So, I don't talk about my MBTI preference often, but yesterday something happened that is common with my type. A friend observed a physical reaction to me EMPATHING. I have an extroverted feeling mechanism which means I take on other people's feelings. If some one close to me, emotionally (like my children) or physically, is angry I take on that anger. Once I take on an emotion I have to work HARD not to react out of that emotion. I can remember being young and feeling sad, happy, angry, and not knowing why. This emotion I was feeling wasn't how I actually felt. It is like an emotional hi-jacking. This is actually quite common for my MBTI type, the INFJ.
This can cause some people a lot of anxiety, and even depression. It is really freaky if you know it's happening. If you never figure it out you just ride this emotional roller coaster everyday and you desperately want off but see no way out since you aren't at the controls. Luckily, as I got older I came to understand that it wasn't "my" feeling and I learned to control my reactions to these feelings. I gained control. Even though I gained control over my reactions, I'm not sure I ever realized what was actually happening. I'm not sure I knew I was taking on other people's garbage, and I definitely didn't see it as a gift, or as having a purpose. I was surviving emotionally, in that I wasn't allowing other people's emotions to send me on a roller coaster ride. The best I was doing was having the right words of comfort for my students. I'm not sure I was aware of WHEN I'd start empathing either. It was more of me doing "damage control" after the fact.
Yesterday, as I waited in line for Confession with a close friend of mine a woman came into the room. She was laboring to breathe. As my friend and I were in the only two chairs, I stood up to let her sit in my chair. I stayed pretty far away from her. I didn't want to get physically close to her, but I didn't know why. I was just more comfortable the farther away I was. My friend also got up, as another older woman entered. When the second woman left the room, the first woman patted the empty chair and looked at me. She then motioned for me to come sit next to her. I thought, "okay God, I'll do it even though I don't want to, I will do it". I sat down. I immediately had a hard time breathing and became extremely tired. I thought it was all in my head. She told me that she had open heart surgery 6 months earlier. We chatted for a while. I touched her shoulder to comfort her. I don't like touching or being touched by strangers so this was a big deal for me. It zapped my energy, though again I thought it was all in my head. I didn't really notice the zapping immediately. Like I said, this is a damage control thing for me. I tend to not notice the moment I take it on, more that I notice the after affects.
I let her go first. After this woman entered the Confessional my friend said, "Let it go Annie". I said, "Huh?" "Let it go. Whatever you took on from her let it go." I had NEVER told anyone about this. Actually, this blog entry is my first disclosure of this to anyone, including my husband. It seemed too "goofy" it sounds crazy, and I tend to think it's all in my head. So I stare blankly open-mouthed at my friend and she says, "As soon as you sat next to that woman your eyes got VERY dark circles under them and you looked ill. It was very scary to watch. It was like my friend got sick right in front of my eyes. Whatever you took from her, Let it go." At this point I realized what just happened was a gift. Not only did I now know it isn't all in my head, for the first time in my life someone saw the moment I empathed. I will now know how to tell that initial moment in the future, and how to purpose it. From a Christian perspective I can use this knowledge for prayer. I know EXACTLY what to pray for, even with strangers, without that person ever speaking a word. Also, I suspect praying for them is the fast way to "let it go".
Until today, this was a heavy burden. It made it hard to be around others. When Army Wives would come to my house resentful and angry during TDY's it made me resentful and angry, even though I hadn't been before they got there. I would then spew venomous accusations at my husband during his next call and not know why, and not feel they had merit. Poor guy would be caught off guard, and we'd both end up feeling awful. It meant that when I was (am) in a crowd I go home and feel like I need an emotional shower. My mode of functioning became avoidance in attempt to control this. I think, I hope, that now I can endure these things and LET THEM GO instead of them lingering for hours, perhaps days, like pollen on my patio. This is a burdensome gift that has nothing to do with me. It doesn't make me special. It doesn't mean I'm some amazing saintly human. It also doesn't mean I'm worthless, or cursed. I'm neither. It simply means I need to pray when this happens to me. I need to "Let it go and let God". I am sharing this so that others with this same burdensome gift, and I know there are lots of you, will learn how to recognize it and use it positively. Also, I hope they learn this gift affects them but means nothing about their worth. Good luck to you.
