God's Currency Part 2

I had a dream a few months ago.  I was in a hard wood forest.  For as far as I could see there were fat, sturdy trunks that shot straight to the sky, except where I stood.  I stood in a small open meadow.  The sun beamed into it, while the rest of the forest was darkly shadowed.  In this meadow stood, well I can hardly say "stood" it was so degenerate looking, a twisted, gnarly, crooked tree.  It was almost as if the other trees created this meadow in an attempt to steer clear of this crippled tree, all of the trees except one small sapling.  This sapling was bent as if looking up at the branches of the degenerate tree with admiration.  Then I began to communicate with the trees (yes, I have very interesting dreams).


"Why do you want to be like that tree?  Don't you want to be like those trees, straight and tall?"
"No."
"Why not?  If you grow like that you be thought of as ugly and crippled compared to the other trees."
"But the light favors it.  I want the light to favor me too."
Then I heard a voice say, "Those who suffer the greatest pain receive the most light."

At this point I was woke immediately and continued to "hear" internally, "I see this great pain in the world today.  A pain that comes from a wanting to be beautiful.  God doesn't make mistakes.  Everything he makes is beautiful."  There was much more, but I am not comfortable sharing it as of yet.  Since I was wide awake, I wrote it all down. Needless to say, I wasn't sure what exactly had happened or why.  Then a yesterday a friend shared that she had a "tree dream", not knowing of my dream.  In her dream.  She saw a tree. It's sturdy trunk was large and strong and its full branches stretched out overhead, lush and green. She was then told that it was rooted in Truth.
"Truth comes from the ground?" She wondered. 
"It was planted there by God," came the reply.

I thought this was VERY peculiar.  I didn't immediately draw any conclusion, but then after stumbling upon Isaiah 53 this morning it all made so much sense.  "He grew up like a sapling before him, like a shoot from the parched earth; There was in him no stately bearing to make us look at him, nor appearance that would attract us to him.He was spurned and avoided by men, a man of suffering, accustomed to infirmity, one of those from whom men hide their faces, spurned, and we held him in no esteem."  and on and on, the entire chapter is applicable.

I came to understand, that in my dream the gnarly tree is Christ as the world sees him.  Since Jesus said, "I have given you a model to follow, so that as I have done for you, you should also do.  Amen, amen I say to you no slave is greater than his master nor any messenger greater than the one who sent him.  If you understand this, blessed are you if you do it."  This means that if we live for him the world will also see this way.  We must die to the world.  We must cease to care about the worlds opinion of us and how we live our lives, because the world will see us as twisted and crippled.  

My friends dream then the soil is the "truth" of the word, and tree is Christ, as God sees him.  It is how we look to God when we plant our roots in the truth of Christ.  What the eyes of the world see is a lie because the heart of the world is deceived into believing that money and material goods are the currency that determines our true value.  This is not true.  Our true value is determined by our honest intentions to live as God calls us to live.  

My Promise

An American Journalist once asked Mohandas Ghandi a question . The American jouranlist asked Ghandi, "What is your opinion of American civilization?" Ghandi smiled and replied to the American journalist, "I think it would be an excellent idea". Ghandi understood the term "Civilization" in all it's true depth, in a way most American's don't.  Root word Civil: of or pertaining to the people or their benefit.  The one word repeated in the following definitons of civilization is "INTELLECTUAL".civ·i·li·za·tion  (sv-l-zshn) n. 1. An advanced state of intellectual, cultural, and material development in human society, marked by progress in the arts and sciences, the extensive use of record-keeping, including writing, and the appearance of complex political and social institutions. 2. The type of culture and society developed by a particular nation or region or in a particular epoch: Mayan civilization; the civilization of ancient Rome. 3. The act or process of civilizing or reaching a civilized state. 4. Cultural or intellectual refinement; good taste.

I am not content to live between paychecks.  I have mentioned this before, I have no pre-occupation with money or "stuff".  It just isn't on my radar.  SERIOUSLY.  People, living in my head, living between ideas, or worlds, between the me that I am and the me that I'd like to become that is what appeals to me.  Until we joined the Army, I surrounded myself with people that were similar in mind, in that they lived deliberately.  They knew why they did what they did, and they worked to better themselves in their cause.  They are still my friends, though over great distance.  I had a difficult time in school, not living in a world that was "guess jeans" or what ever fad was cool.  To me, even at 11 or 12, that just seemed silly.  The fad would change, but how would I?  This notion I had spared no clique.  The goths and Emos, were just as generic and unoriginal as the jocks and preps.  They were all the same.  All defined by materials.  Not working to find out who they were, but purchasing an identity manufactured by American Eagle, or Hot topic.Seemed like a meaningless pursuit when considering that "materially" we are but a speck in the universe.  By high school I saw most of my classmates as Lemmings chasing fads over the edges of cliffs.  I tried to fit into a prefab box, with no success.  I'm just me I guess, and that just validated what I had already felt, that most people see the "world" as being there to serve them.  I internalized this in a very hostile way, and projected this opinion with hostility as well.  In reality it was just hard for me to know that they were missing out on the inner journey.  They weren't awake, weren't living.  They were existing.  I have journals full of my concern for them.  It was just easier to react with anger than concern.  When I left my home town, I made sure to only "invest" in people that were awakened to LIVING.  In this way I could ignore the wider world, and pretend there was no problem, and protect myself.  When in actuality I just removed myself from the one place where, if I were willing to listen, I might, in return be heard. I might, through love an compassion, effect change.

I see this when most people see...

In the Army I was thrown into the Masses.  No longer able to protect myself from this old feeling of concern.  My ears were no longer deaf. This old "lemming" thing came back to haunt me.  I had been avoiding it, ignoring it.  Animals live between meals.  When they aren't eating, they are hunting for food.  They don't think about how they can grow to become a better hunter, or mother, or father, or friend.  They certainly don't think about the affect of their Consumption, as it is a necessity for them to consume.  How is a human living between purchases any different than an animal?  This is what I wonder.  I consider status to be an illusion we purchase when we buy a car, or a plasma screen tv, or an Ipad, or an Iphone, or whatever is the latest buzz in Advertising.  It's like buying certificate of validation written in invisible ink.  Because next year it will be outdated and we'll have to buy something newer and shinier to get a new certificate.  I of course have a car, I didn't buy it make a statement, I bought it to get me from point a to point b.  I don't care that it has scratched paint, miss matched rims, and looks like a tiny toaster.  I have a small 19 inch TV that I bought in 2004.  I don't have an Ipad, or an Iphone, as those are totally unnecessary.  I buy what I NEED.  I honestly have no idea what the latest technology is.  I am clueless about the latest fashion trends.  Things, to me, are utilitarian.  Yes, my husband and I STILL get teased because of our view of material possessions.  Something I am coming to accept is that not everyone sees the world through my lens, and that I need to grow so I can accept those who lavishly consume and withhold judgement, because I don't understand that world.  I have been hostile towards those that live within this materially preoccupied world so I can validate my own, opposing vision.  Just because I don't understand their lifestyle, or outlook doesn't mean they aren't worthy of my tolerance.  So hard for me, because I am radically opposed consumerism to the point that newly constructed track home neighborhoods make me physically ill.  I have to accept, and listen.

This... "McMansions"

I hope now to give my beautiful flowers, of laughter, encouragement, acceptance, and love to EVERYONE not simply those that share my vision of the world.  I hope also, that in giving my flowers, I will plant seeds that this life is more than existing in an animal like state, more than who did what to who, more than what you have.  It's more than being a robot consumer that is slave to advertising.  This is YOUR life.  This life is what you DO, what you learn, and who you shower love upon.  It's about being people centered, not things centered.  It's about thinking about what you do, and how it effects other people, and the planet.  It is about whether or not you evolve so that you too have beautiful flowers of laughter, encouragement, love, and acceptance to give to others.  It starts with me.  My example of tolerance, love, and acceptance is the voice of my concern.  My hostility would only continue to foster an "us" and "them" attitude.  This isn't high school anymore.  I must be growth I want to see, because a civilization built up on things, and not upon the intellect of it's people is hardly a civilization.  MY PROMISE to those I once called "lemmings", I will listen; my love WILL be enough.  I will make it so...

civ·i·lized  (sv-lzd)

adj.

1. Having a highly developed society and culture.

2. Showing evidence of moral and intellectual advancement; humane, ethical, and reasonable

10 ways to Pay it Forward.

Ten things we can to do to Pay it forward...

1.) If you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything at all.  In all honestly, no one cares to hear you be negative.

2.) Smile and Say "Hello" to everyone you meet today.

3.) Take the time to listen to strangers stories.  Some people desperately need to unburden themselves from their load, and you may be the only person they have to talk to, so be a good listener.  Sometimes it can really test your patience, but it is an important thing for us to do.  Taking the time to be invested in humanity is never a waste of time.

4.) When someone drops something, or many things, help them pick it up.

5.) Tell your mail carrier, newspaper boy, etc.  "Thank you"

6.) Give genuine compliments... even to family members.  I think it's sometimes easier to give strangers compliments than family.  I think this one is CRUCIAL to do with our kids.  We get so busy telling them what not to do, and what they need to do better that we forget to tell them what they do well, and what we appreciate about them.

7.) Make a gratitude list.  While this is something you do for yourself, make a list of what you have to be grateful for and everyone you encounter will benefit from your improved mood.  Not to mention that when we are focused on what WE HAVE, we aren't focused on what don't have nor do we envy what others DO HAVE.

8.) Be a friend, to everyone.  I'm not saying to bring everyone home.  I am talking about when you are outside of your house.  So often we enter into the world defensively, seeing others as our enemy, and we aren't even aware of our attitude.  Start seeing those around you as a friend, and you will be nicer to everyone.  Perhaps everyone will be nicer to you.

9.) Be GREEN.  yep, being good to the Earth is good for everyone.

10.) Be good to yourself.  If you can't love yourself, you can't love anyone else.

It takes a lot of courage to get started on any of these, because you could easily be met with grumpiness. Just remember, "we must be the change we want to see in the world" Ghandi (of course!)

Paying it forward... It's the entire point!

My socks match!  Evidence that I am making good on my promise to myself to tend to the details of daily life!  I also signed the boys up for Religious Education yesterday.  My husband and I have preferred doing this education at home.  We also have preferred going to church without becoming members.  We have done that for years.  Part of why we homeschooled our kids in Religious Education was because we had to join a Parish to enroll them, and we either were between moves, or too busy and poor to donate time, treasure or talent.  We (knowingly) were not participating in what is probably the single most important part of not just our Religion, but any one's walk towards "goodness"; doing good for others.

When our kids were young (4 and 1) and were still in Indiana we did Pre-Cana (Pre-Marriage preparation), and Cooper went to Catholic school until 1st grade.  In Colorado Casey was a Catechist (Sunday School teacher).  When we left Indiana in 2007 we basically gave up trying to donate our time.  We knew we weren't dependable, and we weren't.  We've moved 5 times since 2007.  We devoted ourselves, instead, to doing good for the boys.  We'll be here for a while so it's time to get back to it!  Doing good deeds for others is the entire point of existence, and certainly religion is supposed to help us see this and give us opportunities for it.

However, anyone can do good deeds.  One of the things we tried to teach the boys, besides bible stories, the trinity, and the sacraments, was to recognize and SEIZE opportunities to help others in everyday life.  They are both good about fearlessly approaching people in stores and parking lots if they seem to need some help.  They are also, and this is something I'm quite proud of, very good at befriending kids at school that have been ridiculed and socially exiled.

The Religious Education director didn't know any of this when I called her yesterday.  She knew only that my kid's hadn't ever been enrolled in Religious Education, and that we weren't members of any Parish.  She rightfully assumed we were fallen away Catholics.  She wanted to interview the boys before deciding whether or not to enroll them in their grade appropriate classes, or to send them to RCIA (for a batized Catholic this is like a remedial class to re-educate you).  I felt that she was making a great choice!

When I showed up with the boys, tattooed and all (by the way, I see my tattoos as being no different than iconography and frescoes on church walls, though I am well aware not everyone shares my outlook) I think she was fairly certain they'd need to go to RCIA.  She left me to fill out paper work and took the boys to interview them.  When she was done she came to me and in a pleasantly surprised voice said, "They are adorable, and chatty.  I think they can just go to their grade appropriate classes.  You have done a great job with them".  WOW!  What a huge compliment.  What great validation!  Now, on to the next phase of parenting; teaching how to execute selfless service in a more "grown up way".

All the Small Things...

I have a lot going on in my head today.  I could probably write 3 or 4 posts.  Perhaps I will.  For now I'll keep it simple.  My husband and I are are resolved to see to the little things this year.  Little things like, making the bed, keeping up with the dishes, brushing our teeth, making healthier choices.  How mundane.  Yes, Annie this is where your life is.  How necessary.  If I can't master these little things how am I supposed to move on to bigger things?  I find it very hard to tend to the mundane details of life.  I love my interior journey, and helping my kids develop.  I loath routine, it takes away from my thinking, but if I'm actually going to develop into a more "whole" person I have to get out of the comfort zone.  How am I supposed to give the boys opportunities for selfless service if I can't remember to call charities, let alone show up.  Neither of my kids have been through first communion because we do religious education at home and I can't remember to sign them up for Religious Education after Mass on Sunday.  It's not on my Radar, the homily is.

Will and I. An old collage I made.  A statement on my way of "being"

It takes way more effort and energy for me to establish a routine and see to tasks of everyday life than it seems to take other people.  I have a planner.  If I don't write an appointment down in that planner it doesn't happen.  I don't think I could survive a week in the "real" world without it.  I even have to write down things like, "go to the grocery store", "call your family", "put on deodorant", and "drink more water".  I see other mothers effortlessly keeping appointments, looking very "together", while I struggle to keep up.  In fact, I get my hair styled so that I don't have to comb it and it will still look great.  If I had longer hair the world would surely know my secret.  I have baskets and drawers in my house so that I can literally throw things in them, close them and my house will still look neat.  Note to friends, beware before opening ANYTHING up in my house, I am not responsible for any injuries that may occur.  I often wear mismatched socks.  I don't care if they match so long as they serve their purpose.  Luckily it's a fad right now.  I really try hard to look "good" when going out in public with the "guys" in my life, but if the folks we encountered followed us home they'd find a slightly different story.  Don't get me wrong I love to get dressed up and be shown off, and this is true of everyone to an extent.  I just bet they'd be surprised at what they'd find in my dresser drawers. (One day I brought the boys into our bedroom, opened drawers on either side of the dresser.  One side was neatly folded and organized; the other side looked like a few families of mice had been nesting in it for a decade or two.  I said, "Which side is Dad's?"  They both pointed to the organized side, and started laughing.)

I'm not going to try to change who I am, fundamentally as a person.  I just want to show myself a little respect, and to be a little more "with it" for my family.  I want to practice being present in the now, instead of far away in my mind.  So this year, I am going to attempt to be a little more grounded in tending to daily tasks.  I plan only on changing those things which will make me healthier, and more "responsible".  Even if I have to make charts of charts in order to keep on it.  Good luck to me.

getting off the fence

Determining the world I wanted my sons to see was the easy part.  I wanted them to live simply. To listen more than they speak.  To be humble.  I wanted them to question their own motives and desires, as well as those of the people they encounter.  I wanted them to see the world as a place in which they are alien citizen who have the responsibility to do good to others and the planet itself.  I wanted them to follow Christs example, because one thing EVERYONE can agree on is that he was an awesome dude, that did great things.  However, manufacturing that vision to their minds eye, is another story entirely.

I have failed many times over at teaching them this, at being an example to them.  I have said before on this site that it was difficult for me to know the line between providing for my sons, and making them slaves to the expectations of a materialistic society.  Every parent wants to provide their child with the things that will save them from being the social outsider at their school.  While I have still failed to master this concept, of all of my responsibilities as "PARENT" I have succeed most in this area.  Sad, huh.  I have succeed in teaching them vision, but not in teaching them how to live within it.  I have built the blue print, but not a users guide.

The husband and I have done a great job of discouraging participation in clothing and toy fads.  While we have bought our share of Bakugan, Hex bugs, and BeyBlades, clothing is a different matter.  The boys wear polo t-shirts, and jeans to school.  They prefer to dress this way.  They say it makes them feel good about themselves, and keeps them from attracting unwanted associations as to their character and preferences (at least so far.  Junior High will be a different story next year).  So while we've done a great job of not buying labels, shopping at thrift stores, and teaching our children to not want material possessions, we have failed to teach them that unwanted associations and judgments are a part of life.  I'm sure next year will give us plenty of opportunities with Cooper who will be entering 6th grade.

I think the thing I struggle with the most is dealing with persecution for my associations and values.  I keep my beliefs, and values pretty close to me, and do not carry them with me outside of my own home, unless I'm going to church.  What does this teach them?  I don't care what your beliefs are, if you only value them and practice them at home, that teaches your kids that they are conditional.  That what you truly value is blending in.  


As the boys are getting older it is becoming more and more critical that I have no fear in advertising my beliefs, regardless of the  consequences.  It becomes critical that I LIVE my beliefs as a verb, and not keep them only in my heart.  What I have been doing is no different than people who put a yellow, "Support our troops" magnet on their car and leave it at that.  They do not actually support our troops.  A magnet doesn't do it.  Sacrifice, volunteering time, talents, or funds to that cause would be supporting their troops.  I have had a sticker relationship with my values for far too long now.  How are the boys supposed to live in opposition to what the world values, if I won't?  

I had my children young.  Perhaps that's not an excuse.  I still need my excuses I suppose.  While they were young I was struggling with who to be in the world myself.  I couldn't manufacture a vision for someone else by any means.  I couldn't own my beliefs.  I wanted my belief in Christ to be just our secret.  It was good enough, right?  Christ knew I loved him in my heart.  Now I see that this is no different than never showing my love to my husband and just assuming he knows how I feel.  If I never hugged him, never honored his wishes, never performed acts of kindness for him, never owned up to being married, and acted single when I was with single people.  Pretty sure that would devastate my Mr. and eventually lead to a divorce.

Loving Christ means that the world will persecute me.  It means that I will be rejected.  I have a serious fear of being rejected.  I have not always done the greatest job of filling up my daily life with people that won't reject (rejecting and disagreeing are two incredibly different things to me I will explain in a later post) my beliefs, and because of that I haven't had the support I needed to weather rejection... a catch 22.  A catch 22 trap I built around myself because of the circles I allowed us to travel.  It's a choice.  A choice that requires me to reject the social invitations of others.  I hate rejecting people more than I hate to be rejected.  I have struggled with the bible telling us, "Bring not every man into your house for many are the snares of the crafty one... If you do good, know for whom you are doing it, and your kindness will have it's effect.  Give to the good man, refuse the sinner." (Sirach 11:29-30, and 12:1-7) and Jesus telling us to forgive 70x7, to love our neighbor, and "what you do to the least of men you do unto me".   I find the good in everyone I meet so this seeming contradiction has really been hard for me.  As my Mr. says I, "view the world through rose colored glasses, and find a bit of (myself) in absolutely everyone."  For me rejecting someone else is a bit like rejecting a part of myself.

Having kids means you will encounter a spectrum of people, perhaps more closely than not.  When you don't have kids you can control the circles in which you travel a bit more.  You don't have to go to soccer games, wrestling matches, school functions.  Since, I find the good in pretty much everyone I meet when a person invites my family to do something I say "yes" without even weighing the possibilities.   I think I have finally, and hopefully not too late, figured this out.  This part of my fabrication for the boys has been the hardest.  As they have started making friends, and because of our time in the military, I have learned that this isn't a contradiction.  It means to be very choosy with those people you call close friends.  The majority of our time is spent among all people.  We are to treat them lovingly, compassionately and with forgiveness.  When you are at work and a co-worker (or mom at the playground) takes a caddy jab at your performance (parenting), when you get cut off in traffic, when someone at the store blocks the aisle; you do not react in anger, but in compassion.  We are to be "light in the darkness", a smile among grumps even if we have EVERY right to be grumpy too.  A super human feat called grace.

Your social time is your time.  It is limited and precious.  Most importantly you get to chose who to spend it with.  It is during this time that you pick only those that support your belief.  If we are truly going to have the strength to live out our beliefs, to be counter-cultural, this time needs to be shared only with those that will encourage us, support us, and allow us to feel mainstream even if only for a short time.  So that we have the energy and peace to again go out into the world and walk up the down escalator with a smile on our face.

I have failed my sons, until now, in how to live this.  If I continue to make the same mistakes they will not understand that peer pressure happens, it never stops happening, and that it their responsibility to weather it without caving in.  That standing up for what you believe in isn't the same as rejecting others.  Scientific research proves that doing good for others rejuvenates our bodies at the cellular level to repair damage done by stress of day to day life.  After all, true inner happiness comes not from doing good for ourselves, but in being good to others.  Their only example of how to live actively will come from home.  I am responsible for constructing this reality, and it's user guide, for them through my actions, through my life.  

journeying

Comfort kills. I heard that in some advertising campaign a while ago. I don't mean it literally, because I actually like being comfortable. I mean it in an broad figurative sense. Getting complacent with your life and yourself kills the potential human you could be. Casey and I, a long time ago, dreamed of adopting a "little" girl. I say "little" because we never really imagined ourselves adopting a baby. We knew we didn't want to dip below the age of 5. There are so many kids ready to be adopted right here in the US foster care system. They all have a back story, and NONE of them are responsible for how they ended up there. This morning we head to our social-workers office to discuss our potential matches.

I could go into a preachy, don't blame the children for the crime of the parents speech here, but instead I want to share the personal side of this decision. After all, it's the personal side that is interesting, no one cares what socio-political view point sparked the initial motivation. This process is beautiful and terrifying all at once. Since starting I have seen my family members in ways I never could have if we'd remained complacent, and my love for them has grown profoundly deep.

I have not met many men that would agree to bring a 10-14 year old girl into their family. Most men steer clear of girls that age, and rightfully so, they can be terrifying little balls of raging hormones. My man? He said let's go to the classes. I think he may have had a Daddy Warbucks fantasy at first, he does LOVE to be the hero. I was sure to burst his bubble at every opportunity. I have been working with At-Risk youth most of my adult life, and I knew he needed to go into this with eyes wide open.

As we went through classes I watched his perceptions of foster-care adoption change. His altruistic rosey picture became more real. He came to realize that even though our future daughter WANTS a family, she won't (most likely) want a "replacement" family. She will have memories, yes even fond ones, of her own biological family and we must respect those. He came to own the role of Father for a girl means something that is much different than it is for our boys. I think he relishes that fact.

Our approval was official last Saturday. While I jumped up and down and sang in celebration with our sons I failed to notice my understated spouse slip away. A few minutes later, when I realized he was gone, I went to look for him. I found him upstairs pouring over the adoption listings for girls in our age bracket. He didn't even notice me enter the room. His dark brows were pinched in concentration. This was his celebration. The rest of the weekend he perused listings, tried to find more information via Google, and narrowed the listing down to three different girls, two of whom were sisters (we want them both).

As I watched his intensity I realized that I whatever I thought the measure of his heart was, and I thought it was huge, I was wrong. It's bigger than I had fathomed. Its funny that we forget our spouses are people, individuals. After, gosh, 12 years of marriage, I had begun to see him as an extension of me. In this moment I came to appreciate him the way I had 12 years ago, only this time with clarity. He is beautiful. Can I say that about a man? A stinky, deep sea diver man? It is true.

He was viewing these three girls as though they were daughters already, I could see it in his intensity. He'd been this way before, with our sons. Whenever the boys need something, be it a toy repaired or medical attention, his entire posture changes. He comes nearly robotic, his brows pinch together and his eyes become fixed. There is no talking to him then, he is mission focused. To see him this direct this energy at POTENTIAL offspring humbled me, and filled me near to bursting.

The adoption has allowed me to see my spouse as a human being! A human being with a mansion of a heart, and an bottomless well of a soul. My wonderment of his beauty has been not re-born, but re-constructed. Because of this journey, and his refusal to be complacent I have seen more of who he is than ever before. I feel incredibly fortunate. His babies (11 and 8 now) are little reflections of the quality of his life. I'll save that entry for later.

So, if I was at mile 5 before, I'm now at like mile 16... where you think "oh shit, this is starting to hurt, and I have 10 more miles! I'm not sure if I can make it." I'm trying to battle those thoughts. The last 5 weeks I have gotten up every morning -alone- to be greeted by a stack of bills I can't pay, and two little boys that need to be educated, loved, and made to feel safe and secure. I've done a damn good job, and those bills are getting paid on Monday!!!!!

For over a month I rallied myself up, sallied forth with my "widow list" I made piles of clean clothes in my bed room, drank out of the milk carton, rented the movies I wanted, read a book, started doing yoga, and blogged more. I've even begun to eat the perfectly balanced diet. I cut out sugars and gluten, and replaced them with fruit and rice. I've done everything I've always wanted to do. Then I started hanging up all of my clothes after I took them off, drinking milk out of a glass, and stopped blogging. To be honest it's gotten really old.

Now, I need a new list. I've done everything on the old one. Unfortunately, and quickly, my brain has compiled this list: I want to smell his BO, I want to leave the toilet paper roll just out of his reach, and hear him say, "damnit Annie". I want to be annoyed by finding a random toenail he forgot to pick up. I want to bitch about wiskers in the sink. I want some one else to discipline the kids, pick out the movie, do the dishes. I want a hug from him. I want to fight with him for leg space on the couch, blankets in bed. I want to hear his voice, it's been a solid two weeks. I feel guilty and thankless when this list invites itself into my head, but that doesn't make me want him less. I can't stand pictures of him today.

My comfort comes from bits of information I glean from his letters, in 5 weeks he's aquired a leadership role, Company Squad leader, and his squad is #1. He's a hoss. I smile when I think of the contortion of his face as he strains to win the challenges he faces... "Affix bayonettes, Company Charge!" I see him leading the way (he won) and I get a moment of relief. I imagine him, chest out, leading the A group on their runs, and I fill with pride. I am so incredibly happy for him. I think about what it says that he's written me at least 3 times a week, and feel incredibly INCREDIBLY signifigant. I try not to think about the distance I feel in what he isn't saying, but I do and it eats at me (I'm not sure how to translate this into a universal language). In every letter he DOES make a point to let me know how he feels about me. That is pretty awesome.

So much like the race, I've got to take it one step at a time... one moment at a time and try not to think too much. I've got to just let it happen. I most definitely need to screen my crowd of spectators. My stride will not easily bounce back from a Cornelius Horan or Jock Semple right now, and I've got to keep on trudgin forward.