Poor
little
monkey no
one loves. Sky
walking and
carrying the world on
fingertips. A
freckle in the
white. A
blemish punished by
perfection. Stupid
happy
monkey not
knowing he can't
walk on
air, can't
carry the
world without getting
squished,
an
oozey
red
pancake invisible under
ice, his smile
distorted
flat
and unrecognizable.
This straightens my
vertebrae one
by one, and makes
the edges of
my lips
curl
pushing up
my cheeks until
my eyes
disappear, and
my face
gets sore.
Stupid
happy
monkey.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Blue Print
I never dreamed about my Wedding. I didn't care where it happened, or what kind of flowers were used. I didn't even care about the colors. My wedding was, to me, an annoying formality. A necessary evil required in order for me to move forward with what it was I DID fantasize about. My life.
I could describe in detail what my future life would look like. A small house with a big yard, a large garden of vegetables and wild flowers, smoke spiraling out of the chimney, children laughing in the yard. You can't very well accomplish that without a husband, so a wedding was a necessity. After I found the right guy, of course. Not just any ol' guy would do. I also thought all of this would occur after my stint as a revolutionary.
Modified over the years, but the basics were the same. The house, the kids, me having a purpose outside of motherhood/wifehood. Always it seemed effortless to provide this life, after all I wasn't asking for much. I've always been pretty low maintenance.
Here I am nearly half way through this life. In a house near the woods, with children laughing in the yard, my best friend to wake up with every morning and go to bed with every night. Now, in an effort to provide a future for the kids we are thinking of giving it all up. I cling to it with big, jumpy eyes.
I watch the news every morning. When I hear about fallen soldier on the news my eyes well up for their families just before I think to myself, "thank God I don't have to worry about that. If there's one thing I couldn't do it's throw my best friend to chance". Yet, here we are. I am NOT ready to crucify this dream just yet. I am not ready for the daily news to be a weight that squishes my chest until my breath runs away from me. What if I never catch it again?
I could describe in detail what my future life would look like. A small house with a big yard, a large garden of vegetables and wild flowers, smoke spiraling out of the chimney, children laughing in the yard. You can't very well accomplish that without a husband, so a wedding was a necessity. After I found the right guy, of course. Not just any ol' guy would do. I also thought all of this would occur after my stint as a revolutionary.
Modified over the years, but the basics were the same. The house, the kids, me having a purpose outside of motherhood/wifehood. Always it seemed effortless to provide this life, after all I wasn't asking for much. I've always been pretty low maintenance.
Here I am nearly half way through this life. In a house near the woods, with children laughing in the yard, my best friend to wake up with every morning and go to bed with every night. Now, in an effort to provide a future for the kids we are thinking of giving it all up. I cling to it with big, jumpy eyes.
I watch the news every morning. When I hear about fallen soldier on the news my eyes well up for their families just before I think to myself, "thank God I don't have to worry about that. If there's one thing I couldn't do it's throw my best friend to chance". Yet, here we are. I am NOT ready to crucify this dream just yet. I am not ready for the daily news to be a weight that squishes my chest until my breath runs away from me. What if I never catch it again?
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