an oldie but it fits here

This is from December of 2006 (When I was still teaching!). What I say seems to fit the theme of this blog so I wanted to post it here!

"Today I recieved a batch of little yellow notes from the psychology class. They explained why the students had picked me to be the reciepient of their admiration. Of course they made me feel good. However, they provided me with a great deal of insight, into myself and the broader world, that I didn't expect.

First of all, they all said the same things. I came to understand that in my students eyes Mrs. Gasway = positivity, energy, enthusiasm, randomness, fun, passion, authenticity, and individuality. These are qualities I aspire to possess so I'm glad that others have percieved me as such. That was a much needed affirmation. It did make me think if Annie, mommy, wife, and all my other selves possess at least a few of these qualities. I don't know. I don't get little yellow notes from my husband, children, or aquantances. I began to wonder what qualities my critics notes would highlight, and what color would they be? Then I thought about all the other teachers notes and how they were impacted by them. Finally, the students, did they take this assignment seriously, or was it just a gotta-get-it-done sorta thing. It doesn't matter, I just always wonder that. I'm a teacher!

What would life be like if we were assessed regularly on the perceptions others had of us. What if we could get in writing some sort of run down of the qualities others see in us. Would we be any more motivated to be better human beings?

To me the notes were an affirmation that I am the person I aspire to be, and I do embody the qualities I strive to represent. It's nice to know I'm actually hitting the target, and not just thinking I am. So many of us think we know who we are until we find out the collective perception of us is much different from our perception of ourself. Really we are only what other's think we are until we prove otherwise, and still we are only what others think we are.

It's easy to say "I don't care what other's think". You should care enough that you can use public perception of who you are to gage if you're hitting your mark. However, you shouldn't let what other's think persuade you to be someone you dont WANT to be.

Besides, most of the time when people say, "I don't care what other people think of me." What they should be saying is, "I don't care if other people like me." Because, unless you're selling something, you shouldn't care if people like you or not. Little yellow notes aren't really momento's of approval. They're insight into the collective perception of you.

babble

< this is an old friend of mine!


Well, nothing of significance has occured lately. The Indy Mini was won in a low 1;16. That's wriggling under my skin. A little extra motivation. I know I'm not fit enough to run that right now. Focus on the task at hand (Just keep saying it annie). My steeplechase record was only a few hundredths of a second from being broken. I guess it's about time. It's been 6 years, and it wasn't all that great to begin with! It'll still piss me off when it happens though, I am competitive. Yesterday I drove to my parents to visit, run, and drop off Sir Willem (who couldn't have been happier to be rid of me).

The run was amazing. The leaves glowing above me. The wind seemed to poke holes in my skin and rush through me. My favorite hills greeted me with a warm welcome, and I responded with even strides. Everything seemed to flow together. We found half of a deer skeleton, mainly the spine. That was an interesting statement to me of the temporary state of living. Carpe Diem right? You never know when you'll be a carcass. We're all just bones underneath, and many of us forget to live while we are alive. It's what we do with our bones while there is still marrow flowing through them that matters. On a less serious note, the llamas were out on the route. They always make me laugh. I was hoping they'd be feeling frisky enough to chase me so that all their neck fur would bounce up and down. It's the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen, bouncing llama fur. They have such long necks too. I have been known to take a laughing break for the llamas on occasion. Cooper still talks about it!

Speaking of Cooper... On the dark ride home Cooper kept me company. He has an old soul. It makes him intriguing, and his presence addictive. He opened up about his new school, speaking only in metaphor (gee wonder where he gets that from!) He said the kids sometimes make him feel like they're all "Puppies at the bowl and he gets popped out to stand alone until they scatter. When they leave and I go to the bowl there's nothing left". He said, "they just don't know I'm a good leader mom" Hummmmm. What do you say to a six year old who tells you this? I told him something about how good leaders don't worry about being followed, because they know that someday it'll happen. They have belief in themselves, you're only 6 blah blah blah... He has such an old soul that many times he leaves me feeling like a child.

unhinged

quotes,
"Mommy no grown ups are at the playground. No one would see you playing with us so you could act like a kid. You know you have a kid inside you don't you."
"mine eyes are melting"
"It's wake up time. Make me some lunch"
"Cooper are you hearing voices again?"
"What's your super power?"
"Don't go in there! The One tooth monkey will get you!"
"mommy you look like a boy when you are running"
"I'm shaking my bottom at you!"
"Look at me I'm yours old granny!" (pants up to his nipples)
"jellycreamers!"
"holy chicago" "holy mayonnaise"
Of course there's spontaneous accapella renditions of "409" and "Day Oh"
"brother love"
"kuckoburra code"
"Sorry boys, I can't hear you. The music in mommyland is awfully loud!"

Once upon a supermarket fit
"Little boy you look upset. Do you want me to help you find your mommy?" You are my mommy. "I'm sorry but I've never seen you before today." YOUS ARES MY MOMMY! "Nope I'm sorry. My little boy never yells at me." (tiny laughter) Mommy it's me bwennan Wiw wam gwasway" You look a lot like my son. Oh how I miss him. He was eatten by a one tooth monkey you know!" Siwwy no I wasn't I'm wight heow. (In the dramatic fashion of a silent movie damsel) "Oh it couldn't be! Willem is that really you! Oh how I've missed you so!" (Big hug)

Houseplant *Upon Casey's urging*

This may look like an ordinary houseplant to everyone else in the world, but to the Gasway family it carries a special meaning. I don't know what type of foliage it is. For all I care it's pink and green foliage. To us this plant isn't something we bought to put into our house, it's something we bought to signify "home".

Seems like most people settle down in a place and THEN have kids. Well I've always done things bass ackwards. I had kids and still haven't settled down in place. My kids have lived in three states and four different houses. However, their home has remained the same; Mom, Dad, our routines, and (drum roll please) the plant.

I don't see the change as a bad thing. There is no negativity in it for us. If anything it is routine for us to change. After we moved back from Colorado in 2004 I realized that, although my kids didn't need to us to maintain a physical placement that was constant, they did need a symbol to let them know that, "this place is my 'home'". So I went to Kroger and bought the cheapest, smallest, houseplant I could find, and I vowed to the boys to keep it alive! I explained to them the idea that where this plant lived is where our home was. They seemed relieved to have the plant around.

My kids reinforced for me the idea that home, and house are very separate ideas that can be easily confused with each other. They didn't care where they slept, they cared that we were all together. They needed to know whether where they slept was where our family had movie night, and was free to scream out in anger and cheer. The plant came to embody the idea of home. I think this means that now I could live in my car and if the plant was there they'd feel secure. (a little pavlov's dog eh!)

The plant is their cue. Always on the kitchen window pane, it speaks of security and togetherness for all of us. It acts a the discriminative stimulus for all of us. Where there is THE plant there is the Gasway family unhinged, unabashedly airing all our idiosynchrosis, quirks and other phenomena (see picture of Willem above). Because that's really what "home" is all about right? Airing your weirdness with no fear of rejection or retribution. Where we go so goes the plant, poor thing. I think it should be named to make it an official member of our household. What'd ya say? Maybe we should just give it a title instead? Something royal and important sounding of course. Any ideas?