TO HONOR AND CHERISH... MY declaration to self.

I took the Myers-Briggs II yesterday.  Not because I'm curious about what "Type" I am, I'm an INFJ.  I know what that means (see Page and yes, I have spidey senses perhaps someday I'll be brave enough to devote a page to them).  Not because a type DEFINES you, it doesn't, but because it is a resource, a lens to view how I prefer to interact with the world,  Since I have a great idea of what my preferences are, I had the luxury of using this Indicator to see if I was honoring my preferences.  I needed to know where I wasn't being true to myself.  I feel disjointed, out of sorts.  I'm not reacting to situations in ways that sit well with me.  I'm acting out of character, and until yesterday I didn't know why.  I won't bore anyone with the details.  Instead, the following is my declaration.

I have a tender heart.  Intolerance, insensitivity, rudeness, ESPECIALLY when not directed at me HURTS me.  It makes me sad, for you.  That most definitely doesn't mean I don't like you.  I DO LIKE YOU (I like pretty much everyone, and find the best in people).  In fact I'd like to help you, because I know you do it because you are unhappy.  It just means I can't be around you often.  It means I'm here to help you when you are ready to find happiness.  I need to guard my heart a bit, from negativity so that I can keep it soft and tender for those that need tenderness.  Just because I don't let you in, doesn't mean you are locked out.  I need to be sure I feel safe with friends, and those in my life so that I can be free to use what is probably one of my greatest gifts without shame or fear whenever the need arises.  I haven't had the easiest life, so I am already a little too sparing with it as it is.  When I guard my tenderness, I become VERY hard and cold (with people close to me I can seem this way anyway because I have high expectations for them... though never as high as the expectations I have for myself).  I'm not hard or cold, and It hurts me when I treat others this way.

Next, I am NOT logical.  Sure I have great logical thinking skills, but I make decisions FIRST, based on my intuituion, and then search for logic to support them so that I can defend my choices to others. Some times i don't even know why make the choices i make, i just know it is the RIGHT choice.  that can be very frustrating for a person with great skills in logic!  In all honesty, I've made pretty much EVERY decision in my life based on feelings and personal values, and I LOVE MY LIFE!  When I try too hard to be logical I end up being grouchy, because in many situations the logical choice goes against my intuition, and what I FEEL I should do.  Like adoption for instance, or my decision to marry my husband, or to keep my baby, to join the Army... Pretty much none of my favorite choices have been the logical choice.  I just KNOW what is right for me.  I much prefer to interact with people, make decisions etc. in ways that are personal and in line with what I believe, not based on what makes logical sense.  When I'm not true to this preference I only end up feeling sorry for myself for not following my heart.  I project this self pity, by lashing out in anger, at whoever I think is at fault (usually my husband because some how everything is his fault ;) LOL).  When I follow my brain instead of my heart I get SUPER out of wack, because while I'm good at logical thinking, I pretty much suck at logical functioning... This is probably the area of second most concern for me.

Finally, I NEED structure, routine, efficiency, concrete expectations and plans.  I actually crave it.  I am NOT a  go with the flow type.  I sure would like to be.  Everyone likes them better.  ;)  However, probably due to some childhood things, I have never learned to do this for myself.  I suck at deadlines, I don't know how to implement structure and routine for myself.  It's VERY hard for me.  So if I seem to be totally unavailable for weeks or months its probably because I am avoiding distractions while I attempt to give myself something I desperately need... STRUCTURE.  This Army Wife life only makes it that much harder (this is where that logical thinking is great.  Otherwise the Army's lack of efficiency might make me even crazier than the lack of schedule already does!).  However, I'm a terrific planner.  Give me a PCS move or a hurricane and I will really shine!  So this is my declaration of truth to myself.  These are things I need to honor within myself.  If don't, I worry I'll become a cold, hard, grouchy, moody, lazy, unorganized and distant person who never achieves her dreams or uses her God given gifts.