My Promise

An American Journalist once asked Mohandas Ghandi a question . The American jouranlist asked Ghandi, "What is your opinion of American civilization?" Ghandi smiled and replied to the American journalist, "I think it would be an excellent idea". Ghandi understood the term "Civilization" in all it's true depth, in a way most American's don't.  Root word Civil: of or pertaining to the people or their benefit.  The one word repeated in the following definitons of civilization is "INTELLECTUAL".civ·i·li·za·tion  (sv-l-zshn) n. 1. An advanced state of intellectual, cultural, and material development in human society, marked by progress in the arts and sciences, the extensive use of record-keeping, including writing, and the appearance of complex political and social institutions. 2. The type of culture and society developed by a particular nation or region or in a particular epoch: Mayan civilization; the civilization of ancient Rome. 3. The act or process of civilizing or reaching a civilized state. 4. Cultural or intellectual refinement; good taste.

I am not content to live between paychecks.  I have mentioned this before, I have no pre-occupation with money or "stuff".  It just isn't on my radar.  SERIOUSLY.  People, living in my head, living between ideas, or worlds, between the me that I am and the me that I'd like to become that is what appeals to me.  Until we joined the Army, I surrounded myself with people that were similar in mind, in that they lived deliberately.  They knew why they did what they did, and they worked to better themselves in their cause.  They are still my friends, though over great distance.  I had a difficult time in school, not living in a world that was "guess jeans" or what ever fad was cool.  To me, even at 11 or 12, that just seemed silly.  The fad would change, but how would I?  This notion I had spared no clique.  The goths and Emos, were just as generic and unoriginal as the jocks and preps.  They were all the same.  All defined by materials.  Not working to find out who they were, but purchasing an identity manufactured by American Eagle, or Hot topic.Seemed like a meaningless pursuit when considering that "materially" we are but a speck in the universe.  By high school I saw most of my classmates as Lemmings chasing fads over the edges of cliffs.  I tried to fit into a prefab box, with no success.  I'm just me I guess, and that just validated what I had already felt, that most people see the "world" as being there to serve them.  I internalized this in a very hostile way, and projected this opinion with hostility as well.  In reality it was just hard for me to know that they were missing out on the inner journey.  They weren't awake, weren't living.  They were existing.  I have journals full of my concern for them.  It was just easier to react with anger than concern.  When I left my home town, I made sure to only "invest" in people that were awakened to LIVING.  In this way I could ignore the wider world, and pretend there was no problem, and protect myself.  When in actuality I just removed myself from the one place where, if I were willing to listen, I might, in return be heard. I might, through love an compassion, effect change.

I see this when most people see...

In the Army I was thrown into the Masses.  No longer able to protect myself from this old feeling of concern.  My ears were no longer deaf. This old "lemming" thing came back to haunt me.  I had been avoiding it, ignoring it.  Animals live between meals.  When they aren't eating, they are hunting for food.  They don't think about how they can grow to become a better hunter, or mother, or father, or friend.  They certainly don't think about the affect of their Consumption, as it is a necessity for them to consume.  How is a human living between purchases any different than an animal?  This is what I wonder.  I consider status to be an illusion we purchase when we buy a car, or a plasma screen tv, or an Ipad, or an Iphone, or whatever is the latest buzz in Advertising.  It's like buying certificate of validation written in invisible ink.  Because next year it will be outdated and we'll have to buy something newer and shinier to get a new certificate.  I of course have a car, I didn't buy it make a statement, I bought it to get me from point a to point b.  I don't care that it has scratched paint, miss matched rims, and looks like a tiny toaster.  I have a small 19 inch TV that I bought in 2004.  I don't have an Ipad, or an Iphone, as those are totally unnecessary.  I buy what I NEED.  I honestly have no idea what the latest technology is.  I am clueless about the latest fashion trends.  Things, to me, are utilitarian.  Yes, my husband and I STILL get teased because of our view of material possessions.  Something I am coming to accept is that not everyone sees the world through my lens, and that I need to grow so I can accept those who lavishly consume and withhold judgement, because I don't understand that world.  I have been hostile towards those that live within this materially preoccupied world so I can validate my own, opposing vision.  Just because I don't understand their lifestyle, or outlook doesn't mean they aren't worthy of my tolerance.  So hard for me, because I am radically opposed consumerism to the point that newly constructed track home neighborhoods make me physically ill.  I have to accept, and listen.

This... "McMansions"

I hope now to give my beautiful flowers, of laughter, encouragement, acceptance, and love to EVERYONE not simply those that share my vision of the world.  I hope also, that in giving my flowers, I will plant seeds that this life is more than existing in an animal like state, more than who did what to who, more than what you have.  It's more than being a robot consumer that is slave to advertising.  This is YOUR life.  This life is what you DO, what you learn, and who you shower love upon.  It's about being people centered, not things centered.  It's about thinking about what you do, and how it effects other people, and the planet.  It is about whether or not you evolve so that you too have beautiful flowers of laughter, encouragement, love, and acceptance to give to others.  It starts with me.  My example of tolerance, love, and acceptance is the voice of my concern.  My hostility would only continue to foster an "us" and "them" attitude.  This isn't high school anymore.  I must be growth I want to see, because a civilization built up on things, and not upon the intellect of it's people is hardly a civilization.  MY PROMISE to those I once called "lemmings", I will listen; my love WILL be enough.  I will make it so...

civ·i·lized  (sv-lzd)

adj.

1. Having a highly developed society and culture.

2. Showing evidence of moral and intellectual advancement; humane, ethical, and reasonable

Birth Right

Shameless stolen from "Marley's Mama"

We have been reading "The Hunger Games" out loud as a family.  It has sort of taken over our lives.  My husband called me on lunch yesterday, "Hunger Games tonight" he said.  He walked in the door just after 4:30, "Ready to read the Hunger Games?"  Oh sure, never mind dinner, homework, or that I've had the flu.  The man has become absorbed.  Alright, maybe he isn't the only one.  Needless to say the boys were up until 9 pm while we finished reading the last 6 chapters of Book one.  We read through the preparation and consumption of our dinner, thanks to my lack of appetite.  We read as we drove the 20 minutes to my car, still at the middle school where I left yesterday because I was too ill to drive myself home.  We read together as the boys prepared for bed.  When we finished the book, my husband picked up the second book and began reading silently to himself and was promptly scolded by the boys and I, "NO CHEATING".   I call this obsession, "Family Reading Night".  I'm not sure how long this will last, but I know that we have two more books, and it will last at least that long.  To the boys, that will be long enough to feel, "permanent".  In their adult memories it will seem like a tradition that always was.  This is how things are measured in, "kid time".

We have "Family Movie Night" too.  It isn't a prescribed weekly event.  It is homemade Pizza, popcorn, Blankets galore, and a movie we all want to watch.  I can't really make that happen EVERY week.  I make that happen when I have a movie we all like in our Instant Que on Netflix, and the energy to make the food.  Again, they will remember this a tradition whether it happens every week, or every couple of weeks.  It happens regularly enough to be a part of our family identity, or at least to be ingrained in them as part of their family's identity, "kid time". This whole "Family Identity" thing didn't happen by accident, or over night for that matter.  It is something I began thinking about shortly after one of my students was shot in a drive by while I student teaching.  Weird?  It's true.

Staring at a spontaneously emptied desk for weeks will really mess with you.  Passing conversations you never intended to remember echo in your mind, "Mrs. G I forgot my homework at my crib." as he bounced from left to right.  "Really?  You sleep in a crib?  My son sleeps in a crib, but he's only 11 months old.  Funny, you seem way too old and far too large to be sleeping in a crib.  To each their own I guess." I smirk teasingly, and he repays me with childish, almost apologetic smile.  Yep, that got me thinking about gangs.  More specifically, about how gangs give kids what they wanted all along; a feeling of belonging.  A clear identity.  Acceptance.  I definitely wanted my kids to get as much of that from ME as possible!  I wasn't worried so much that  they'd run off and join the Crypts or the Bloods so much as I knew that when they were teens they'd start searching.  I wanted to give them a solid pad from which to launch themselves, and a compass, for the search.  It is so hard to navigate the hazards of our teenage years.  Who hasn't floundered a bit.  Those that flounder least have a decent idea of who they are when they enter into that period of life.  I wanted to give them that advantage.  Family identity, and knowing they will also be accepted for who they are are key.

Who needs a water park!

 My sons are stark contrasts to one another.  One is tall and svelte, the other also tall, but brutish in stature.  One is blonde, one Brunette.  One is a dyslexic math whiz, the other a poet that still adds on his fingers.  My Brunette sensitive to the needs of others and almost unaware of his own needs.  My Blonde, well he can tell you exactly how he feels at any given second, but has absolutely no awareness of the feelings or boundaries of others.  Yep, polar opposites.  Family is where they are loved for who they are, and where they find common ground.  I am thankful for the wise priest that told my husband I, "The greatest injustice is treat unequals equally."  In discipline, and communication they are treated according to their needs.  There is no box to fit into at our house, and yet those EVENTS are reoccurring.  I suppose that is how we see family.  

Yep, I started thinking about how I wanted to "define" our family.  Were we the crunchy kind of family?  Were we punk rock?  Were we sporty?  Where did we fit in?  We sorta fit all of those descriptions and more.  This was an evolution, correction.  This IS an evolution.  Honestly, the more our entire family grows in Christ the closer we get to a place were I worry less about manufacturing this, because it happens on it's own.  No, we haven't always exposed our kids to things that I'm proud of, and we have made some mistakes.  Heck, Cooper has almost grown up WITH us.  Everyone makes mistakes, no parent is perfect.  Besides, I don't think a label, like those above, is something I have ever been willing to live "up" too.  How confining.  No, what I think has mattered most is that we spend LOTS of time as a family, PERIOD.  What also matters is that we NEVER, and will never, impose a specific identity on our kids (i.e. "if you don't love football you don't belong" type of identity).  That's what their search is for.  Our job is to give them a compass and a place to feel safe.  That is done based on how we live, what and who we value.  We clearly, unemotionally, communicated to them what we expect of them, what we deem good choices/habits/behaviors, and who are good examples to follow.  We teach them how to chose friends that will benefit them.  We communicate this by LIVING IT.  Funny, the things I couldn't do for myself before them, I can do for myself now, because I'm doing it for them.

We have thrown aside the values of "the world"; status, possessions, and basically the lifestyle most of their peers are familiar with.  I'll be as specific as one paragraph allows.  Only one of us has worked full-time since our first child was born.  My next statement is offensive, it comes from experience this "having it all" idea is a myth.  When both parents work full time the kids suffer, except in very few circumstances where family support is incredibly great and even then I'd debate it.  There is no replacement for Mom or Dad.  I haven't yet met a kid that'd say, "I'd rather have name brand clothes than time with mom and dad".  Or, "I'd rather go to Disney land once a year than have time with my family every day".  Ask them yourself.  

We live on a Cash only basis with the exception of our mortgage (this allowed us the freedom to pick a house in a neighborhood were our kids are safe and surrounded by like minded families).  We don't take extravagant vacations.  We don't go out to eat.  We don't go to the movies, except on special occasions (and then to the budget theater or matinee).  We don't have Cable TV.  My kids get most of their clothes at Goodwill.  We didn't sign them up for sports until they were 10 and 7, and then only a non-competitive soccer league.  While we don't shelter them from alcohol (My husband and I like a beer or two every once in a while), We DO NOT allow people to drink to intoxication in front of them (this seems like a no-brainer, but it wasn't, which is a long story).  WE DO have family dinners nearly every night.  We do hike and camp near home FREQUENTLY.  We do go to Busch Gardens on our ONE annual free "military appreciation" day (Thank you Busch).  We do have fires and roast marshmallows in our backyard.  We do help people in our neighborhood that need it (see a need, fill a need).  We do have 1 tv (well that's a lie, we actually have 4 at the moment, we are storing 3 of them for friends, and can only watch one since we don't have cable).  We do monitor what we watch and listen to when they are around (also something that has evolved and become more stringent as they've gotten older).  We DO tuck them in every night and recap their day.  We DO work, play, pray, eat, laugh, cry, suffer, rejoice, and live TOGETHER.  Profound if you think about it.  You don't have to agree with our tastes to understand our methods.

We gave them life, but their lives are not ours.  We are their teachers, their mentors, the builders of their foundations.  I love them so much.  I want them to be successful BECAUSE of me, not in spite of me.  We need to be available, physically, emotionally, and cognitively in order ensure that.  It was very hard to be honest with myself about what it would take to make that desire a reality.  It is an everyday struggle to die to my own desires in order to give birth to this ONE true desire to build a solid foundation for my sons.  In essence I do give birth to them everyday, everyday until the day they take flight from me.

Surrendering Stinks Sometimes.

It is funny.  I was perfectly okay with this weekend.  Better than I thought I'd be actually.  The Olympic Trials were a touchstone in my surrendering the life of an elite distance runner to devote myself to motherhood.  Before and during the race I was content to live vicariously through my friends.  When it was over and I looked through the results I broke down, not because my former running/training partners did so well (placing: 2, 9, 13, 26, 33, and 74th) .  Heck no, I am incredibly proud of them!  I got upset for a completely different reason.  Well, sort of.

I have to give a little background.  Christmas of 2008 I secretly looked into the World Class Athlete Program offered by the Army.  I knew I could get paid to train, and get great benefits for the family.  If I went through Basic Training and AIT I would then be allowed to train freely at the location of my choosing.  I thought I met the requirements, which at that time were to have placed in the top 3 at a national competition within the last 2 years. When I inquired I was told I in fact did not qualify because the national competition was not an Olympic Distance (It was a 25k).  Not long after that Casey came to me with his dream of joining the Army, so I didn't pursue it further.  I wasn't going to have both parents gone at basic training and AIT.  That seemed really selfish.   They have since changed the requirements to make them more black and white.  I feel the Marathon standard is still totally within my limits if I were to train again.  Now back to the results.

I saw, in the top 25, not one but two women running for the US Army W.C.A.P.  Neither of them were better runners than myself.  They were granted entrance into the program around the same time I inquired and neither of them were within 3 minutes of any of my PR's at the time.   Because I like to torture myself I researched, and found that neither woman currently on the team made the standard before being admitted.  However, they were career soldiers FIRST, then applied (not comforting to me though due to smugness I often experience on the part of female soldiers).  At this point the faster one has  PR's in the 10k and Half Marathon that are actually a just under a minute slower than mine, but a 15k PR that is faster than mine.  We are comparable runners I suppose.  The second still isn't even close to my PR's.  So then, I wanted to know WHY NOT ME!  I felt myself burn with anger and resentment.  I stiffened involuntarily, feeling as though I'd been cheated out of what rightfully belonged to me.

I silently slumped about the house all morning.  "Annie, is there coffee?" "I dunno.  Do you still have legs?  Go look."  If Casey came downstairs I went upstairs.  If he came up I went down.  We normally talk and drink coffee all morning on Saturday and Sunday.  I wanted to punch him and those two stupid girls right in the face.  I was seriously ready to ramp up my training to show up at the Army 10 miler in a cheesy "Army Wife" T-shirt and kick their asses.  Show them whose boss.  Show them how undeserving they were.  Exactly the attitude I have worked so hard to recover from.

Of course Casey wanted to know what was wrong.  I told him.  Of course his response was insensitive, "I gave it (a promising athletic career) all up too.  I moved on."  In all fairness "giving it up" isn't the same as "losing it".  Power events (high jump) and distance events are very different in this way.  "At any moment honey, I can pick it back up and be back where I was in a year or so.  It isn't the same."  Crying hysterically at this point, which makes him totally uncomfortable because I don't do this often.  He shifts his weight every 2 seconds and keeps his arms locked to his sides in terror that I might try to cling on.  In a Hank Hill to Luanne tone he asks, "Annie, seriously, how many dead ends are you gonna hit before you get God's point?  Have you prayed?"  Okay, so while this is totally correct, it may not have been the best timing ever.  Left hook much?

I didn't hit my husband.  I didn't even yell at him, even though I really wanted to.  I knew he was right.  It wasn't meant to be.  Those women WEREN'T undeserving at all.  I was being a jerk.  I have said several times that Pride and Vanity are huge issues for me, Vengeance too I suppose.  I am doing what I have been called to do.  I don't always like it.  In fact sometimes I down right want to scream at God that he made a mistake, throw myself down arms and legs in every direction, and demand to have my way.  Luckily, within minutes some one or something enlightens me as to my assholish ways and then I find strength to admit that I am wrong.

Enjoyed this day and ran w/o an ego.  The following year I had a huge ego.  

Tonight at Mass, as I prayed, I envisioned myself running a race.  I was near the front of the pack chasing down this woman.  I was filled with the "I'm gonna show you whose boss" feeling.  I looked to the spectators and saw Jesus.  His shoulders slouched, head hanging and shaking in disappointment and sadness.  Then I envisioned myself again running a race.  This time I had no idea where I was in the pack.  I was filled with joy.  I noticed the way the light filtered through the leaves, they way their greens contrasted against a bright blue sky.  I noticed the festive colors of the finish area and Jesus behind the finish line excitedly waving me in.  His arms WIDE open waiting to wrap me up after I finished.  I actually have had both race experiences in real life, minus Jesus being there in person of course.  I realized it's the same Jesus, but different me's.  It is my choice.  I can use my talents or abuse them.  In using them they help others and myself.  "Do nothing out of selfishness or out of vainglory..." Phillipians 2:3  Until I can run with that verse in my heart I will not "train" or compete.  I would just make it all about me, and everyone around me would suffer.  Not to mention the demands of being a military wife with 2 school age children are preventative enough in their own right.  I have made the right choice.  I feel confirmed that I am following God's will for me and my family.  Though I still have days when it is hard to be at peace with it.

What makes me "approve" of a public school

Today I subbed in my favorite middle school in our district.  It is the one school I WOULD send Cooper too.  Why would I send him to this school and not the one we're zoned for?  What is it about this school that I like?  It isn't test scores.  It isn't that it is a new facility.  There is a middle school that was built and opened within the last year in the district, this isn't it.  No, it isn't the facility, it is the faculty and administration.

Here's the dirty little secret that test scores don't accurately communicate, not everyone with a teacher's license is actually invested in their students, or education.  How, then, can you know when a school is staffed with effective and invested staff?  I have found only one way.  You must be a part of the school.

There are clear markers that are obvious to a trained eye.  The big one for me is student conduct.  Teachers that care about kids set clear expectations and are consistent in enforcing them.  To me a teacher that does this for academics does this also for behavior.  There is a sense that students are following the rules, not out of fear but out of respect.  It's about the small things.  Even the best teachers can't enforce their expectations if their hands are tied. Time to be specific already!

I like that this school has the kids wear uniforms.  School is about learning.  Clothing can be very divisive, and distracting.  Uniforms take the head ache out of enforcing dress code policies.  Schools that wear uniforms generally yield higher academic performance.  The uniform debate could be it's own post, so you'll just have to take my word for it (research it for yourself), that a school that enforces a uniform code will usually be better than one that doesn't.  While uniforms are a sign that, "We take this school thing seriously", they definitely aren't everything.

Here is the heavy hitter; the administration supports it's staff, they are "teacher centered".  During a long term position (at this same school) I had to break up a mild girl fight.  The principal was quick to thank me, and swift in dealing with the girls.  He was compassionate and fair with both of them.  A week later I was enforcing a new school-wide rule that only clear liquids could be drank in classrooms, and only out of clear containers when a student acted defiantly towards me.  After several warnings, I wrote a referral on the spot.  The principal called his parents FOR me, and gave the student an in school suspension.  Amazing!  Administrative support!  I'll support HIS rules (school wide rules) in the future.  If I see misconduct in the hall I WILL speak out, because I know I WILL be supported.

To me that means everything.  If the students know that the Administration is going to back up their teachers they will respect classroom rules.  When classroom rules are respected teacher's can teach and students can learn.  When teachers have this type of support they reinforce school rules.  When school rules are reinforced there is a sense of cohesion among the teachers and between faculty and administration, and a safer school is born.  Safe schools allow distraction free learning environments.  Students pick up on this cohesion and not only give up on trying to undermine authority, but also learn from the example set by  the adults and there is more amicability among student peer groups.  Hallways are freer of fights and trash.  Classroom time is focused and more productive.  One word; RESPECT.

The school my son would have to go to (not a school of choice state) is riddled with chaos and dissension.  Students swear and dump their trash in the halls and no one admonishes them.  They openly belittle each other in front of staff that then does nothing.  Recently, 4 girls beat another girl unconscious during lunch.  Where were the adults, perhaps afraid of getting in trouble for intervening?  Yes, that's a possibility.  It's happened to me before (an administrator more worried about a law suit than the students).  When I subbed there I had 6th graders actually say these things, "you can't make me", "who do you think you are", and "be patient" when I asked them to "please open your books".  Those that know me personally know that I am gregarious and friendly.  I was treating these kids with respect and using a bubbly tone.  Maybe this isn't important, but this was a Ph.D's classroom I was subbing in.  Typically a student behaves in this manner when they've learned their teacher's disciplinary measures don't have any weight.  At this same school a student was running in the hall, I told him to stop.  He looked back at me, and then didn't even slow down.  The other teachers in the hall looked at me like I had a third eye.  I don't want to teach there, so why would I let my kids go there to learn?

Give me a school that has clearly defined expectations, staff that is supported by it's administration, and a has a school wide commitment to student learning.  Do I think uniforms can do this?  No.  I think uniforms are a part of this, but Administrative support is at the core of a good school.  Unfortunately, most parents aren't going to know if a Principal is supporting his teachers or not.  I've taught with supportive administrators, and administrators that undermined me every chance they got.  It's a simple equation.  Administrators that are teacher centered have teachers that are student centered and students succeed.

School I like here.  Notice the year the administrator came back after 2 years at a different school in the district discipline took a sharp turn for the better, and test scores improved slightly.  School I don't like here.  Notice the steady increase in disciplinary problems, and that the test scores are slightly lower than the other school, with a slight decline in 2 of 4 categories in the last 2 years.  It isn't everything, but it's a piece of the puzzle.  If anything the school disciplinary report speaks more honestly to the quality of the school than the academic test scores.

Profile of learner, what this means for my kid.

These are Cooper's results for his multiple intelligence test, excuse the formatting, I didn't know how to transfer it properly.  If anyone knows how to do this they can tell me in the comments!  While being "social" isn't important to him, nor is collaborative learning, he did say, "I do wonder, if no one else has to learn this why do I?"  This attitude is why my traditional setting was such a source of friction for us the first time around.  Given the results, I wonder if this attitude wasn't manufactured by traditional school structure (grades, etc.).  That doesn't mean this is a good or bad attitude.  I am just not subscribed to the belief that it's inherent within Cooper, and I wonder what relationship this attitude has with his learning.  He loves to learning when he picks the material, but if anyone else picks the material this attitude of why should I kicks in.  I think, at this point, that the type of homeschool parents my husband and I are fits nicely for Cooper's needs.  We'd pick the objectives, and he'd pick the material.  He wouldn't have the "why should I attitude" because of his ownership of his own learning.  After all, we don't think "why should I" when we, as adults, decide we WANT to learn a new language, or how to knit, or how to garden.  The fact is, that he doesn't need other PEOPLE around him in order to learn (there are folks that do), but in order to motivate him to learn things he has BEEN MANDATED to learn.  No one MADE him read "Universe in a Nutshell", certainly none of the other kids in his class were doing that in their free time.  He did it because he wanted to.  So, in effect the "other kids" serve to make him feel as though he isn't the only one being forced to something he finds pointless, and annoying.  Lovely.  More information is still needed.  

Your top three intelligences: Intelligence Score (5.0 is highest) Description 4.71 Spatial: You remember things visually, including exact sizes and shapes of objects. You like posters, charts, and graphics. You like any kind of visual clues. You enjoy drawing. Effective techniques of enhancing your learning using your spatial intelligence include creating and/or using pictures, maps, diagrams, and graphs as you learn things. Other suggestions: Write a language experience story and then illustrate it. Color code words so each syllable is a different color. Write a word on the blackboard with a wet finger. Visualize the word as it disappears. See if you can spell it afterwards. Take a survey. Put the information in a chart. Write words vertically. Cut out words from a magazine and use them in a letter. Visualize spelling words. Use colorful newspapers like USA Today. Use crossword puzzles. 4.57 Body Movement: You like to move, dance, wiggle, walk, and swim. You are likely good at sports, and you have good fine motor skills. You may enjoy taking things apart and putting them back together. Incorporating body movement into your learning will help you process and retain information better. Here are some ideas. Trace letters and words on each other's back. Use magnetic letters, letter blocks, or letters on index cards to spell words. Take a walk while discussing a story or gathering ideas for a story. Make pipe cleaner letters. Form letters out of bread dough. After you shape your letters, bake them and eat them! Use your whole arm (extend without bending your elbow) to write letters and words in the air. Change the place where you write and use different kinds of tools to write, ie., typewriter, computer, blackboard, or large pieces of paper. Write on a mirror with lipstick or soap. Take a walk and read all the words you find during the walk. Handle a Koosh ball or a worry stone during a study session. Take a break and do a cross-lateral walk. 4.14 Musical: You like the rhythm and sound of language. You like poems, songs, and jingles. You enjoy humming or singing along with music. You probably remember things well when they are associated with music or rhythm. Try to incorporate sounds into your lessons, such as using a familiar tune, song, or rap beat to teach spelling rules, or to remember words in a series for a test. Here are some other ways to use your musical intelligence: Create a poem with an emphasis on certain sounds for pronunciation. Clap out or walk out the sounds of syllables. Read together (choral reading) to work on fluency and intonation. Read a story with great emotion — sad, then happy, then angry. Talk about what changes — is it only tone? Work with words that sound like what they mean (onomatopoeia). For example: sizzle, cuckoo, smash. Read lyrics to music. Use music as background while reviewing and for helping to remember new material. Use rhymes to remember spelling rules, i.e., "I before E except after C." The scores for your other five intelligences: 3.86 3.14 3.14 3 2.86 Just because these five are not in your top three doesn’t mean you’re not strong in them. If your average score for any intelligence is above three, you’re probably using that intelligence quite often to help you learn. Take a look at the Practice section to see how to engage all your intelligences.

Homeschool debate

My husband and I have decided to have several conversations in which we EQUALLY weigh the pros and cons of homeschooling against the pros and cons of public school.  We have several questions we want to discuss.  Each child would require their own unique conversation, and we would take into account that while I am the licensed educator, we would both be active participating FACILITATORS if our children were to be homeschooled.

1.) What do we hope our children will get out of public school. (Why do we send them)
Once this question is answered we will weigh the value of this answer against this question
2.) What do we fear they won't get out of public school, or what do we fear will be negative about the public school experience in the context of their futures.
3.) What do we believe our children would get of homeschooling?
Once this question is answered we'd have to ask
4.) What experiences do we fear our children wouldn't get as homeschoolers, how would the homeschool experience fit into the context of their futures?

This is the nitty gritty part of the conversation.  We'd have to weigh the answers of number 1 against number 2 and then weigh the answer of number 3 against number 4 too see the pay outs.  In the end see which is the most logical.  They both have pros and cons.  Our kids WILL learn in each environment.  It's a matter of seeing which environment will BEST allow them to learn the MOST, with the least amount of negative "side effects"; based on each child's individual needs and learning styles.  We will work hard to keep each other honest and objective by playing devil's advocate.  I'm glad that we've homeschooled them for their religious education, and that I homeschooled them for their regular education (both unschooled and traditional settings).  It will make things easier.

I'll keep everyone updated.  I think this a very valid discussion that more people should have.  It's a part of parenting deliberately.  At this point we know this much.  If we do homeschool we aren't radical unschoolers.  It's not that I completely disagree with this (more here), I just don't think I can undo my "teacher" mindset, and the state of Virginia requires that homeschool students pass their state test based on their state standards.  Not to mention, adults are expected to meet objectives and dead lines.  It is my responsibility to teach my children to do the same.  We'd still be facilitators, but we'd present objectives that are to be met through inquiry based learning.  Defining who you'd be as homeschool parents is definitely the first step.  Read, search, and find your truth.  The next most important thing to know is who your child is.  What is their learning style (free test here take this with your child, you will need to interpret some of the questions for them, be sure to let THEM pick their answers.  Do not manipulate their answers.  It is based on their perceptions and not yours.), and what are their needs?  Not every kid was made for homeschooling, and not every kid is cut out for traditional schooling either (can you say Einstein or Edison).

All the Small Things...

I have a lot going on in my head today.  I could probably write 3 or 4 posts.  Perhaps I will.  For now I'll keep it simple.  My husband and I are are resolved to see to the little things this year.  Little things like, making the bed, keeping up with the dishes, brushing our teeth, making healthier choices.  How mundane.  Yes, Annie this is where your life is.  How necessary.  If I can't master these little things how am I supposed to move on to bigger things?  I find it very hard to tend to the mundane details of life.  I love my interior journey, and helping my kids develop.  I loath routine, it takes away from my thinking, but if I'm actually going to develop into a more "whole" person I have to get out of the comfort zone.  How am I supposed to give the boys opportunities for selfless service if I can't remember to call charities, let alone show up.  Neither of my kids have been through first communion because we do religious education at home and I can't remember to sign them up for Religious Education after Mass on Sunday.  It's not on my Radar, the homily is.

Will and I. An old collage I made.  A statement on my way of "being"

It takes way more effort and energy for me to establish a routine and see to tasks of everyday life than it seems to take other people.  I have a planner.  If I don't write an appointment down in that planner it doesn't happen.  I don't think I could survive a week in the "real" world without it.  I even have to write down things like, "go to the grocery store", "call your family", "put on deodorant", and "drink more water".  I see other mothers effortlessly keeping appointments, looking very "together", while I struggle to keep up.  In fact, I get my hair styled so that I don't have to comb it and it will still look great.  If I had longer hair the world would surely know my secret.  I have baskets and drawers in my house so that I can literally throw things in them, close them and my house will still look neat.  Note to friends, beware before opening ANYTHING up in my house, I am not responsible for any injuries that may occur.  I often wear mismatched socks.  I don't care if they match so long as they serve their purpose.  Luckily it's a fad right now.  I really try hard to look "good" when going out in public with the "guys" in my life, but if the folks we encountered followed us home they'd find a slightly different story.  Don't get me wrong I love to get dressed up and be shown off, and this is true of everyone to an extent.  I just bet they'd be surprised at what they'd find in my dresser drawers. (One day I brought the boys into our bedroom, opened drawers on either side of the dresser.  One side was neatly folded and organized; the other side looked like a few families of mice had been nesting in it for a decade or two.  I said, "Which side is Dad's?"  They both pointed to the organized side, and started laughing.)

I'm not going to try to change who I am, fundamentally as a person.  I just want to show myself a little respect, and to be a little more "with it" for my family.  I want to practice being present in the now, instead of far away in my mind.  So this year, I am going to attempt to be a little more grounded in tending to daily tasks.  I plan only on changing those things which will make me healthier, and more "responsible".  Even if I have to make charts of charts in order to keep on it.  Good luck to me.

Ghandi

Whoa, 3 entries in one day!  Holy smokes!  My husband and sons are working on a construction project and I actually have some real time to dump my thoughts!  I have a thing for Ghandi.  I have mentioned it before on this blog.  One of my favorite quotes on Christianity comes from him, " I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ."  I think I love this quote because I can totally identify with it.  In a previous post I mentioned rejecting people that didn't accept my values.  There could be some self-identified Christians in that group.  It is important to note that in my vernacular, "reject" is NOT synonymous with "condemn".  I simply mean that I won't share my private time with them, but I will still show them love as best I can.


I think one of my stumbling blocks with finally owning my faith was that I felt I wasn't perfect enough to be Christian on the one hand, and I knew too many Christians that were flat out jerks that told me I wasn't good enough, or living righteously enough on the other.  Because of this I felt unworthy of Christ, like an ugly duckling and I my feelings were only being reinforced by people that should've been accepting and supporting me.  Talk about confusing.  I didn't and don't want to be associated with people that were and are so mean.  I want to be careful to not morph, accidentally, into a self-righteous jerk.  To prevent this I will be selective in who I let "into my head".


On the other hand I have known many people that don't yet know what they believe, or don't believe that Jesus is Christ, or don't believe in God for that matter.  I will always keep these people in my life, so long as they continue to accept me.  Why?  Because they live like Christ even if they don't share my faith in him.  I would rather have a friend that accepts me, and lives a life style in keeping  with my own, that will encourage me even if they don't agree with me.  They will rejuvenate me and enrich my life more than a self-identified Christian trying to pick, "a log out of their neighbors eye".  Even if they don't want to admit it, these friends of mine are more Christ like than the droves of Christians that actually drove me from Christ.


I have also been lucky enough to have plenty of Christian Friends that have given me strength to own my faith.  Friends that don't just have a bumper sticker relationship with Christianity, but they actually live the life a Christian is called to live.  Without those types of friends I would not be able to write this blog at all.  But, it's those friendships in which we disagree on fundamentals and yet can still get support, that Christ's love, as Ghandi would see it, is embodied.  So in short, faith Christ isn't my determining factor in who to include in my life, and my children's lives, but life styl, and willingness to support my faith in Christ is.  If one looks outwardly for the truth, and inward to judge we will most likely get along.  No one is perfect, most definitely not me.  I have chosen to live a life-style that actively rejects what the world embraces, and will surround myself with people who do the same.  You don't have to be a Christian to do that, but I need strength from Christ to become better than who I am, and to weather the criticism of the world that I am actively rejecting.  Why we are doing it may be the core difference in our values, and yet matters least in how we treat one another.  Behaviors, not beliefs is what matters most to me.


Religion, Spirituality, is a journey EACH ONE OF US takes.  We all seek answers to the same questions.  Some of us actively seek out answers, reading and researching for answers.  I, like Lee Strobel, took the journey and came to one conclusion.  Other's take the journey and come to yet another conclusion.  Some keep the journey locked within themselves never looking openly for answers, and never finding them.  No matter what another human's journey is, it is their's and not mine.  Who am I to tell them what they should do, where they should go.  It is simply my job to love them, and most of the time I fail them.  My job is to judge inward, not outward, so that I might love them better.  Really none of us knows (intellectually) the truth about much of anything.  Faith is something you can't know intellectually at all anyway.  It is something you live.  The rest of it is just a bramble of formalities many people get caught up in.  


I will discuss Aristotle's Nicomachean Ethics in a different post.  Reading his outlook on friendship and virtue really helped me navigate my way through this conundrum.  

To Homeschool or Not to Homeschool

I am a teacher.  I am an educational advocate.  While I know the system is broken, I still believe in it's ability to work.  Even if it means kicking, and banging on it from time to time.  I have homeschooled my sons once before.  For one semester.  They were in a really horrible school, even though it was a "blue ribbon" school with decent test scores.  Test scores mean nothing by the way.  My youngest son was in first grade, couldn't write his last name, and wasn't learning to read AT ALL.  My oldest son, who suffered a huge academic loss due to poor teaching in first grade, was in the first 3rd grade class in this district to try a rotating schedule.  All current research says that rotating schedules actually impede learning until children reach the age of about 10 or 11 (5th grade), because they aren't yet developmentally prepared to deal with multiple teachers and multiple classroom settings.  I pulled them out because I felt it was a one time emergency type situation.  I had already advocated on their behalf starting with the teachers, and eventually working my way up to the school board.  I presented all of them with research (for my oldest son), and educational law (for my youngest son).  Nothing changed.  I was left with no other option but to use my skills solely for their benefit.

It worked out wonderfully academically speaking.  My oldest son not only regained the lost learning, he went into 4th grade (in a different state) reading 2 grade levels ahead.  My youngest son not only learned to read, he learned to write and did both on grade level when he entered 2nd grade.  By the way, we ended our "school year" in April.  I also found out my youngest son  is dyslexic.  However, (here's the "but") it made me a basket case.  Granted my husband was gone that entire time (Army).  I was totally alone with my kids, 24 hours a day for 6 months.  I didn't get a single minute away from them.  On top of that my oldest had already learned the worst lesson public education teaches (I know because I had to unteach it to my classes every year); if I wait long enough the teacher will give me the answers.  When that didn't happen my son did what my classes usually do, he whined.  Problem is he was my kid.  He didn't stop after a few days because he knew I wasn't going to give.  Heck no.  He kept at it the entire 6 months hoping "mom" would cave in.  He should know me better than that.  I was very happy to see them re-enroll into public school.  We definitely needed a break from each other.

I still function under the belief that if I supplement their weak spots, have a close working relationship with their teachers, use the law to advocate for them, teach them metacognition, and to self-advocate they can succeed in public school; and that the school will be better because it will have a KNOWLEDGEABLE parent making it be accountable. After a few long term substitute teacher jobs I am beginning to doubt that.  I still think a school would benefit from having our family be a part of it, I'm just doubting that our family would see any return benefit.  Even the "intensified" English classes that I taught lack CRUCIAL skills.  While they could rattle off elements of a short story, vocabulary definitions, author biographical information, they couldn't tell me what the main idea was, or the theme.  They couldn't tell me cause and effect or problem - solution.  The few that could tell me the theme couldn't support their answer with details from the text, not a single 8th grade intensified student could do that.  They can't think.  They can't problem solve.  They can't really communicate their ideas.  They function only in the lower 2 levels of Bloom's Taxonomy.  It isn't just here, I've seen it consistently in 5 states now.  This observation is validated with actual statistics.  More than half of college freshman have to take remediated English courses.

How are these kids supposed to manage college or working, let alone living.  A teen that can't manage causal relationships is in a dangerous situation.  Not to mention how are these students supposed to succeed in other subjects like science and social studies?

The U.S. Military provides families with something called "Soar at Home".  It's basically an online school with courses in math and language arts based on state standards.  I gave each of the boys an evaluation this winter break to check on their skills.  My 5th grader got 80% correct in math, and 77% in language arts.  He got 0% right in the sections for "supporting details", "cause and effect", and "problem-solution".  I was nearly enraged.  It isn't his fault, it isn't his teacher's fault.  These things simply aren't being taught.  They take too much time to grade, and are only a small portion of the "TEST".  If a teacher has to chose between a student passing the test and a student learning to think, which will they chose?  Since there are so many kids they teach to the mean, which means assuming kids won't have luxury of learning to think.  My 2nd grader got a 60% in Language Arts (learning disability so not too bad.  I didn't read it to him), and 45% in math.  WHAT! Math is his strong suit.

So now I'm debating my sanity vs their education.  I have the skill set, and the tool kit necessary to ensure they succeed academically.  I can either spend from 4-5pm doing school homework and 5-7 pm catching them up on what they aren't learning at school, or I can homeschool them.  Seems like a no brainer, but it seriously makes me a crazy person when I don't get any alone time.  Not to mention I can't work at all.  Jury is out.  If I did homeschool, I am thinking it would only be during Middle School.  I really think that Middle School is the make or break academic time for kids.

getting off the fence

Determining the world I wanted my sons to see was the easy part.  I wanted them to live simply. To listen more than they speak.  To be humble.  I wanted them to question their own motives and desires, as well as those of the people they encounter.  I wanted them to see the world as a place in which they are alien citizen who have the responsibility to do good to others and the planet itself.  I wanted them to follow Christs example, because one thing EVERYONE can agree on is that he was an awesome dude, that did great things.  However, manufacturing that vision to their minds eye, is another story entirely.

I have failed many times over at teaching them this, at being an example to them.  I have said before on this site that it was difficult for me to know the line between providing for my sons, and making them slaves to the expectations of a materialistic society.  Every parent wants to provide their child with the things that will save them from being the social outsider at their school.  While I have still failed to master this concept, of all of my responsibilities as "PARENT" I have succeed most in this area.  Sad, huh.  I have succeed in teaching them vision, but not in teaching them how to live within it.  I have built the blue print, but not a users guide.

The husband and I have done a great job of discouraging participation in clothing and toy fads.  While we have bought our share of Bakugan, Hex bugs, and BeyBlades, clothing is a different matter.  The boys wear polo t-shirts, and jeans to school.  They prefer to dress this way.  They say it makes them feel good about themselves, and keeps them from attracting unwanted associations as to their character and preferences (at least so far.  Junior High will be a different story next year).  So while we've done a great job of not buying labels, shopping at thrift stores, and teaching our children to not want material possessions, we have failed to teach them that unwanted associations and judgments are a part of life.  I'm sure next year will give us plenty of opportunities with Cooper who will be entering 6th grade.

I think the thing I struggle with the most is dealing with persecution for my associations and values.  I keep my beliefs, and values pretty close to me, and do not carry them with me outside of my own home, unless I'm going to church.  What does this teach them?  I don't care what your beliefs are, if you only value them and practice them at home, that teaches your kids that they are conditional.  That what you truly value is blending in.  


As the boys are getting older it is becoming more and more critical that I have no fear in advertising my beliefs, regardless of the  consequences.  It becomes critical that I LIVE my beliefs as a verb, and not keep them only in my heart.  What I have been doing is no different than people who put a yellow, "Support our troops" magnet on their car and leave it at that.  They do not actually support our troops.  A magnet doesn't do it.  Sacrifice, volunteering time, talents, or funds to that cause would be supporting their troops.  I have had a sticker relationship with my values for far too long now.  How are the boys supposed to live in opposition to what the world values, if I won't?  

I had my children young.  Perhaps that's not an excuse.  I still need my excuses I suppose.  While they were young I was struggling with who to be in the world myself.  I couldn't manufacture a vision for someone else by any means.  I couldn't own my beliefs.  I wanted my belief in Christ to be just our secret.  It was good enough, right?  Christ knew I loved him in my heart.  Now I see that this is no different than never showing my love to my husband and just assuming he knows how I feel.  If I never hugged him, never honored his wishes, never performed acts of kindness for him, never owned up to being married, and acted single when I was with single people.  Pretty sure that would devastate my Mr. and eventually lead to a divorce.

Loving Christ means that the world will persecute me.  It means that I will be rejected.  I have a serious fear of being rejected.  I have not always done the greatest job of filling up my daily life with people that won't reject (rejecting and disagreeing are two incredibly different things to me I will explain in a later post) my beliefs, and because of that I haven't had the support I needed to weather rejection... a catch 22.  A catch 22 trap I built around myself because of the circles I allowed us to travel.  It's a choice.  A choice that requires me to reject the social invitations of others.  I hate rejecting people more than I hate to be rejected.  I have struggled with the bible telling us, "Bring not every man into your house for many are the snares of the crafty one... If you do good, know for whom you are doing it, and your kindness will have it's effect.  Give to the good man, refuse the sinner." (Sirach 11:29-30, and 12:1-7) and Jesus telling us to forgive 70x7, to love our neighbor, and "what you do to the least of men you do unto me".   I find the good in everyone I meet so this seeming contradiction has really been hard for me.  As my Mr. says I, "view the world through rose colored glasses, and find a bit of (myself) in absolutely everyone."  For me rejecting someone else is a bit like rejecting a part of myself.

Having kids means you will encounter a spectrum of people, perhaps more closely than not.  When you don't have kids you can control the circles in which you travel a bit more.  You don't have to go to soccer games, wrestling matches, school functions.  Since, I find the good in pretty much everyone I meet when a person invites my family to do something I say "yes" without even weighing the possibilities.   I think I have finally, and hopefully not too late, figured this out.  This part of my fabrication for the boys has been the hardest.  As they have started making friends, and because of our time in the military, I have learned that this isn't a contradiction.  It means to be very choosy with those people you call close friends.  The majority of our time is spent among all people.  We are to treat them lovingly, compassionately and with forgiveness.  When you are at work and a co-worker (or mom at the playground) takes a caddy jab at your performance (parenting), when you get cut off in traffic, when someone at the store blocks the aisle; you do not react in anger, but in compassion.  We are to be "light in the darkness", a smile among grumps even if we have EVERY right to be grumpy too.  A super human feat called grace.

Your social time is your time.  It is limited and precious.  Most importantly you get to chose who to spend it with.  It is during this time that you pick only those that support your belief.  If we are truly going to have the strength to live out our beliefs, to be counter-cultural, this time needs to be shared only with those that will encourage us, support us, and allow us to feel mainstream even if only for a short time.  So that we have the energy and peace to again go out into the world and walk up the down escalator with a smile on our face.

I have failed my sons, until now, in how to live this.  If I continue to make the same mistakes they will not understand that peer pressure happens, it never stops happening, and that it their responsibility to weather it without caving in.  That standing up for what you believe in isn't the same as rejecting others.  Scientific research proves that doing good for others rejuvenates our bodies at the cellular level to repair damage done by stress of day to day life.  After all, true inner happiness comes not from doing good for ourselves, but in being good to others.  Their only example of how to live actively will come from home.  I am responsible for constructing this reality, and it's user guide, for them through my actions, through my life.  

follow up to "Why I stopped training..."

In hindsight I realize that my last post could be easily misread.  The epiphany I had in 2010 was summed up best, by another mother having a similar awakening.  She said, "I realized I am not my child's babysitter.  I am her parent".  Meaning, that she wasn't only responsible for ensuring her child's needs are met, and she is kept safe, but that as a PARENT we are RESPONSIBLE for the emotional, spiritual, and intellectual development of our children.

In 2010 I realized that my children will experience the world through me, through my ACTIONS.  Doing justice to their little souls and minds would mean parenting DELIBERATELY.  It takes a heck of a lot of energy and focus to be intentional in your parenting.  First, you have to decide how you want them to SEE the world, then you have to figure out what it will take to show them that world.  Finally, you have to actually deliver whatever it will take CONSISTENTLY.  It means devoting time to activities for them so that they can attain autonomy and self actualization.  It means teaching them humility (NO FUN).  It means basically, that you weigh what you want for yourself against what they need in order to develop into the humans they deserve to be, and you do it constantly.

So in short, I decided I wanted to be more than my child's babysitter.  I wanted to be more than a nice mom that kissed booboo's, made dinners, and made them take baths.  I didn't want to "bring them up", I want to "raise them".  I wanted to PARENT.  This doesn't mean I can't ever run or workout.  It doesn't mean I can't work a job.  It means that in any decision I make I put their DEVELOPMENT first.  I ask, "What will this teach them", and "Will they benefit" ALL THE TIME.  The older they get, the more complicated things become.  That is why I won't train to compete at a high level.

I think that being raised, myself, with the world view of the vocations made it easier for me to not only surrender my selfish ambitions, and "die unto myself"; it made it easier to throw myself head long into my "vocation" with a happy heart.  See, I author their world view as all parents do for all children.  I wanted to author it deliberately, AND give them the tools to navigate their way through the quagmire that WILL find them when the world view I author for them is challenged as they get older.  When that happens, I need to have the strength, and devotion, to support them and be a "safe" place regardless of the path they ultimately chose for themselves.  I must have the "emotional real estate" to change to meet their needs.

To continue to train would mean that while my kids would be well dressed, well groomed, and well mannered their substance and world view would be manufactured by TV, friends, and my haphazard actions.  My weekends would be spent, not with them going to their activities and spending time doing things together that shape them, but at my races or with me absent (this fact became much more urgent when they both started school, as weekends were really our only time together).  My mind wouldn't be preoccupied with thoughts and reflections on/about my own parenting, but about my training.  I definitely wouldn't be forcing myself to take self-inventories in order to develop into a selfless person capable of unconditionally loving my kids, and others.  What would that life teach them?  Probably that things and honors are more important than relationships.  It probably wouldn't teach them to inventory themselves.

Casey and I brought two tiny little souls into this world.  He and I have an obligation to this world to ensure that those two little souls are accepting, loving, tolerant, and well educated.  In a world that doesn't value those qualities it means I cannot just put on auto-pilot and expect to end up with kids that have the strength to live in defiance of the values of our society.

Why I stopped competing/training

I need to give a bit of background and a qualifier or two. First, this is a rendering of my journey, not a universal truth that adheres to everyone. Second, I am Catholic. While even I thought this had little to do with my decision, in hindsight it is a heavy hitter in the process.

When I found out I was pregnant with Cooper I was 21, a senior in College, engaged to Casey, Captain and number 1 runner at Indiana State University. When I made the decision to keep our baby I put little thought into the Catholic Vocations. There are three of them, three paths or purposes to life; Religious Life (being a Nun, Priest, or Monk), Single Life (in which you are a missionary carrying out tasks too laborious and time consuming for a family person or Parish Priest), or Married Life. This will sound archaic, which is precisely why I put little thought into it, but if you chose Married Life as your "vocation" you are to devote yourself wholly to raising your children and to your marriage. The idea being that this is the path that will allow you to walk more closely with Christ through your sacrifices, hard work, and you will be a missionary of sorts to your children. I don't know about you, but the idea of two seperate people working to become one spirit in Christ is daunting.  That's one purpose of Marriage within the Catholic Church.  It's hard enough for two seperate people to agree a single paint color, let alone become one spirit!  Being 21 and pregnant I pretty much only thought about the fact that a.) I wouldn't fit in my wedding dress, and b.) I won't let this end my running career.

Fast Forward 8 years. It's the 2008 Chicago Marathon. I am at the elite starting line along side many World Class Runners, only 3 of whom have children at all and yet I have 2. I put in many many miles to get here. I ran until I was too tired to do anything but spend the afternoon on the couch while my sons watched T.V.. I saw Casey and the boys on the sidelines in their "Go Mom" t-shirts, and I began to wonder, is this my path? Is this really where I belong?

I flashed back to a snowy Sunday morning. I was 5 miles into a long run when one of the gym's daycare workers came rushing across the expansive gym. I was more annoyed than worried when she stopped at my machine. "Mrs. Gasway? We need you to come right away." When I got to the daycare room I saw Cooper covered in blood. Will (5) had slammed Cooper's (8) face off the concrete floor. I cleaned Cooper up, and much to the horror of the workers got right back on the treadmill.

I was unable to finish that race (Chicago). I have pretty severe asthma, and I have fall allergies. The two were working against me.  Afterwards, I went back to the Elite Suite to get my things, and my youngest son was literally climbing the walls. He was bored out of his mind. There was a stairwell in the media area. Directly underneath this stairwell was the food for the journalists. He kept sliding down the handrail, dirty shoes hanging over the food. I was MORTIFIED!   I was too tired and defeated to really do much about it.

After Chicago, I took some time to myself to think about how I was purposing my life. I knew that my sons needed more of me than they were gettting. I also knew that I needed running to keep sane. I took it easy that winter and ran the 25k River BAnk Run in May. I had another asthma attack. This one was much worse. I finished the race, but had to deny ambulance transport. It was Mother's Day. My kids weren't with me, they were at home, 4 hours away. This was pretty much "it" for me.

I went home to a husband that scolded me, but was empathetic, and two fabulous kids that were happy to have me back regardless of my performance. I realized that my kids loved me unconditionally at the moment, but it was temporary.  My finances were a mess, my children were longing for me, and my husband felt powerless in his life.  I saw bits of this lifescape at this point, but not all of it, and I knew I was at the core of the positive change my family needed.  I am the mother.  I am the center.  Whatever direction I spin in my family follows like a pinwheel.

A lot of change occured in my life at this point, including Casey's decision to join the Army. I took some time to myself and read a book a running friend of mine had sent to me "Called to be Holy".  It was at this point that I began to make a conscience decision to chose time with my kids over time at the track.  It was also during this period that I began to realize that my youngest son wasn't yet learning to read and he was half way through 1st grade.  I began to spend a lot of time researching dyslexia, and learning how to tutor children with dyslexia so as to reconstruct their synapses.  I was advocating on his behalf at school, and eventually pulled him out to homeschool him so that I could teach him to read.

This brings us to January 2010.  Over the next 2 years I spend a majority of my time and energy raising my sons.  Not in a June Cleaver sense.  I began to understand the idea behind the "vocations".  My job was to raise my sons to be whole, happy people that know and UNDERSTAND the LOVE of God, and how to love LIKE God.  This meant, more than anything, I needed to be an example of how to serve God.  This also meant that I needed to be tuned into their needs, which of course I couldn't do if I was only tuned in to my own needs.

Easter 2010 I did a TON of meditation.  I realized that my MOTIVATION to compete was driven by my own vanity.  I wanted recognition.  I was putting my "vocation" on the shelf to feed my own vanity.  To "run for God", would be the vocation of a single person.  This line of reasoning was reinforced with the fact that most of my peers were single.  The time and focus required only took me away from my family, and forced me to focus most of my energy on being in tune with my own needs, which I realized was counter productive.  It was at this point that I decided I would run for my mental and physical health ONLY.  I would no longer train to feed my vanity. 

I know I am a flawed person.  I can be an out-right asshole sometimes.  Grace means that God loves me anyway.  He loves me not as a warm fuzzy feeling in his chest, but loves me as a verb.  He will meet my NEEDS (not desires) even though I don't deserve it.  He will forgive me even though I am not worthy.  He will ALWAYS listen, though not always answer.  God is always in tune with me, even if I'm not always tuned in to God.  This is the love I want to embody for my children.  I realize that I cannot embody this type of love if all of my energy is focused on me doing my own thing.  It takes a lot of energy, focus, and yes, selfishness to pursue huge success in any field.  I needed to shift that focus from my running to my family.  If I were to continue on the path I was on in 2008 I would have taught my children annoyance, impatience, and how to be self-serving.

I have come to understand that the Single and Religious lives wouldn't have pushed me closer to God.  I am naturally a selfish person.  I love time alone to reflect and meditate.  Being on my own is my comfort zone.  Cooper was no accident.  Meeting Casey was no accident.  God knew what I'd need to learn to love like him, and he gave it to me.  It took me a while to surrender to my situation and understand it.  Since I have devoted myself as a servant in my role as a Parent and Spouse my life has become my refuge.  My finances are straight, my Marriage is as strong as ever, my children feel whole and happy.  My children know humility, and love with grace.  They are seeking their purpose, and I am their torch bearer.  That is a better reward than any finish line.

I may again run in races, but I will not be competing in the same sense as I once did.