getting off the fence

Determining the world I wanted my sons to see was the easy part.  I wanted them to live simply. To listen more than they speak.  To be humble.  I wanted them to question their own motives and desires, as well as those of the people they encounter.  I wanted them to see the world as a place in which they are alien citizen who have the responsibility to do good to others and the planet itself.  I wanted them to follow Christs example, because one thing EVERYONE can agree on is that he was an awesome dude, that did great things.  However, manufacturing that vision to their minds eye, is another story entirely.

I have failed many times over at teaching them this, at being an example to them.  I have said before on this site that it was difficult for me to know the line between providing for my sons, and making them slaves to the expectations of a materialistic society.  Every parent wants to provide their child with the things that will save them from being the social outsider at their school.  While I have still failed to master this concept, of all of my responsibilities as "PARENT" I have succeed most in this area.  Sad, huh.  I have succeed in teaching them vision, but not in teaching them how to live within it.  I have built the blue print, but not a users guide.

The husband and I have done a great job of discouraging participation in clothing and toy fads.  While we have bought our share of Bakugan, Hex bugs, and BeyBlades, clothing is a different matter.  The boys wear polo t-shirts, and jeans to school.  They prefer to dress this way.  They say it makes them feel good about themselves, and keeps them from attracting unwanted associations as to their character and preferences (at least so far.  Junior High will be a different story next year).  So while we've done a great job of not buying labels, shopping at thrift stores, and teaching our children to not want material possessions, we have failed to teach them that unwanted associations and judgments are a part of life.  I'm sure next year will give us plenty of opportunities with Cooper who will be entering 6th grade.

I think the thing I struggle with the most is dealing with persecution for my associations and values.  I keep my beliefs, and values pretty close to me, and do not carry them with me outside of my own home, unless I'm going to church.  What does this teach them?  I don't care what your beliefs are, if you only value them and practice them at home, that teaches your kids that they are conditional.  That what you truly value is blending in.  


As the boys are getting older it is becoming more and more critical that I have no fear in advertising my beliefs, regardless of the  consequences.  It becomes critical that I LIVE my beliefs as a verb, and not keep them only in my heart.  What I have been doing is no different than people who put a yellow, "Support our troops" magnet on their car and leave it at that.  They do not actually support our troops.  A magnet doesn't do it.  Sacrifice, volunteering time, talents, or funds to that cause would be supporting their troops.  I have had a sticker relationship with my values for far too long now.  How are the boys supposed to live in opposition to what the world values, if I won't?  

I had my children young.  Perhaps that's not an excuse.  I still need my excuses I suppose.  While they were young I was struggling with who to be in the world myself.  I couldn't manufacture a vision for someone else by any means.  I couldn't own my beliefs.  I wanted my belief in Christ to be just our secret.  It was good enough, right?  Christ knew I loved him in my heart.  Now I see that this is no different than never showing my love to my husband and just assuming he knows how I feel.  If I never hugged him, never honored his wishes, never performed acts of kindness for him, never owned up to being married, and acted single when I was with single people.  Pretty sure that would devastate my Mr. and eventually lead to a divorce.

Loving Christ means that the world will persecute me.  It means that I will be rejected.  I have a serious fear of being rejected.  I have not always done the greatest job of filling up my daily life with people that won't reject (rejecting and disagreeing are two incredibly different things to me I will explain in a later post) my beliefs, and because of that I haven't had the support I needed to weather rejection... a catch 22.  A catch 22 trap I built around myself because of the circles I allowed us to travel.  It's a choice.  A choice that requires me to reject the social invitations of others.  I hate rejecting people more than I hate to be rejected.  I have struggled with the bible telling us, "Bring not every man into your house for many are the snares of the crafty one... If you do good, know for whom you are doing it, and your kindness will have it's effect.  Give to the good man, refuse the sinner." (Sirach 11:29-30, and 12:1-7) and Jesus telling us to forgive 70x7, to love our neighbor, and "what you do to the least of men you do unto me".   I find the good in everyone I meet so this seeming contradiction has really been hard for me.  As my Mr. says I, "view the world through rose colored glasses, and find a bit of (myself) in absolutely everyone."  For me rejecting someone else is a bit like rejecting a part of myself.

Having kids means you will encounter a spectrum of people, perhaps more closely than not.  When you don't have kids you can control the circles in which you travel a bit more.  You don't have to go to soccer games, wrestling matches, school functions.  Since, I find the good in pretty much everyone I meet when a person invites my family to do something I say "yes" without even weighing the possibilities.   I think I have finally, and hopefully not too late, figured this out.  This part of my fabrication for the boys has been the hardest.  As they have started making friends, and because of our time in the military, I have learned that this isn't a contradiction.  It means to be very choosy with those people you call close friends.  The majority of our time is spent among all people.  We are to treat them lovingly, compassionately and with forgiveness.  When you are at work and a co-worker (or mom at the playground) takes a caddy jab at your performance (parenting), when you get cut off in traffic, when someone at the store blocks the aisle; you do not react in anger, but in compassion.  We are to be "light in the darkness", a smile among grumps even if we have EVERY right to be grumpy too.  A super human feat called grace.

Your social time is your time.  It is limited and precious.  Most importantly you get to chose who to spend it with.  It is during this time that you pick only those that support your belief.  If we are truly going to have the strength to live out our beliefs, to be counter-cultural, this time needs to be shared only with those that will encourage us, support us, and allow us to feel mainstream even if only for a short time.  So that we have the energy and peace to again go out into the world and walk up the down escalator with a smile on our face.

I have failed my sons, until now, in how to live this.  If I continue to make the same mistakes they will not understand that peer pressure happens, it never stops happening, and that it their responsibility to weather it without caving in.  That standing up for what you believe in isn't the same as rejecting others.  Scientific research proves that doing good for others rejuvenates our bodies at the cellular level to repair damage done by stress of day to day life.  After all, true inner happiness comes not from doing good for ourselves, but in being good to others.  Their only example of how to live actively will come from home.  I am responsible for constructing this reality, and it's user guide, for them through my actions, through my life.