Why I stopped competing/training

I need to give a bit of background and a qualifier or two. First, this is a rendering of my journey, not a universal truth that adheres to everyone. Second, I am Catholic. While even I thought this had little to do with my decision, in hindsight it is a heavy hitter in the process.

When I found out I was pregnant with Cooper I was 21, a senior in College, engaged to Casey, Captain and number 1 runner at Indiana State University. When I made the decision to keep our baby I put little thought into the Catholic Vocations. There are three of them, three paths or purposes to life; Religious Life (being a Nun, Priest, or Monk), Single Life (in which you are a missionary carrying out tasks too laborious and time consuming for a family person or Parish Priest), or Married Life. This will sound archaic, which is precisely why I put little thought into it, but if you chose Married Life as your "vocation" you are to devote yourself wholly to raising your children and to your marriage. The idea being that this is the path that will allow you to walk more closely with Christ through your sacrifices, hard work, and you will be a missionary of sorts to your children. I don't know about you, but the idea of two seperate people working to become one spirit in Christ is daunting.  That's one purpose of Marriage within the Catholic Church.  It's hard enough for two seperate people to agree a single paint color, let alone become one spirit!  Being 21 and pregnant I pretty much only thought about the fact that a.) I wouldn't fit in my wedding dress, and b.) I won't let this end my running career.

Fast Forward 8 years. It's the 2008 Chicago Marathon. I am at the elite starting line along side many World Class Runners, only 3 of whom have children at all and yet I have 2. I put in many many miles to get here. I ran until I was too tired to do anything but spend the afternoon on the couch while my sons watched T.V.. I saw Casey and the boys on the sidelines in their "Go Mom" t-shirts, and I began to wonder, is this my path? Is this really where I belong?

I flashed back to a snowy Sunday morning. I was 5 miles into a long run when one of the gym's daycare workers came rushing across the expansive gym. I was more annoyed than worried when she stopped at my machine. "Mrs. Gasway? We need you to come right away." When I got to the daycare room I saw Cooper covered in blood. Will (5) had slammed Cooper's (8) face off the concrete floor. I cleaned Cooper up, and much to the horror of the workers got right back on the treadmill.

I was unable to finish that race (Chicago). I have pretty severe asthma, and I have fall allergies. The two were working against me.  Afterwards, I went back to the Elite Suite to get my things, and my youngest son was literally climbing the walls. He was bored out of his mind. There was a stairwell in the media area. Directly underneath this stairwell was the food for the journalists. He kept sliding down the handrail, dirty shoes hanging over the food. I was MORTIFIED!   I was too tired and defeated to really do much about it.

After Chicago, I took some time to myself to think about how I was purposing my life. I knew that my sons needed more of me than they were gettting. I also knew that I needed running to keep sane. I took it easy that winter and ran the 25k River BAnk Run in May. I had another asthma attack. This one was much worse. I finished the race, but had to deny ambulance transport. It was Mother's Day. My kids weren't with me, they were at home, 4 hours away. This was pretty much "it" for me.

I went home to a husband that scolded me, but was empathetic, and two fabulous kids that were happy to have me back regardless of my performance. I realized that my kids loved me unconditionally at the moment, but it was temporary.  My finances were a mess, my children were longing for me, and my husband felt powerless in his life.  I saw bits of this lifescape at this point, but not all of it, and I knew I was at the core of the positive change my family needed.  I am the mother.  I am the center.  Whatever direction I spin in my family follows like a pinwheel.

A lot of change occured in my life at this point, including Casey's decision to join the Army. I took some time to myself and read a book a running friend of mine had sent to me "Called to be Holy".  It was at this point that I began to make a conscience decision to chose time with my kids over time at the track.  It was also during this period that I began to realize that my youngest son wasn't yet learning to read and he was half way through 1st grade.  I began to spend a lot of time researching dyslexia, and learning how to tutor children with dyslexia so as to reconstruct their synapses.  I was advocating on his behalf at school, and eventually pulled him out to homeschool him so that I could teach him to read.

This brings us to January 2010.  Over the next 2 years I spend a majority of my time and energy raising my sons.  Not in a June Cleaver sense.  I began to understand the idea behind the "vocations".  My job was to raise my sons to be whole, happy people that know and UNDERSTAND the LOVE of God, and how to love LIKE God.  This meant, more than anything, I needed to be an example of how to serve God.  This also meant that I needed to be tuned into their needs, which of course I couldn't do if I was only tuned in to my own needs.

Easter 2010 I did a TON of meditation.  I realized that my MOTIVATION to compete was driven by my own vanity.  I wanted recognition.  I was putting my "vocation" on the shelf to feed my own vanity.  To "run for God", would be the vocation of a single person.  This line of reasoning was reinforced with the fact that most of my peers were single.  The time and focus required only took me away from my family, and forced me to focus most of my energy on being in tune with my own needs, which I realized was counter productive.  It was at this point that I decided I would run for my mental and physical health ONLY.  I would no longer train to feed my vanity. 

I know I am a flawed person.  I can be an out-right asshole sometimes.  Grace means that God loves me anyway.  He loves me not as a warm fuzzy feeling in his chest, but loves me as a verb.  He will meet my NEEDS (not desires) even though I don't deserve it.  He will forgive me even though I am not worthy.  He will ALWAYS listen, though not always answer.  God is always in tune with me, even if I'm not always tuned in to God.  This is the love I want to embody for my children.  I realize that I cannot embody this type of love if all of my energy is focused on me doing my own thing.  It takes a lot of energy, focus, and yes, selfishness to pursue huge success in any field.  I needed to shift that focus from my running to my family.  If I were to continue on the path I was on in 2008 I would have taught my children annoyance, impatience, and how to be self-serving.

I have come to understand that the Single and Religious lives wouldn't have pushed me closer to God.  I am naturally a selfish person.  I love time alone to reflect and meditate.  Being on my own is my comfort zone.  Cooper was no accident.  Meeting Casey was no accident.  God knew what I'd need to learn to love like him, and he gave it to me.  It took me a while to surrender to my situation and understand it.  Since I have devoted myself as a servant in my role as a Parent and Spouse my life has become my refuge.  My finances are straight, my Marriage is as strong as ever, my children feel whole and happy.  My children know humility, and love with grace.  They are seeking their purpose, and I am their torch bearer.  That is a better reward than any finish line.

I may again run in races, but I will not be competing in the same sense as I once did.