Christmas Present

I met my daughter in a conference room in July 2012.  She wasn't born of my body, but of my heart.  I loved everything about her; her spirit, the pink streaks in her hair, her chuck tailors.  It was that day that our family opened our home and hearts to her not knowing what would come of it, not knowing if she'd truly give herself to us.

It wasn't easy for her, and it was hard on my husband too.  Our family isn't an easy one to adjust to especially if you are a 15 year old girl.  We eat funny food and spend a lot of time in the woods.  Her first week she tried so hard to be what she thought we wanted her to be.  My husband wouldn't have it.  He pushed her to be who she really was, to make demands that were true to where her heart was.  She thought he was crazy, but she finally caved in, "Look I've had dozens of placements and I'm getting too old to keep trying to change myself to fit into OTHER people's boxes.  You are right, I don't want to change anymore."

I think being allowed to speak those words out loud led to a deepening trust in us, and an epiphany within herself.  Over the next two weeks we spent as much time together as possible.  She was so sweet, and loving, and tried so hard to please us.  I wondered when she'd crack.  My husband left on a mission and it was just the four of us at home.  I finally started to ask her what she wanted.

"What do you really want?"
"I want to be with you guys."
"We want you to be with us too, but I know it will take a LOT of adjusting for you.  I know you can do it, and we of course will meet you half way, but I sense something more from you."

It was left at that for a few days.  I had my fingers crossed that I was wrong, but my intuition isn't wrong that often.  Then it happened, she had a blow up.  I thought, "finally, she's acting her age."  I had been worried that things had been too peaceful.  I was a teenage girl once.  I know that it is impossible to be pleasant forever!  We went on a hike.  On the way there she asked when we could go to the mall.  I had said that we would go, but she didn't believe me.  She was pretty upset, and worried that we WOULDN'T meet her half way, so she walked far ahead of the boys and I.  I let her.  I knew she was thinking, and honestly I felt she was dealing with her emotions in a really positive way.  I knew that my assuring her wasn't enough.  I knew she missed her friends.  I knew it was hard on her, and that all I could do was continue to reassure her and follow through with my actions, and that's what I did.  Things calmed down and we continued to build a really great rapport.

It was a few days later that she came to me, "Can I talk with you after dinner." 
"Sure.  Of course."

We ate our dinner.  I sent the boys out to play so I could give her my undivided attention.
"I really like you guys.  Like, I like you the most out of all the dozens of families I've been with.  I love the boys.  If I were 10 I would want to be adopted by you.  When I was ten I still was willing to adapt, and all I wanted was a family JUST LIKE THIS.  I'm not ten anymore.  I'm 15 and I'm tired of adapting.  I really just wanted a place where I could parent myself, I've been doing it now for a long time.  You guys want to parent me, and I'm just not willing.  I'm worried about the conflicts and what it would do to the boys.  If I am going to be parented I want to be by my biological mom."

"Wow.  Okay.  Well, you are right, we want to parent you, and with little brothers you'd be setting the precedent and we couldn't allow you to parent yourself, even if you ARE perfectly capable.  Where would you go if not here?  Are you saying you'd rather be in a group home?"

"No.  I'd rather be with my mom.  I've realized that I'm past being adopted.  I thought it was because no one wanted teens, and now I know it's that I just don't want that anymore.  No one has ever asked me what I wanted until I came here, and you guys demanded it.  I want to go back to my mom."

"I am not trying to kill your dreams, but is that even possible?  I just really don't want you to be disappointed."

"Yes, it is.  I worked really hard, and wrote our state senators to get a bill passed that would reinstate parental rights to parents who met specific criteria.  It was passed this summer."

"Seriously!!  That's awesome!  Why didn't anyone tell us about this?  Why didn't anyone look into that for you before looking for an adoptive family?  I mean obviously it was important to you before now."

"No one asked me what I wanted.  When I'd bring it up they'd tell me it was impossible, or talk bad about my mom.  They'd say she didn't want me, or that she couldn't handle me, but she has my sister and brothers. I guess I just believed that she didn't want me.  They told me it was bad for me to talk to her, so I unfriended her on facebook even."

At this point I feel like I need to talk to her mom, or at least listen to them talk to each other and let my intuition go to work.  "Alright, does she know you feel this way?  Your mom I mean."

"I ran away to her house in April.  She called the police on me and had me sent back because she said she could get into big trouble.  She said when I was 18 I could go back to her."

"Okay, I think you need to call her and let her know what you are thinking."

She called, and without my asking, kept the phone on speaker.  Her mom was on board.  Her mom was realistic and let her know that this could take a long time and even then might not be successful, "are you willing to risk it ALL for this?  You have a family that wants you.  I am working full time and getting my nursing degree.  You will have only what you need, and will have to help with your little brothers."
"Yes mom."
"Alright, I'll talk to my lawyer tomorrow."
It sounded to me like her mom had gotten her life together a long time ago, and WAS willing.  She sounded willing, and ready.  She struck me as a women with a lot of guilt, who had let her daughter go because she felt she had no other choice.  My intuition told me that this woman had been waiting for her daughter to give her the go ahead.  She seemed as though she had hoped and prepared for this battle for a long time.  I felt so optimistic.  This reunion definitely felt as though it needed to happen.

Then I made her call her social worker who FREAKED out!  We had a long conversation about how people were going to try to change her mind, and make her feel like she was crazy etc.  That nothing worth it is easy and that she'd have to be strong.  Then I drove her back to the group home.

I drove away terrified.  I had just found her and now I was leaving her to the "wolves".  Had I been manipulated?  Did I do the right thing?  What if her mother doesn't follow through?  "Oh dear God please let this be what you wanted.  Give us both strength to handle the next few months."  I fielded several phone calls from social workers and psychologists wanting to know, "What went wrong".  They all assumed that SHE had done something to "ruin it".  Her worker said, "The mother hasn't even contacted me."  Then my "daughter" called to tell me that her mother's lawyer had called the worker, and her mother WAS pursuing custody.  I finally exhaled.  The worker had said, "This isn't going to happen.  This HAS NEVER happened in state history.  I think she was just being her own worst enemy as usual.  This is all part of her pathology."  She had been wonderful.  She had been obedient, cooperative, helpful, and fun!  No one wanted to believe that we had a grown up discussion about what she wanted, and that I let her go after it.  I heard from her on and off over the next few months.  I even wrote a letter to the judge hearing her mother's request detailing our time together.

I got a text message from her yesterday, December 19th, 2012.  The judge awarded her mother FULL CUSTODY!  My daughter is with her mother who bore her.  She did it!  She did the impossible.  She did what everyone said couldn't be done!  She did what no one had ever done before!  She fought to get the law passed and then she was THE FIRST ONE to take advantage of it.  My best Christmas present this year is that she will be with her mother, and siblings this Christmas morning.  I am still in complete awe of her.  I am endlessly inspired by her.  Oh yeah, and she was in all AP classes and on the A Honor Roll throughout this fiasco.  Miracles do happen.