December 7th 2013

10:30 am. The phone ring paralyzes me.  This is normal now.  It is the land line.  This means it is either a social worker or a doctor.  I don't want to answer it anymore.  "Hello, Gasway's"  The boys are doing their school work at the table a few feet away.  They pretend they aren't listening, but I know that they are." 

"Mrs. GAsway, I was wondering if you would be available for a visit today."
"Of course."
"is 1:30 pm at the library okay for you?"
"I can't be there until 2, well I have to drop one of the boys off somewhere at 2, but I can drop him off early, and try to be there before 2.  I can't promise I will, but I will do my best."
"Well, mom has to be some where at 2:20."
"I will be there as soon as I can."

We hang up and I put J down for a nap.  I hope that he can get enough sleep before he sees his mother.  I want him to be well rested and ready to play.  It has been 9 months and she has only asked to see him a handful of times, and only once did she actually show.  That was in September. 

1:15: I wake him up.  I dress him in a pair of overalls, and a longsleeve t-shirt.  He looks adorable.  I doubt this is how mom would dress him, but I am not sure.  I wonder if this will upset her, remind her that another woman is picking out his clothes, changing his diapers, wiping his tears.  The thought crushes me. We all put on coats, hats, and gloves and pile into the car.

I can feel the familiar pressure building in my throat as I park the car in the library parking lot.  I want my husband to be here with me.  Why do I have to do this alone?

1:50pm: As we approach the library Mom, and her social worker meet us outside.  Mom is wearing the same clothes she wore to court two days ago.  I don't think she has washed her hair since either.  This makes my heart ache for her.  She reaches for him and he turns away from her.  I pry him off my chest to hand him to her.  She smells of cigarette smoke and fried food, "how is mommy's baby? Did you miss me?  I missed you".  He looks for me over her shoulder.  This was hard, but is nothing compared to what is to come.  I am not his mother.

When we get inside there is a strange man smiling at me.  He is obviously with mom.  He was at court too.  Is this Js dad?  Is this mom's pimp?  Who is this man?  Why is he here?  Is he dangerous?  We head into children's section.  Mom walks far ahead of us with J and I hang back to talk to the worker.  We are engrossed in a conversation about future visits, when J comes running out of the play section and slams into my legs.  He begs to be picked up.  He is terrified of this stranger, his mother.  Regardless, she is his mother and I am not, and the only way for him to become familiar with her again is for him to spend this entire visit with her.  They both need this.  I grab his hand and head towards the table where his mother sits looking defeated.  She looks completely broken.  J complies until he realizes where we are going.  I get a few feet from his mother and he throws himself onto the ground, kicks his feet, flails his arms, and starts screaming a scream he has only ever screamed when he was physically hurting.  My tears come without notice, and I swear I hear the crackling of my heart as it wretches in my chest.  I step over him, and look at mom's worker, "I can't do this".  I walk to the other end of the library.  He continues to scream for the next 10 minutes.  I weep.  I weep for both of them, but they cannot know.  I send my husband frantic IMs on Skype hoping that he will get them and respond.  Though I doubt it.  I feel a twinge of guilt because Army wives are supposed so suck everything up and not bother their husbands with stress from the homefront during their deployments, but I decide I don't care.
"Annie?!"
I look up from my Ipad, and let out a relieved, "Nancy."
Another homeschool mom, a friend.  Relief courses through me and I let out a long sigh, followed by uncontrollable sobbing that shakes my entire body.  I feel weak to cry in front of anyone. 
"do you hear that screaming?"
"yes"
"That is J.  He is visiting with his mom."
"Oh, annie I am so sorry."
She hugs my shivering body.  I feel so frail in her arms.  She hands me a tissue and that's when I notice him.  The strange man that came with mom.  As Nancy and I talk he circles our table and leers at me.  I feel like prey.  I am so thankful that Nancy decided to come to the library at this exact moment, and I know that it wasn't a coincidence.  I say a silent prayer of thanks. 

After roughly 10 more minutes, Mom, the man, and her social worker appear in the hallway that connects the children's section to the adult section.  I ask Nancy to wait for me, and she says, "Of course".  What a wonderful human.  I meet them.  Mom wont make eye contact with me.  J is wandering about the stacks alone and she seems completely uncaring and detached from him a shift from how she entered the building.  I run and pick him up.  He smiles at me, and I know that he is okay.  The man keeps rubbing Js head, and trying to play peek-a-boo with him.  I feel complete molested.  They leave, but the worker stays. 

We walk back to the toys and I put J down.  I am a little worried that they will come back and steal him.  I know it's irrational, but I can't help it. The worker begins to talk to me about our March court date.  "I am going to recommend a straight goal of adoption at our next court date." 
"Okay, are we going to continue visits?"
"Yes, I'd like to try to have a visit a week.  That is, if mom shows up."
Really?  We are going to torture this poor kid!  I know that he will adjust and that if she shows they could build a bond. 
"That sounds great to me.  Though I would like for her to arrive before we have to show up so that if she doesn't come we aren't left waiting on her.  I think it is best if Js life is disrupted as little as possible."
"I think that is reasonable."

We leave.  On the way home Casey call's me.  I begin to sob.  I tell him how awful she is.  How terrified J was.  I tell him about the strange man and how I feel molested and completely vulnerable.  I tell him that I wish he was at home because I would feel safer.  I am sick of doing this alone.  I think I might lose my mind.  I didn't know this was the last time we would see her.  For the next 7 nights in a row J wakes up with night terrors several times a night.  I wonder what fears the visit triggered.