While my belly grew out of control, stretching so tight it felt it would rip with Willem inside it, I was forced on bed rest. Powerless. I thought Willem would own my body forever. In the delivery room I felt my SI joint spread apart to make room as all 9 lbs of him decended through my small frame. The pain was intense. I wore my regular clothes home and was decieved in thinking this meant my body was the same. It wasn't. It was in pieces, and composed unrecognizably. It was as if I weren't in me anymore, but inside someone else peering out of darkness into two strange peep holes. This new body wouldn't cooperate. It kept breaking down and needing fixed. Injections, threats of surgery, and several layoffs due to hips that didn't want to run. Whose useless body was this they stuck me with? I got fed up with the weakness of this strange container. Finally, I decided this new body needed a mother. It needed someone to care for it, raise it, teach it right and wrong, and ultimately to discipline it with care. So I took time to teach it how I wanted it to behave, to become what I needed it to be. That in itself took me 3 years. Three years of making running a stranger, to get to know this body. My frame allowed me visitation with running, but not full custody. Not until 15 months ago.
15 months ago. That's when I dedicated myself to peeling back the paper on my potential as a runner. 15 months ago I was flaccid and out of shape, the marks of childbirth still lay claim my physique (despite the fact that Willem was 3 at that time). It's only been in the last 3 months that have noticed the land scape of my body change. Lines began to cut their way up my thighs. Rows plowed across my belly as what fat was there melted away. Now the remaining relics of my pregnancy are the stretchmarks that climb up my lower abdomen like ivy on some stately brick wall. Those I want to keep as a trophy of motherhood. Where once I was round I am now shadowed with crevasses. Don't get me wrong. I am no Deena, or Shalane. By comparison I am girlish and undeveloped. My lines are still soft and gentle. However, they exsist and are proof of a planting and a rebirth.
Monday, July 21, 2008
Friday, July 18, 2008
mirror, mirror
I am delving for the first time into Sylvia Plath. I had read "Daddy" and have known of her to be a feminist must read. A dark, disturbed, unsettled soul that put itself out of misery. However, my creative writing professors kept her from me. The pushed me towards Sharon Olds instead. The Bell Jar alluded to why they might do that. I saw my semantics and lexicon in hers. I thought I also saw more. The reflection seemed odd staring back up at me from the page, as if it were something I may have written 55 years ago. Thanks to Bridget for sending me this link http://archive.salon.com/books/feature/2000/05/30/plath1/index2.html to confirm my suspicions that this woman is this woman in a different life, with a different husband, kids, life. I don't know now whether to be terrified or just exuberant. I do think the differences make all the difference, and that they have murdered my muse.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Depth
Today the boys and I went to get their good friend Max and take him to the pool. On the way home we listened to this story. http://thestory.org/ of Jabari. Will and Max ignored it while Cooper listened intently. He found the story to be delightfully funny, and enlightening all at once. It amazed me that he found any depth in it at all. It was way over his head. It was like watching a baby discover themselves in a mirror. Jabari's insights were extremely deep, and Cooper's sense of them reflected that depth. Cooper's response to the epiphany Jabari has when he sees his relfection in a mirror while imprison was, "well of course! We are all in charge of ourselves. It's good that he figured that out. Now he can make good choices for himself. Prisoners just don't know that." I just sat silent. While I know he didn't understand everything he understood more more deeply than most. Not all jails have bars...
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Come Together
The boys watching me, Nell, and Katy recieve our awards at the 4 on the 4th race.
Man it's been forever since I've had a stolen moment to post. My journey has finally led me to an open road. Not so much hacking down trees with my machete! I finally ran an honest PR. My first Since Westchester, eight months ago. I haven't had any serious injuries, and have thwarted all suspicious injury threats. I've kept my threat level at yellow!
The 25k Championships were a neat experience, but this years 4 on the 4th is something I will probably never forget. I went into it expecting to win without a challenge, to break the course record, and win 200$. Less than a mile in some red head blazes by me and think to myself, "Who the hell is that? She'd better be in magazines and shit!" For the remainder of the race, I went over all the work I've put in over the last year, all the competitions I'd run. The people I've beaten. The people that have beaten me. I couldn't think of anyone who had ever, ever passed me like that, ever. She was so confident and smooth. I couldn't help but admire this mystery woman.
It was Katy McGregor. She beat me by over a minute. I was thankful though. She was in magazines and shit. It had confirmed that myself doubt was off base, and my aspirations were well grounded. I am on the right track.
The 40 mile drive one way to cross train in the winter of 06/07, pushing a +40lb willem 9 or more miles, Casey working jobs he hates getting up at 5:00 and riding the train an hour one way, miles on the treadmills at the gym (for the babysitting), screaming at the boys during intervals, not teaching (boohoo), watching the neighbor's kid so she'll take the boys on Thursday's so I can do a key workout with the group, weekends away to run races (missed mother's day this year). All of the little sacrifices all of us have made they are all beginning to pay off.
Now is the flat road. The homestead you set up for yourself with all your hard work. I have been told, "you are a racer." "If it were between you and another runner near the finish, I'd put money on you every time" "you race like you are possessed". Of course. I'm not just running for me, to validify my own sacrifices, I'm running to prove to my husband, and two sons, that their sacrifices are worth it too. I have more to lose, and nothing to lose all at the same time. It's the best place to be. As one reported asked me, "You are a mother, with two children, don't you consider yourself an anomaly?" At the time I couldn't respond, it seemed like a stupid question. It is what it is. Now, I think I'd say it makes me a threat. I have more to run for, and less to lose. On one hand, losing means less money, no emotional certificate of sacrificial worthiness. On the other hand, I know my guys will love me no matter where I finish. My life is bigger than just running, just one race. It's not all about me, so who really cares. This is a journey for the Gasways, and a lesson in hard work.
The boys see their dad board the train in the wee hours of the morning. They watch us save money. Soon they will see the pay off when we buy a house. It's the same lesson with my running, only they ride the train too.
Man it's been forever since I've had a stolen moment to post. My journey has finally led me to an open road. Not so much hacking down trees with my machete! I finally ran an honest PR. My first Since Westchester, eight months ago. I haven't had any serious injuries, and have thwarted all suspicious injury threats. I've kept my threat level at yellow!
The 25k Championships were a neat experience, but this years 4 on the 4th is something I will probably never forget. I went into it expecting to win without a challenge, to break the course record, and win 200$. Less than a mile in some red head blazes by me and think to myself, "Who the hell is that? She'd better be in magazines and shit!" For the remainder of the race, I went over all the work I've put in over the last year, all the competitions I'd run. The people I've beaten. The people that have beaten me. I couldn't think of anyone who had ever, ever passed me like that, ever. She was so confident and smooth. I couldn't help but admire this mystery woman.
It was Katy McGregor. She beat me by over a minute. I was thankful though. She was in magazines and shit. It had confirmed that myself doubt was off base, and my aspirations were well grounded. I am on the right track.
The 40 mile drive one way to cross train in the winter of 06/07, pushing a +40lb willem 9 or more miles, Casey working jobs he hates getting up at 5:00 and riding the train an hour one way, miles on the treadmills at the gym (for the babysitting), screaming at the boys during intervals, not teaching (boohoo), watching the neighbor's kid so she'll take the boys on Thursday's so I can do a key workout with the group, weekends away to run races (missed mother's day this year). All of the little sacrifices all of us have made they are all beginning to pay off.
Now is the flat road. The homestead you set up for yourself with all your hard work. I have been told, "you are a racer." "If it were between you and another runner near the finish, I'd put money on you every time" "you race like you are possessed". Of course. I'm not just running for me, to validify my own sacrifices, I'm running to prove to my husband, and two sons, that their sacrifices are worth it too. I have more to lose, and nothing to lose all at the same time. It's the best place to be. As one reported asked me, "You are a mother, with two children, don't you consider yourself an anomaly?" At the time I couldn't respond, it seemed like a stupid question. It is what it is. Now, I think I'd say it makes me a threat. I have more to run for, and less to lose. On one hand, losing means less money, no emotional certificate of sacrificial worthiness. On the other hand, I know my guys will love me no matter where I finish. My life is bigger than just running, just one race. It's not all about me, so who really cares. This is a journey for the Gasways, and a lesson in hard work.
The boys see their dad board the train in the wee hours of the morning. They watch us save money. Soon they will see the pay off when we buy a house. It's the same lesson with my running, only they ride the train too.
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