knowing by not understanding

I am feeling super funky today.  I have a compulsion to get this out.  Our society has elevated the individual intellect to deity.  We worship our own understanding.  There is a pervading belief that each of us DESERVES full understanding of all things in our world, and also all the workings of God and Christ.  If we don't understand something that has happened to us or to others, if we don't agree with it, we feel we have a right to either NOT BELIEVE it, or be mad at God for it.  This makes me so sad.  This can be said for natural disasters, scripture, religions, religious beliefs, science, pretty much anything.  WE DON'T DESERVE ANYTHING, let alone a full understanding of how God works throughout the universe.

We don't deserve to a nice house.  We don't deserve a perfect marriage.  We don't deserve to understand the mysteries of the universe, and we don't.  Not a single one of us DESERVES, or is ENTITLED to anything except a relationship with Christ.  Most people, during this time in history, are rejecting that single thing we are all entitled to because they aren't getting their way in some aspect of their natural life.  Life is hard.  God doesn't promise to protect us from harm or pain or suffering.  God simply says that through Jesus we will be able to find JOY IN OUR SUFFERING.  Heck look at Job.  That poor fella lost EVERYTHING and remained faithful.  He is our model for human suffering.  He didn't know why he was suffering he had faith that in the end God has his back. We mistake our own understanding of our physical world, and our understanding of Christ as "the truth".  When in fact that is a lie, and we will fail in faith EVERY time if we rely on our own understanding.  There is one truth, and we can't know the truth with our intellect at all.

Intellect and the individual.  WE CANNOT KNOW GOD WITH OUR INTELLECT.  We cannot find him by dissecting the scriptures.  We will not know Christ, no matter how many times we read the bible,  if we rely on our own understandings (this would lead to a gazilion truths because we all have different physical experiences... sound familiar).  We can ONLY know him in our soul through faith. St. John of the cross talks about how we cannot understand God or Christ or the Church (of course he is speaking of the Catholic Church, but bodes for all religions) with our intellect and earthly knowledge, because Christ and the Church are of the divine, the supernatural.  Those who try to use their own intellect to understand these things will only become frustrated at best, and faithless at worst, "The intellect knows only in the natural way, that is, by means of the senses.  If one is to know in this natural way, the phantasms and species of objects will have to be PRESENT either in themselves or in their likenessess; otherwise one will be incapable of KNOWING NATURALLY."  So to try to know Christ through our intellect will be fruitless.  He even mentions that it can cause depression because the soul is longing for union with Christ and is unable to attain it.  

FAITH, not in our knowing, but in Christ's knowing and our own NOT knowing.  Faith means accepting the truth without understanding it.  It requires humility to do that.  In a culture that has taught us that we deserve to understand before we accept, this process is painful and can be VERY frustrating.  Reading Sirach 3:20-24 followed directly by Matthew 7:21-23, and then Colossians 3: 5-21 is a good starting point, for understand how being a "true disciple" means dying to our own understanding.  Ascent of Mount Carmel and Dark Night of the Soul by St. John of the Cross are VERY illuminating as to these facts.  We can only "know" and "understand" Christ when we cease to rely on our senses and intellect.  We must die to the world, and all it has taught us and then humbly in FULL faith present ourselves to the scripture before we can understand it.  We must enter the dark night of the soul before we can be fully in the light.  Once we enter into the light we will find true JOY, regardless of what is happening in the physical world.  God, Christ are all JOY, and so we know a true disciple by their JOY.  

So many people now are unhappy, and joyless.  Christian and non-Christian alike.  Again, life is hard and this is understandable.  However, once we understand Christ in our soul we will have ETERNAL joy.  Our society has ingrained in us that we can only understand with our intellect.  We cannot understand Christ with our intellect, since we cannot sense him through our bodies, but only through our souls.  If you find that you are joyless for a long period of time, I suggest surrendering to what you do not understand, and accept that the truth of Christ is NOT meant to be understood by your big human brain, but to be felt in your soul's heart.  He's in there.  He's talking to you, but only in the silence can you hear him.  He wants to give you the gift of Joy.

**DISCLAIMER:  Supernatural joy is different from earthly joy.  Job wasn't dancing a jig necessarily, but he had peace of mind which lends itself to gratitude, acceptance, and joy.  The meaning of this word in this context is... supernatural, and I cannot explain to you what it "feels" like to the senses.  It is simply that when I am sad, I am at peace and this brings me joy.  

Mother Arguments... with myself.

Because I like to torture myself I am taking my little introverted self (who is also quite grumpy this morning) to the school so I can meet with other moms and build the set for Will's upcoming play.  Wish me luck.  I am terrified.  I will put on my best "funny girl" face, and probably do a wonderful job of fooling everyone into thinking I'm "oh so funny and outgoing".  Then I will spend the remainder of the day recovering, via nap, TV veg-out sessions, and oh, perhaps a run.  Why do I do this to myself?  I do it for my kids... (LOL please).

Oh yes, I wouldn't want them to be the kids of, "that woman, the one that won't talk to anyone" or "you know that grumpy lady with the chest tattoo".  I would much rather they were the kids of, "that really funny chick".  Since I'm capable of being quite charming and funny, that's the "me" I wear to these things... most of the time.  Today I have to wear her since at Will's Valentine's poetry reading I was in charge of taking the class pictures, and I awkwardly stood with the sun to my back as the other parents ALL stood facing the sun.  So there we were in a photography stand off, me vs. them.  HOW awkward!  I totally made up for it BY NOT TALKING TO ANYONE and leaving early.  No, today I HAVE to ooze charm; even if it costs me the rest of my day... and then I hear logic and it sounds a lot like my husbands voice,  "Annie, people don't care about you.  They care about them.  So long as you don't offend anyone they'll forget all about you."  Hmmmm... I THINK I'd like that actually.

What I'd like to be

So let me get this right, if I can keep my darn foot out of my mouth, which is pretty hard for me, I don't have to be charming?  "NO YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE CHARMING, you just have to NOT piss people off".  Really?  "yes, You weren't exactly charming to me when we first met and I fell in love with you"  By the way, this conversation never happened.  It's happening in my head, pulled from bits and pieces of 13 years worth of real conversations.  He's right.  The first thing I ever said to him boils down to, "you're ugly". Which was a lie.  He had just gotten on my nerves with a cheesy come-on line.  He is so weird.  Bad example honey, you aren't normal.  Most people would've hated me forever for that.

Self-Portrait... really.  I drew this of myself.

Okay, so now I feel sufficiently pepped up.  Thanks to a conversation, with the husband, in my head.  I will go to this thing and not be silent, and not be offensive.  OH DAMNIT I'M DOOMED!  I'm going to have to default to the oozing charm... *sigh*.  But what will that teach my kids?  To be popular is more important than being true to who you are?  They won't be there, that's right.  Do I opt or silence or steal the show?  AAAAHHHHHHH.... I've become too adept at masking my introversion.  It benefits me how?  *sigh*

"Mom, can you come get me?  I'm frozen"  and that's my cue to stop blogging.  There's a 5ft tween that needs to be rescued from his bed, and I still have to put on my cape (which looks a lot like an apron, but backwards and around my neck instead of my waist) before I head up there.

I just wanted my readers to see that all this being a Mom stuff can drive me insane... before my kids even get up in the morning.  I hope you got a good laugh out of my inner debate...

Entitlement issues!

The bonus Army.  Do you know it's history?  Most people don't.  I am going to over simplify it, but I have to in order to explain it.  It was a group of WWI veterans who had been promised a bonus for their service.  The Great Depression hits, they can't get jobs and their Bonus never comes.  So they "occupy" Washington, and demand that the Pres. Hoover pays them what he owes them.  He doesn't.  Instead he unleashes the active duty army on them AND their families.  Gen. MacArthur goes into their camp and tear gases the veterans, their wives and children, then burns down their camp.  The immediate result, two infants and one veteran dead, 153 wounded.

The election of 2012 is on the horizon.  I don't have all the answers, but given my INFJness I can see things as an entire picture.  I can connect dots others can't and lately I'm finding myself getting frustrated with folks for not seeing through propaganda.  This is what I see.  I see ordinary voters dependent on gasoline, and hard up for cash shopping at Wal-Mart, and not understanding that so long as they continue life that way our military will be REQUIRED in order to get their gasoline.  We have to compete with China for this precious oil.  They use most of it to manufacture all of those plastic toys, and cheap clothes that Wal-Mart is supplied with.  Since we, as a country, are dependent on China to keep our cash flow going, even if we all ride bikes everywhere our military will still be needed to be sure that oil is getting out of the Middle East.

Unemployment is quite the problem yet, in the name of budget cuts, the military is getting ready to Lay-Off 200,000 or so Soldiers, Air-men, Marines, and Sailors who will begin to compete for work with civilians.  When this happens it will only worsen the unemployment problem.  Some of these Veterans have serious injuries and/or PTSD, yet (if Obama's proposal is passed) they won't have the healthcare necessary to treat their physical and emotional injuries.  There definitely need to be cuts, but I believe they should be in the arena of weapons development, and ceasing the purchasing of multi-billion dollar weapons and equipment that we never use, nor intend to use.  That money is simply going to a politician's or politicians' pocket(s).  Personnel aren't nearly as expensive, and it seems wise to keep these folks under the military's care, and on their payroll.  Policy making such as this is destructive to American Society as a whole.  I don't understand how people don't see that unemployed, unmedicated, untreated soldiers are a bad thing.  It is a very bad thing for everyone, history has shown us that more than once.

I see us headed for another Great-Depression fueled by consumerism and ignorance.  I still think it can be avoided, but we'd need to start putting money in the pockets of mom and pop shops FOR EVERYTHING.  Traditionally mom and Pop operations hire workers faster, and pay better than box stores and chains, which is why they tend to be more expensive.  This structure means that consumers are literally paying the wages of those in their own communities.  This is unlike a box store (aka Wal-Mart) where only pennies of every dollar go to the employees/back into the community.  I think that we need to reduce our use of gasoline, and buy American.  This will, over time, give our country the ability to reduce it's military, in a way that isn't destructive to American society.  This election is a very precarious one.  I know little about the candidates as I write this, but I will learn as much as I can about each one regarding energy, economic, and military policy.  WE ALL SHOULD.

I am so sick of hearing people spout off about political issues but then not live their life in line with their opinions.  You have issues with war, fine I do too.  Stop driving so much, buy American.  You hate the establishment/banking system?  Fine, I do too.  Bank exclusively with a Credit Union, and DON'T USE CREDIT CARDS!  You dispise big corporations?  Me too, don't shop at Wal-mart, or any other box store.  WE, the citizens of the United States of America are responsible for where our society is at the moment.  WE wanted more for less, we wanted to drive our status, we wanted we wanted we wanted.  Guess what, there is a price for everything and we are paying it now.  Think it's sad your down town is empty?  You did it.  You stopped shopping there.  The only way out is to want less.  It is to take our money back from credit card companies (I.E. BIG BANKS), and box stores and give it instead to fellow citizens.  You can't afford it? BULLSHIT.  That's an excuse.  I bet you'll be the first one to complain to me about our government and society.  Excuse my anger, I've just let this build up over the course of years and I can barely take it at this point.  We aren't entitled to ANYTHING.  Cost of living is at all ALL TIME LOW in this country.  A "poor" family in 2012 can afford MORE than the middle class family of the 1970's.  You can afford to do with less.  Even if you are "poor" by our standards today you have more than the average person just a generation ago.

WE HAVE THE POWER TO SHAPE OUR COUNTRY... We've shaped it into this, now we have to recognize and harness our power and reshape it.  If you aren't interested in making the sacrifices necessary to get it where you want it...SHUT THE BLEEP UP!  If I didn't already make the changes I mentioned I wouldn't write this post.  We make a lot of sacrifices at our house, for YOU, for our country.  ONLY one of which is being an Army family, and it is probably the least of them all.

Homeschool debate DECIDED

So, I have already stated that Casey an I have decided to homeschool Cooper, and perhaps eventually Willem too.  I simply wanted to provide a link to the co-op we are planning on becoming a part of.  It offers Spanish, Latin, Biology, Physics (with LABS), and AP Classes for high school.  They don't seem to offer English classes which is fine for us because I am a licensed English Teacher after all.  This just proves that there ARE alternatives to Public Education that provide BETTER learning environments and equal opportunities for kids.  I plan on offering my expertise; for kids with Dyslexia, literary analysis, and writing (both creative and research). Hopefully, I can teach a few reading and writing workshops for the older kids who are getting ready for college.  If not, that'll be fine too.  The Williamsburg Classical Community Academy  is the name of the Co-op.  If this isn't to my liking (which from the course descriptions I think it will be) I will start my own.  Roughly 30$ a class, per month.  Really, not bad AT ALL!

I encourage you to look into this type of setting as a viable option for your own children.  Public Education is becoming less and less educational every year.  We all need to remain invested in the state of our public schools regardless, as they are churning out the majority of our work force.  However, in order to begin effecting change we need to stop accepting public school as the ONLY option.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with parents coming together to provide their talents and knowledge to teach a group of children.  Most of these parents are qualified, much as I am, to provide these kids with a QUALITY education, and they don't have the machine crushing them with silly requirements that take great teachers and ruin them.  If you don't believe it's happening, read this article...  His story isn't an anomaly, it is the story of every teacher in every classroom in the US.  It was my story.  It has been the story of every teacher my sons have ever had.  I have had enough, and want BETTER for myself and my sons, and I looked until I found it.  If you can't find the "better", be the "better".