First Letter to you

A letter to my son's mother,

The life you made is beautiful.  He is the gleam in my eye.  He bows my mouth into broad smiles.  He dances for me, just for me.  He lights up when I clap for him.  His chest puffs out, he is proud to know he has pleased his audience.  I am the mother who puffs his chest out.  I am the lucky receiver of his hug attacks.  I will be the witness of his life.  I am lucky that you have given this to me.   I am keenly aware of the magnitude of what you have done for me, and saddened by what it means for you.  It means your gift of him will be missed by you.  I see you in him.  He looks just like you.   I see you looking at me through his eyes begging to be loved.  I promise to love you both.

He is so happy, so full of joy, so full of love.  I feel guilty that it is for my family and not you.  My greatest hope for him is that he can be reunited with you in heaven.  I would love see the joy that might bring to both of you.  This is what I pray for, for both of you.  I am guardian, caretaker, and mother of his soul brought to me through you, to be given back to you some day.

Thank you.  Thank you for giving him life when ending your pregnancy made more sense.  You had nothing for him but love.  I know you tried.  I know you wanted what was best for him, you proved this in the most courageous way.  I admire you.  He is lucky to have two mothers that love him; one in heaven and one on earth.

<3 comment-3--="" earth="" mom="">

Gains and Losses

"I feel so bad for him."
"Really?  Why do you feel bad for him.  The judge did the right thing."
"I know he did.  I just feel so sad.  J's dad was so upset."
"Oh, you know that was for show, right?"

But what if it wasn't.  What if this man's angst, and anger were real?  I know for sure that they were real to him at that moment.  Js dad took the stand to defend himself.  He really couldn't.  In fact he took accountability, in many ways, and I admired that.  He said some very painful things aimed at us while he was up there, but I couldn't be angry with him.  He was trying, desperately, to remain the father of his son.  J doesn't know him.  He wouldn't be able to pick J out in a crowd, but this doesn't make his pain any less real.  He may not know his son, but he knows what it feels like to lose him.  A feeling I hope to never feel.  This is why I feel for him. As he talked I studied him.  I committed myself to absorbing every detail about him so I might one day tell his son everything I could about who his father was and what his father looked like.

-Son, you have your father's deep, soulful, throaty voice.  A voice like Louis Armstrong.  You have his sturdy, well muscled frame, and broad shoulders.  He fought for you.  He wasn't ready to care for you, he admitted this, but he still fought for you.  Otherwise, my dear, you look exactly like your mother, and you have her sweet demeanor.-

So, Js dad's rights were terminated.  I should be happy, and I am, but I also mourn.  I mourn for the loss, yet another loss, that J doesn't know he has suffered yet.  When J realizes this loss, he will surely mourn.  I mourn for the loss Js dad has experienced, a loss he felt acutely.  Whether it was a show or not, he felt loss.  I have to think that even if what he felt was a mirage of a true feeling, he knew, intellectually, the implication of the ruling.  Otherwise he wouldn't have been able to put on a show in the first place.

Even if the permanent separation of a family is in the best interest of the child, as it is in this case, the situation is still a tragedy.  Children are meant to be raised by their parents.  If they can't be raised by both biological parents, it is best for them to be raised by one of them.  Every child yearns for this.  It is only in extreme cases that a child cannot be reunited with their parents.  In these cases both child and parent suffer such great loss, the death of a primal relationship.

I can say this to Js mom, "you got your wish my dear. Rest peacefully.  He will know how much you loved him."