follow up to "Why I stopped training..."

In hindsight I realize that my last post could be easily misread.  The epiphany I had in 2010 was summed up best, by another mother having a similar awakening.  She said, "I realized I am not my child's babysitter.  I am her parent".  Meaning, that she wasn't only responsible for ensuring her child's needs are met, and she is kept safe, but that as a PARENT we are RESPONSIBLE for the emotional, spiritual, and intellectual development of our children.

In 2010 I realized that my children will experience the world through me, through my ACTIONS.  Doing justice to their little souls and minds would mean parenting DELIBERATELY.  It takes a heck of a lot of energy and focus to be intentional in your parenting.  First, you have to decide how you want them to SEE the world, then you have to figure out what it will take to show them that world.  Finally, you have to actually deliver whatever it will take CONSISTENTLY.  It means devoting time to activities for them so that they can attain autonomy and self actualization.  It means teaching them humility (NO FUN).  It means basically, that you weigh what you want for yourself against what they need in order to develop into the humans they deserve to be, and you do it constantly.

So in short, I decided I wanted to be more than my child's babysitter.  I wanted to be more than a nice mom that kissed booboo's, made dinners, and made them take baths.  I didn't want to "bring them up", I want to "raise them".  I wanted to PARENT.  This doesn't mean I can't ever run or workout.  It doesn't mean I can't work a job.  It means that in any decision I make I put their DEVELOPMENT first.  I ask, "What will this teach them", and "Will they benefit" ALL THE TIME.  The older they get, the more complicated things become.  That is why I won't train to compete at a high level.

I think that being raised, myself, with the world view of the vocations made it easier for me to not only surrender my selfish ambitions, and "die unto myself"; it made it easier to throw myself head long into my "vocation" with a happy heart.  See, I author their world view as all parents do for all children.  I wanted to author it deliberately, AND give them the tools to navigate their way through the quagmire that WILL find them when the world view I author for them is challenged as they get older.  When that happens, I need to have the strength, and devotion, to support them and be a "safe" place regardless of the path they ultimately chose for themselves.  I must have the "emotional real estate" to change to meet their needs.

To continue to train would mean that while my kids would be well dressed, well groomed, and well mannered their substance and world view would be manufactured by TV, friends, and my haphazard actions.  My weekends would be spent, not with them going to their activities and spending time doing things together that shape them, but at my races or with me absent (this fact became much more urgent when they both started school, as weekends were really our only time together).  My mind wouldn't be preoccupied with thoughts and reflections on/about my own parenting, but about my training.  I definitely wouldn't be forcing myself to take self-inventories in order to develop into a selfless person capable of unconditionally loving my kids, and others.  What would that life teach them?  Probably that things and honors are more important than relationships.  It probably wouldn't teach them to inventory themselves.

Casey and I brought two tiny little souls into this world.  He and I have an obligation to this world to ensure that those two little souls are accepting, loving, tolerant, and well educated.  In a world that doesn't value those qualities it means I cannot just put on auto-pilot and expect to end up with kids that have the strength to live in defiance of the values of our society.