Mother Arguments... with myself.

Because I like to torture myself, I am taking my little introverted self (who is also quite grumpy this morning) to the school so I can meet with other moms and build the set for Will's upcoming play.  Wish me luck.  I am terrified.  I will put on my best "funny girl" face, and probably do a wonderful job of fooling everyone into thinking I'm oh so funny and outgoing.  Then I will spend the remainder of the day recovering, via nap, TV veg-out sessions, oh and perhaps a run.  Why do I do this to myself?  I do it for my kids... (LOL please).

Oh yes, I wouldn't want them to be the kids of, "that woman, the one that won't talk to anyone" or "you know that grumpy lady with the chest tattoo".  I would much rather they were the kids of, "that really funny chick".  Since I'm capable of being quite charming and funny that's the "me" I wear to these things... most of the time.  Today I have to wear her since at Will's Valentine's poetry reading I was in charge of taking the class pictures and I awkwardly stood with the sun to my back as the other parents ALL stood facing the sun and so there we were in a photography stand off, me vs. them.  HOW awkward!  I totally made up for it BY NOT TALKING TO ANYONE and leaving early.  No, today I HAVE to ooze charm, even if it costs me the rest of my day... and then I hear logic and it sounds a lot like my husbands voice,  "Annie, people don't care about you.  They care about them.  So long as you don't offend anyone they'll forget all about you."  Hmmmm... I THINK I'd like that actually.

What I'd like to be

So let me get this right, if I can keep my darn foot out of my mouth, which is pretty hard for me, I don't have to be charming?  "NO YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE CHARMING, you just have to NOT piss people off".  Really?  "yes, You weren't exactly charming to me when we first met and I fell in love with you"  By the way this conversation never happened.  It's happening in my head, pulled from bits and pieces of 13 years worth of real conversations.  He's right, the first thing I ever said to him boils down to, "you're ugly". Which was a lie, he had just gotten on my nerves with a cheesy come-on line.  He is so weird, bad example honey.  You aren't normal.  Most people would've hated me forever for that.

Self-Portrait... really.  I drew this of myself.

Okay, so now I feel sufficiently pepped up.  Thanks to a conversation with the husband in my head.  I will go to this thing and not be silent, and not be offensive.  OH DAMNIT I'M DOOMED!  I'm going to have to default to the oozing charm... *sigh*.  But what will that teach my kids?  To be popular is more important than being true to who you are?  They won't be there, that's right.  Don't talk, or steal the show?  AAAAHHHHHHH.... I've become too adept at masking my introversion.  It benefits me how?  *sigh*

"Mom, can you come get me?  I'm frozen"  and that's my cue to stop blogging.  There's a 5ft tween that needs to be rescued from his bed, and I still have to put on my cape (which looks a lot like an apron but backwards and around my neck instead of my waist) before I head up there.

I just wanted my readers to see that all this being a Mom stuff can drive me insane... before my kids even get up in the morning.  I hope you got a good laugh out of my inner debate...

Entitlement issues!

The bonus Army.  Do you know it's history?  Most people don't.  I am going to over simplify it, but I have to in order to explain it.  It was a group of WWI veterans who had been promised a bonus for their service.  The Great Depression hits, they can't get jobs and their Bonus never comes.  So they "occupy" Washington, and demand that the Pres. Hoover pays them what he owes them.  He doesn't.  Instead he unleashes the active duty army on them AND their families.  Gen. MacArthur goes into their camp and tear gases the veterans, their wives and children, then burns down their camp.  The immediate result, two infants and one veteran dead, 153 wounded.

The election of 2012 is on the horizon.  I don't have all the answers, but given my INFJness I can see things as an entire picture.  I can connect dots others can't and lately I'm finding myself getting frustrated with folks for not seeing through propaganda.  This is what I see.  I see ordinary voters dependent on gasoline, and hard up for cash shopping at Wal-Mart, and not understanding that so long as they continue life that way our military will be REQUIRED in order to get their gasoline.  We have to compete with China for this precious oil.  They use most of it to manufacture all of those plastic toys, and cheap clothes that Wal-Mart is supplied with.  Since we, as a country, are dependent on China to keep our cash flow going, even if we all ride bikes everywhere our military will still be needed to be sure that oil is getting out of the Middle East.

Unemployment is quite the problem yet, in the name of budget cuts, the military is getting ready to Lay-Off 200,000 or so Soldiers, Air-men, Marines, and Sailors who will begin to compete for work with civilians.  When this happens it will only worsen the unemployment problem.  Some of these Veterans have serious injuries and/or PTSD, yet (if Obama's proposal is passed) they won't have the healthcare necessary to treat their physical and emotional injuries.  There definitely need to be cuts, but I believe they should be in the arena of weapons development, and ceasing the purchasing of multi-billion dollar weapons and equipment that we never use, nor intend to use.  That money is simply going to a politician's or politicians' pocket(s).  Personnel aren't nearly as expensive, and it seems wise to keep these folks under the military's care, and on their payroll.  Policy making such as this is destructive to American Society as a whole.  I don't understand how people don't see that unemployed, unmedicated, untreated soldiers are a bad thing.  It is a very bad thing for everyone, history has shown us that more than once.

I see us headed for another Great-Depression fueled by consumerism and ignorance.  I still think it can be avoided, but we'd need to start putting money in the pockets of mom and pop shops FOR EVERYTHING.  Traditionally mom and Pop operations hire workers faster, and pay better than box stores and chains, which is why they tend to be more expensive.  This structure means that consumers are literally paying the wages of those in their own communities.  This is unlike a box store (aka Wal-Mart) where only pennies of every dollar go to the employees/back into the community.  I think that we need to reduce our use of gasoline, and buy American.  This will, over time, give our country the ability to reduce it's military, in a way that isn't destructive to American society.  This election is a very precarious one.  I know little about the candidates as I write this, but I will learn as much as I can about each one regarding energy, economic, and military policy.  WE ALL SHOULD.

I am so sick of hearing people spout off about political issues but then not live their life in line with their opinions.  You have issues with war, fine I do too.  Stop driving so much, buy American.  You hate the establishment/banking system?  Fine, I do too.  Bank exclusively with a Credit Union, and DON'T USE CREDIT CARDS!  You dispise big corporations?  Me too, don't shop at Wal-mart, or any other box store.  WE, the citizens of the United States of America are responsible for where our society is at the moment.  WE wanted more for less, we wanted to drive our status, we wanted we wanted we wanted.  Guess what, there is a price for everything and we are paying it now.  Think it's sad your down town is empty?  You did it.  You stopped shopping there.  The only way out is to want less.  It is to take our money back from credit card companies (I.E. BIG BANKS), and box stores and give it instead to fellow citizens.  You can't afford it? BULLSHIT.  That's an excuse.  I bet you'll be the first one to complain to me about our government and society.  Excuse my anger, I've just let this build up over the course of years and I can barely take it at this point.  We aren't entitled to ANYTHING.  Cost of living is at all ALL TIME LOW in this country.  A "poor" family in 2012 can afford MORE than the middle class family of the 1970's.  You can afford to do with less.  Even if you are "poor" by our standards today you have more than the average person just a generation ago.

WE HAVE THE POWER TO SHAPE OUR COUNTRY... We've shaped it into this, now we have to recognize and harness our power and reshape it.  If you aren't interested in making the sacrifices necessary to get it where you want it...SHUT THE BLEEP UP!  If I didn't already make the changes I mentioned I wouldn't write this post.  We make a lot of sacrifices at our house, for YOU, for our country.  ONLY one of which is being an Army family, and it is probably the least of them all.

Homeschool debate DECIDED

So, I have already stated that Casey an I have decided to homeschool Cooper, and perhaps eventually Willem too.  I simply wanted to provide a link to the co-op we are planning on becoming a part of.  It offers Spanish, Latin, Biology, Physics (with LABS), and AP Classes for high school.  They don't seem to offer English classes which is fine for us because I am a licensed English Teacher after all.  This just proves that there ARE alternatives to Public Education that provide BETTER learning environments and equal opportunities for kids.  I plan on offering my expertise; for kids with Dyslexia, literary analysis, and writing (both creative and research). Hopefully, I can teach a few reading and writing workshops for the older kids who are getting ready for college.  If not, that'll be fine too.  The Williamsburg Classical Community Academy  is the name of the Co-op.  If this isn't to my liking (which from the course descriptions I think it will be) I will start my own.  Roughly 30$ a class, per month.  Really, not bad AT ALL!

I encourage you to look into this type of setting as a viable option for your own children.  Public Education is becoming less and less educational every year.  We all need to remain invested in the state of our public schools regardless, as they are churning out the majority of our work force.  However, in order to begin effecting change we need to stop accepting public school as the ONLY option.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with parents coming together to provide their talents and knowledge to teach a group of children.  Most of these parents are qualified, much as I am, to provide these kids with a QUALITY education, and they don't have the machine crushing them with silly requirements that take great teachers and ruin them.  If you don't believe it's happening, read this article...  His story isn't an anomaly, it is the story of every teacher in every classroom in the US.  It was my story.  It has been the story of every teacher my sons have ever had.  I have had enough, and want BETTER for myself and my sons, and I looked until I found it.  If you can't find the "better", be the "better".

What Dyslexia Looks Like

Well, we have officially decided to homeschool Cooper.  Casey wants to participate in teaching Cooper Science.  In essence both of us will work to educate him.  Will, however, will remain at public school a while longer.  I have worked long and hard to get him an IEP and want to be sure he has a chance to function in the school setting with proper supports before I make any decisions about home schooling him, not to mention he is quite the EXTROVERT, and I don't think he'd thrive at home.  I would like to keep him in a classroom setting for as long as possible.   However, given his dyslexia and giftedness I am open to finding ways to allow him to co-learn at home.  I am after all the most qualified professional in his life to deal with his complex educational profile.  On some levels it just stinks that I am his mom.

Anyway,  today I really wanted to show my readers what dyslexia LOOKS like.  I talk about it, but unless you see it you have no idea.  My hope is that this little exposure increases awareness, after all this was my passion long before my son was diagnosed.  In fact he may still be un-diagnosed if this weren't my passion.
Below is a letter he wrote to us.  As you can see from his teacher's comment, this is an example of his BEST work.  You will find a translation (corrected spelling, but not punctuation lack of awareness of punctuation is a part of dyslexia) at the end of each page of the letter.

"Once there was a person that wanted to be mean and called me a fatty and when I got. Home I felt bad so I worked out a lot until I was as skinny as a ???? my friends helped me feel better but it still did
         Not work the next day I woke up and kind of showed my muscles and the person called me fat.  I just walked away and made a club called (no mean club) so when. The person came I let him in checked for any mean tools he had none so I kept an eye on that guy."

"and then he. Then tried to hurt kids so I telled him to get out but he said "no" so I throw him out of the club.  And to never come back so he did what I said.
                  and never came back.  I felt happy that I stopped the person from being mean to other people and meand he never ever was mean to anyone again.  And that was that and that person was never mean again and I also stopped that person from being a bully and he started a new life and was nice and not mean so he became my friend and I reminded him not to be."

Again, this is some of his best work.  As you see there are reversals, but the reversals are a symptom.  You can but cute little "b","d","p","q" visuals up all you want but it won't help.  That, in and of itself is, akin to learning by osmosis for him, and any other dyslexic for that matter. The bigger picture is his lack of awareness of the functioning of letters, phonemes (which are letter combos that make certain sounds like "th"), and sentence structure.  His brain is not only NOT hard wired for this information, it wired counter to being able to understand the concept.  This means manually inputting this information and reconstructing his synapses.  Yep, Call me brain reconstructor.  He doesn't understand the squiggle that looks like "q" makes the "qua" sound or that the little symbol that looks like "p" makes the "pee" sound.  Which is why he reverses them.  He doesn't get the idea that a "." means the end of a written idea.  The correlation between spoken and written word is doesn't exist.  This is a kid that at 8 can add and subtract 2 and 3 digit numbers, gets general concepts like the "string theory" and frequently asks deep theological questions.  He is incredibly bright.  Dyslexia, occurs only in people with Average, to (more often than not) above average intelligence.  Einstein and Edison come to mind.  Yep they were dyslexic.

One thing I fear about him in public school is that like the two men I just mentioned, he will be cast off as being of below average intelligence because of his poor spelling and grammar.  Worse yet, if he doesn't receive proper interventions he will continue to learn to read far after the school has him reading to learn.  He will lose out on information needed to build his basis of knowledge in subjects like social studies and science, not because he CAN'T learn it, but because it isn't delivered to him in a fashion that is efficient for his brain.  He will fall behind and placed in lower track classes.  I saw this far too often as a teacher.  Kids who fall grade levels behind but are as intelligent, if not more intelligent than their peers.  This one little dirty word is why.  It isn't recognized by IDEA or NCLB as a disability in and of itself.  Instead it gets classified as "written expression" or "reading comprehension"  and schools treat the symptoms and not the problem.  I have worked with several kids one on one to "reconstruct" their synapses so that they might, when they were done with me go out on their own WITHOUT an IEP or a crutch and be able to function to their IQ.  Heck, I taught this kid to read, I had to pull him out of school to do it.  I still work with him on spelling, but these brains need intensive sessions.  They need to be pushed to the point of hurting, literally, which is why it's a curse that his mother is his best resource.  I guess I hope that this gets out there for two reasons: 1.) so parents who think there is something just not quite right with "johnny" or "jane" can look at this and say, that's my kid.  Then they'd have a place to start looking.  2.) So myths that educators cling to can be debunked and students true issues can be addressed.

Also, wasn't his letter BEAUTIFUL!  What a beautiful little lion of a soul he has.  If I didn't have so much practice reading this kadiwompus type of writing I may never have decoded the hidden message.  He is a writer, an author, with important things to say.  It is OUR responsibility to be sure all kids are given the tools to communicate their messages to the world!

P.S. WORLD, he is built like an ADONIS!  He could be the son of Hercules or Beowulf.  He is about as much of a "fatty" as a Hanes underwear model!

It takes more

It takes more than
a mother to
raise a child and it
takes more than
a mother to fail a child.
It takes a community
a village.
an Army of acquaintances an
an Army of choosing
silence or action.
of Choosing Apathy
or offering. An army of "Do you need"s and
"would you like"s A tribe of smiles, and open
arms help build steps and platforms
for children to climb above
the hurt, and the anger.  The debris of rejection.
So, if a child fails.  Do not blame the mother.
The face of the abuser is the abused.
The hands that committed the crime were
first the hands of a victim.\
asking, "where was my Army'?
Children, like moths flock to the light if only a few have
the courage shine.
Otherwise the darkness will grow inside of them until they are darkness looking
exterminate that which makes them remember
they were unworthy
of
being
RAISED
above the
debris.

TO HONOR AND CHERISH... MY declaration to self.

I took the Myers-Briggs II yesterday.  Not because I'm curious about what "Type" I am, I'm an INFJ.  I know that means (see Page and yes, I have spidey senses perhaps someday I'll be brave enough to devote a page to them).  Not because a type DEFINES you, it doesn't, but because it is a resource, a lens to view how I prefer to interact with the world,  Since I have a great idea of what my preferences are, I had the luxury of using this Indicator to see if I was honoring my preferences.  I needed to know where I wasn't being true to myself.  I feel disjointed, out of sorts.  I'm not reacting to situations in ways that sit well with me.  I'm acting out of character, and until yesterday I didn't know why.  I won't bore anyone with the details.  Instead, the following is my declaration.

I have a tender heart.  Intolerance, insensitivity, rudeness, ESPECIALLY when not directed at me HURTS me.  It makes me sad, for you.  That most definitely doesn't mean I don't like you.  I DO LIKE YOU (I like pretty much everyone, and find the best in people).  In fact I'd like to help you, because I know you do it because you are unhappy.  It just means I can't be around you often.  It means I'm here to help you when you are ready to find happiness.  I need to guard my heart a bit, from negativity so that I can keep it soft and tender for those that need tenderness.  Just because I don't let you in, doesn't mean you are locked out.  I need to be sure I feel safe with friends, and those in my life so that I can be free to use what is probably one of my greatest gifts without shame or fear whenever the need arises.  I haven't had the easiest life, so I am already a little too sparing with it as it is.  When I guard my tenderness, I become VERY hard and cold (with people close to me I can seem this way anyway because I have high expectations for them... though never as high as the expectations I have for myself).  I'm not hard or cold, and It hurts me to treat others this way.

Next, I am NOT logical.  Sure I have great logical thinking skills, but I make decisions FIRST and then search for logic to support them so that I can defend my choices to others. In all honesty, I've made pretty much EVERY decision in my life based on feelings and personal values.  When I try too hard to be logical I end up being grouchy, because in many situations the logical choice goes against my beliefs, and what I FEEL I should do.  Like adoption for instance, or my decision to marry husband, or to keep my baby, to join the Army... Pretty much none of my favorite choices have been the logical choice.  I just KNOW what is right for me.  I much prefer to interact with people, make decisions etc. in ways that are personal and in line with what I believe, not based on what makes sense.  When I'm not true to this preference I only end up feeling sorry for myself for not following my heart.  I project this self pity, by lashing out in anger, at whoever I think is at fault (usually my husband because some how everything is his fault ;) LOL).  When I follow my brain instead of my heart I get SUPER out of wack, because while I'm good at logical thinking, I pretty much suck at logical functioning... This is probably the area of second most concern for me.

Finally, I NEED structure, routine, efficiency, concrete expectations and plans.  I actually crave it.  I am NOT  go with the flow type.  I sure would like to be.  Everyone likes them better.  ;)  However, probably due to some childhood things, I have never learned to do this for myself.  I suck at deadlines, I don't know how to implement structure and routine for myself.  It's VERY hard for me.  So if I seem to be totally unavailable for weeks or months its probably because I am avoiding distractions while I attempt to give myself something I desperately need... STRUCTURE.  This Army Wife life only makes it that much harder (this is where that logical thinking is great.  Otherwise the Army's lack of efficiency might make me even crazier than the lack of schedule already does!).  However, I'm a terrific planner.  Give me a PCS move or a hurricane and I will really shine!  So this is my declaration of truth to myself.  These are things I need to honor within myself.  If don't, I worry I'll become a cold, hard, grouchy, moody, lazy, unorganized and distant person who never achieves her dreams or uses her God given gifts.

My Promise

An American Journalist once asked Mohandas Ghandi a question . The American jouranlist asked Ghandi, "What is your opinion of American civilization?" Ghandi smiled and replied to the American journalist, "I think it would be an excellent idea". Ghandi understood the term "Civilization" in all it's true depth, in a way most American's don't.  Root word Civil: of or pertaining to the people or their benefit.  The one word repeated in the following definitons of civilization is "INTELLECTUAL".civ·i·li·za·tion  (sv-l-zshn) n. 1. An advanced state of intellectual, cultural, and material development in human society, marked by progress in the arts and sciences, the extensive use of record-keeping, including writing, and the appearance of complex political and social institutions. 2. The type of culture and society developed by a particular nation or region or in a particular epoch: Mayan civilization; the civilization of ancient Rome. 3. The act or process of civilizing or reaching a civilized state. 4. Cultural or intellectual refinement; good taste.

I am not content to live between paychecks.  I have mentioned this before, I have no pre-occupation with money or "stuff".  It just isn't on my radar.  SERIOUSLY.  People, living in my head, living between ideas, or worlds, between the me that I am and the me that I'd like to become that is what appeals to me.  Until we joined the Army, I surrounded myself with people that were similar in mind, in that they lived deliberately.  They knew why they did what they did, and they worked to better themselves in their cause.  They are still my friends, though over great distance.  I had a difficult time in school, not living in a world that was "guess jeans" or what ever fad was cool.  To me, even at 11 or 12, that just seemed silly.  The fad would change, but how would I?  This notion I had spared no clique.  The goths and Emos, were just as generic and unoriginal as the jocks and preps.  They were all the same.  All defined by materials.  Not working to find out who they were, but purchasing an identity manufactured by American Eagle, or Hot topic.Seemed like a meaningless pursuit when considering that "materially" we are but a speck in the universe.  By high school I saw most of my classmates as Lemmings chasing fads over the edges of cliffs.  I tried to fit into a prefab box, with no success.  I'm just me I guess, and that just validated what I had already felt, that most people see the "world" as being there to serve them.  I internalized this in a very hostile way, and projected this opinion with hostility as well.  In reality it was just hard for me to know that they were missing out on the inner journey.  They weren't awake, weren't living.  They were existing.  I have journals full of my concern for them.  It was just easier to react with anger than concern.  When I left my home town, I made sure to only "invest" in people that were awakened to LIVING.  In this way I could ignore the wider world, and pretend there was no problem, and protect myself.  When in actuality I just removed myself from the one place where, if I were willing to listen, I might, in return be heard. I might, through love an compassion, effect change.

I see this when most people see...

In the Army I was thrown into the Masses.  No longer able to protect myself from this old feeling of concern.  My ears were no longer deaf. This old "lemming" thing came back to haunt me.  I had been avoiding it, ignoring it.  Animals live between meals.  When they aren't eating, they are hunting for food.  They don't think about how they can grow to become a better hunter, or mother, or father, or friend.  They certainly don't think about the affect of their Consumption, as it is a necessity for them to consume.  How is a human living between purchases any different than an animal?  This is what I wonder.  I consider status to be an illusion we purchase when we buy a car, or a plasma screen tv, or an Ipad, or an Iphone, or whatever is the latest buzz in Advertising.  It's like buying certificate of validation written in invisible ink.  Because next year it will be outdated and we'll have to buy something newer and shinier to get a new certificate.  I of course have a car, I didn't buy it make a statement, I bought it to get me from point a to point b.  I don't care that it has scratched paint, miss matched rims, and looks like a tiny toaster.  I have a small 19 inch TV that I bought in 2004.  I don't have an Ipad, or an Iphone, as those are totally unnecessary.  I buy what I NEED.  I honestly have no idea what the latest technology is.  I am clueless about the latest fashion trends.  Things, to me, are utilitarian.  Yes, my husband and I STILL get teased because of our view of material possessions.  Something I am coming to accept is that not everyone sees the world through my lens, and that I need to grow so I can accept those who lavishly consume and withhold judgement, because I don't understand that world.  I have been hostile towards those that live within this materially preoccupied world so I can validate my own, opposing vision.  Just because I don't understand their lifestyle, or outlook doesn't mean they aren't worthy of my tolerance.  So hard for me, because I am radically opposed consumerism to the point that newly constructed track home neighborhoods make me physically ill.  I have to accept, and listen.

This... "McMansions"

I hope now to give my beautiful flowers, of laughter, encouragement, acceptance, and love to EVERYONE not simply those that share my vision of the world.  I hope also, that in giving my flowers, I will plant seeds that this life is more than existing in an animal like state, more than who did what to who, more than what you have.  It's more than being a robot consumer that is slave to advertising.  This is YOUR life.  This life is what you DO, what you learn, and who you shower love upon.  It's about being people centered, not things centered.  It's about thinking about what you do, and how it effects other people, and the planet.  It is about whether or not you evolve so that you too have beautiful flowers of laughter, encouragement, love, and acceptance to give to others.  It starts with me.  My example of tolerance, love, and acceptance is the voice of my concern.  My hostility would only continue to foster an "us" and "them" attitude.  This isn't high school anymore.  I must be growth I want to see, because a civilization built up on things, and not upon the intellect of it's people is hardly a civilization.  MY PROMISE to those I once called "lemmings", I will listen; my love WILL be enough.  I will make it so...

civ·i·lized  (sv-lzd)

adj.

1. Having a highly developed society and culture.

2. Showing evidence of moral and intellectual advancement; humane, ethical, and reasonable