneously looking like a jack ass.  At least now I not only know this about myself, but I am working to knock it off.

I wasn't all that aware of God's attempts to show me this flaw until my husband left for boot camp.  I took on EVERYTHING: remodeling a house, homeschooling my kids, running my own business, and (though barely) keeping our utilities on, the car from getting repo-ed, and the house from going into foreclosure (Army didn't pay us for 10 weeks).  I mean, I AM superwoman, duh.  I THOUGHT I was being totally selfless, but in all reality I was being prideful, and indignant.  My neighbors offered help, and I NEEDED it, but I didn't accept it.  Superwoman doesn't need help.  In fact even offering help to Superwoman is taken as an insult.

One afternoon, after a day slaving away for my family, I was about to leave for my evening of tutoring several students.  It was a cold, snowy, Michigan evening.  I started the car, belted Cooper in.  He was 9.  Then walked Will to the neighbors.  The only help I accepted was to allow them to drive him to wrestling.  I walk back to the car and Cooper is standing outside of it.  "Why aren't you in the car?"
"I forgot something, but the house was locked"  I go to open the car door, but it's locked.  The car is still running.  The house locked.  The car locked and running.  I have no money.  Great.  (so I'll just use symbols instead of letters now).

"Excuse me!  What the @#$% Cooper.  G#$D@#MIT!  I don't have any money.  I'm going to be late to make money because you didn't listen to me!  Why the F@#$ didn't you listen to me."  At this point I hear myself talking.  This isn't me.  I rarely raise my voice at my kids, and now I'm swearing at my 9 year old who has a steady stream of tears rolling down his rosy cheeks.  I don't just swear at him.  I blame him.  In excusable, he is a child!  Wow.  Stressed much Superwoman?  After a very nice sheriff's deputy unlocks my car I find the clicker in my pocket.  I could've unlocked it all along.

With great humility, and shame, I apologize to Cooper.  I show him the car remote that I found in my pocket.  I admit that what I did was absolutely wrong, and I ask him to forgive me.  He says, "Thanks Mom, and of course I forgive you.  You are just stressed out and missing dad.  I know how you feel."  He certainly did, because he, more than any of us, was pining away for his dad.  Wow.  I'm a jack ass.  It was at this moment that I realized how much my pride, and my focus on myself (he locked ME out of the car, I was going to be late etc.), wounds everyone around me.  It isn't about me.  What I have a tendency to do on runs, ruin them by making them more about me than about the run, I also do in regular every day life.  Except I'm ruining more than a run.  Since that cold day with Cooper I have used my urges to make my runs about me (proving how tough I am) as an opportunity to conquer my pride.  Sometimes I still fail.

Now when my husband is gone and I'm doing it all, all by myself, I'm not as afraid to ask for help.  I am weak, and I need it.  I CAN'T do it all myself.  When I start to get cocky God always reminds me to be humble.  My kids are quite thankful for  the change.  Now Dad's absences aren't accompanied with a Mom spread thin to screaming.  I'm glad I learned that early on.  Now I can enjoy them, because I'm not making it about me.  I see this as a HUGE blessing, because I think it's normal human nature to make everything about "us".  It takes divine intervention to realize A.) that we do it B.) how we do it C.) how it affects our relationships and finally, D.) what we need to do to fix it.  So if confessing that I swore a red streak at my 9 year old because I'm a prideful idiot helps anyone else get A,B,C, or D it's worth it!

All the Small Things...

I have a lot going on in my head today.  I could probably write 3 or 4 posts.  Perhaps I will.  For now I'll keep it simple.  My husband and I are are resolved to see to the little things this year.  Little things like, making the bed, keeping up with the dishes, brushing our teeth, making healthier choices.  How mundane.  Yes, Annie this is where your life is.  How necessary.  If I can't master these little things how am I supposed to move on to bigger things?  I find it very hard to tend to the mundane details of life.  I love my interior journey, and helping my kids develop.  I loath routine, it takes away from my thinking, but if I'm actually going to develop into a more "whole" person I have to get out of the comfort zone.  How am I supposed to give the boys opportunities for selfless service if I can't remember to call charities, let alone show up.  Neither of my kids have been through first communion because we do religious education at home and I can't remember to sign them up for Religious Education after Mass on Sunday.  It's not on my Radar, the homily is.

Will and I. An old collage I made.  A statement on my way of "being"

It takes way more effort and energy for me to establish a routine and see to tasks of everyday life than it seems to take other people.  I have a planner.  If I don't write an appointment down in that planner it doesn't happen.  I don't think I could survive a week in the "real" world without it.  I even have to write down things like, "go to the grocery store", "call your family", "put on deodorant", and "drink more water".  I see other mothers effortlessly keeping appointments, looking very "together", while I struggle to keep up.  In fact, I get my hair styled so that I don't have to comb it and it will still look great.  If I had longer hair the world would surely know my secret.  I have baskets and drawers in my house so that I can literally throw things in them, close them and my house will still look neat.  Note to friends, beware before opening ANYTHING up in my house, I am not responsible for any injuries that may occur.  I often wear mismatched socks.  I don't care if they match so long as they serve their purpose.  Luckily it's a fad right now.  I really try hard to look "good" when going out in public with the "guys" in my life, but if the folks we encountered followed us home they'd find a slightly different story.  Don't get me wrong I love to get dressed up and be shown off, and this is true of everyone to an extent.  I just bet they'd be surprised at what they'd find in my dresser drawers. (One day I brought the boys into our bedroom, opened drawers on either side of the dresser.  One side was neatly folded and organized; the other side looked like a few families of mice had been nesting in it for a decade or two.  I said, "Which side is Dad's?"  They both pointed to the organized side, and started laughing.)

I'm not going to try to change who I am, fundamentally as a person.  I just want to show myself a little respect, and to be a little more "with it" for my family.  I want to practice being present in the now, instead of far away in my mind.  So this year, I am going to attempt to be a little more grounded in tending to daily tasks.  I plan only on changing those things which will make me healthier, and more "responsible".  Even if I have to make charts of charts in order to keep on it.  Good luck to me.

Something Good to say

I am obsessed with running along the James River, the river my ancestors (paternal lineage) traveled down in 1699.  Family history is so awesome.  I picture their wooden beast of a ship heaving itself up the James every time I run along it.  Though they were founding members of the Knights of Malta, They were now Huguenot nobility escaping religious oppression.  Not everyone lived through the trip across the punishing Atlantic.  They were escaping to the "New World" to land that William the Orange had promised them for their Heroics in his crusade against the Irish (Catholics).  The town they founded actually still exsists, there is a Huguenot museum there, (List of settlers: Daniel Foure is my ancestor listed in the final column).  This branch of my family sure liked to kill people in the name of religious affiliation.  I'm Catholic, my mom is Irish catholic.  So much for all that fighting, and exile.

I have a giant chest tattoo in the center is the family shield for this branch, behind it is a Maltese Cross, and behind the Maltese Cross is a Eucharist.  There is a point to all of this.  Everyone has something to contribute to our development spiritually and intellectually.  I don't want to miss out on what I can learn from Ayn Rand simply because she was an Atheist, "Ask yourself whether the dream of heaven and greatness should be waiting for us in our graves - or whether it should be ours here and now and on this earth."  I know what her intended meaning was, but I take something very different away from this quote than she intended.  Even though she might roll over in her grave, I can interpret this as telling me to live for heaven now.  I will not keep from myself the words of an author because of their religious beliefs, because I want to explore myself.  There is no discovery in exploration without a challenge.  I certainly will not kill someone because they don't see eye to eye with me.  

I am lucky enough know of the contradictions that riddle my family's history.  I think this has given me permission to view all people as equally, inherently, flawed, and as able teachers.  Einstein, Aristotle, Dickens, Rand, Ghandi, all flawed and all lend VALUABLE insights that I have learned from.  They all had something good to say.  While they may not share my religious beliefs or practices, they have something to teach about Virtue, even if some of them (ahem Dickens) weren't very virtuous.  I'll take the lesson and leave the internal struggle of the teacher to the teacher to worry about.  My tattoo is a "little" reminder of not only family history, but also of this lesson:  a life well lived accomplishes more than the sword.  Oh yeah,  P.s. on a sidenote.  Even though my Ancestor, Daniel Foure, was one of the Huguenots that helped to found Manakin Va in order to escape religious persecution, I cannot join the Huguenot society headed there because I am not a protestant.  I don't care who you are, that's funny.

Ghandi

Whoa, 3 entries in one day!  Holy smokes!  My husband and sons are working on a construction project and I actually have some real time to dump my thoughts!  I have a thing for Ghandi.  I have mentioned it before on this blog.  One of my favorite quotes on Christianity comes from him, " I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ."  I think I love this quote because I can totally identify with it.  In a previous post I mentioned rejecting people that didn't accept my values.  There could be some self-identified Christians in that group.  It is important to note that in my vernacular, "reject" is NOT synonymous with "condemn".  I simply mean that I won't share my private time with them, but I will still show them love as best I can.


I think one of my stumbling blocks with finally owning my faith was that I felt I wasn't perfect enough to be Christian on the one hand, and I knew too many Christians that were flat out jerks that told me I wasn't good enough, or living righteously enough on the other.  Because of this I felt unworthy of Christ, like an ugly duckling and I my feelings were only being reinforced by people that should've been accepting and supporting me.  Talk about confusing.  I didn't and don't want to be associated with people that were and are so mean.  I want to be careful to not morph, accidentally, into a self-righteous jerk.  To prevent this I will be selective in who I let "into my head".


On the other hand I have known many people that don't yet know what they believe, or don't believe that Jesus is Christ, or don't believe in God for that matter.  I will always keep these people in my life, so long as they continue to accept me.  Why?  Because they live like Christ even if they don't share my faith in him.  I would rather have a friend that accepts me, and lives a life style in keeping  with my own, that will encourage me even if they don't agree with me.  They will rejuvenate me and enrich my life more than a self-identified Christian trying to pick, "a log out of their neighbors eye".  Even if they don't want to admit it, these friends of mine are more Christ like than the droves of Christians that actually drove me from Christ.


I have also been lucky enough to have plenty of Christian Friends that have given me strength to own my faith.  Friends that don't just have a bumper sticker relationship with Christianity, but they actually live the life a Christian is called to live.  Without those types of friends I would not be able to write this blog at all.  But, it's those friendships in which we disagree on fundamentals and yet can still get support, that Christ's love, as Ghandi would see it, is embodied.  So in short, faith Christ isn't my determining factor in who to include in my life, and my children's lives, but life styl, and willingness to support my faith in Christ is.  If one looks outwardly for the truth, and inward to judge we will most likely get along.  No one is perfect, most definitely not me.  I have chosen to live a life-style that actively rejects what the world embraces, and will surround myself with people who do the same.  You don't have to be a Christian to do that, but I need strength from Christ to become better than who I am, and to weather the criticism of the world that I am actively rejecting.  Why we are doing it may be the core difference in our values, and yet matters least in how we treat one another.  Behaviors, not beliefs is what matters most to me.


Religion, Spirituality, is a journey EACH ONE OF US takes.  We all seek answers to the same questions.  Some of us actively seek out answers, reading and researching for answers.  I, like Lee Strobel, took the journey and came to one conclusion.  Other's take the journey and come to yet another conclusion.  Some keep the journey locked within themselves never looking openly for answers, and never finding them.  No matter what another human's journey is, it is their's and not mine.  Who am I to tell them what they should do, where they should go.  It is simply my job to love them, and most of the time I fail them.  My job is to judge inward, not outward, so that I might love them better.  Really none of us knows (intellectually) the truth about much of anything.  Faith is something you can't know intellectually at all anyway.  It is something you live.  The rest of it is just a bramble of formalities many people get caught up in.  


I will discuss Aristotle's Nicomachean Ethics in a different post.  Reading his outlook on friendship and virtue really helped me navigate my way through this conundrum.