I met my daughter in a conference room in July 2012. She wasn't born of my body, but of my heart. I loved everything about her; her spirit, the pink streaks in her hair, her chuck tailors. It was that day that our family opened our home and hearts to her not knowing what would come of it, not knowing if she'd truly give herself to us.
It wasn't easy for her, and it was hard on my husband too. Our family isn't an easy one to adjust to especially if you are a 15 year old girl. We eat funny food and spend a lot of time in the woods. Her first week she tried so hard to be what she thought we wanted her to be. My husband wouldn't have it. He pushed her to be who she really was, to make demands that were true to where her heart was. She thought he was crazy, but she finally caved in, "Look I've had dozens of placements and I'm getting too old to keep trying to change myself to fit into OTHER people's boxes. You are right, I don't want to change anymore."
I think being allowed to speak those words out loud led to a deepening trust in us, and an epiphany within herself. Over the next two weeks we spent as much time together as possible. She was so sweet, and loving, and tried so hard to please us. I wondered when she'd crack. My husband left on a mission and it was just the four of us at home. I finally started to ask her what she wanted.
"What do you really want?"
"I want to be with you guys."
"We want you to be with us too, but I know it will take a LOT of adjusting for you. I know you can do it, and we of course will meet you half way, but I sense something more from you."
It was left at that for a few days. I had my fingers crossed that I was wrong, but my intuition isn't wrong that often. Then it happened, she had a blow up. I thought, "finally, she's acting her age." I had been worried that things had been too peaceful. I was a teenage girl once. I know that it is impossible to be pleasant forever! We went on a hike. On the way there she asked when we could go to the mall. I had said that we would go, but she didn't believe me. She was pretty upset, and worried that we WOULDN'T meet her half way, so she walked far ahead of the boys and I. I let her. I knew she was thinking, and honestly I felt she was dealing with her emotions in a really positive way. I knew that my assuring her wasn't enough. I knew she missed her friends. I knew it was hard on her, and that all I could do was continue to reassure her and follow through with my actions, and that's what I did. Things calmed down and we continued to build a really great rapport.
It was a few days later that she came to me, "Can I talk with you after dinner."
"Sure. Of course."
We ate our dinner. I sent the boys out to play so I could give her my undivided attention.
"I really like you guys. Like, I like you the most out of all the dozens of families I've been with. I love the boys. If I were 10 I would want to be adopted by you. When I was ten I still was willing to adapt, and all I wanted was a family JUST LIKE THIS. I'm not ten anymore. I'm 15 and I'm tired of adapting. I really just wanted a place where I could parent myself, I've been doing it now for a long time. You guys want to parent me, and I'm just not willing. I'm worried about the conflicts and what it would do to the boys. If I am going to be parented I want to be by my biological mom."
"Wow. Okay. Well, you are right, we want to parent you, and with little brothers you'd be setting the precedent and we couldn't allow you to parent yourself, even if you ARE perfectly capable. Where would you go if not here? Are you saying you'd rather be in a group home?"
"No. I'd rather be with my mom. I've realized that I'm past being adopted. I thought it was because no one wanted teens, and now I know it's that I just don't want that anymore. No one has ever asked me what I wanted until I came here, and you guys demanded it. I want to go back to my mom."
"I am not trying to kill your dreams, but is that even possible? I just really don't want you to be disappointed."
"Yes, it is. I worked really hard, and wrote our state senators to get a bill passed that would reinstate parental rights to parents who met specific criteria. It was passed this summer."
"Seriously!! That's awesome! Why didn't anyone tell us about this? Why didn't anyone look into that for you before looking for an adoptive family? I mean obviously it was important to you before now."
"No one asked me what I wanted. When I'd bring it up they'd tell me it was impossible, or talk bad about my mom. They'd say she didn't want me, or that she couldn't handle me, but she has my sister and brothers. I guess I just believed that she didn't want me. They told me it was bad for me to talk to her, so I unfriended her on facebook even."
At this point I feel like I need to talk to her mom, or at least listen to them talk to each other and let my intuition go to work. "Alright, does she know you feel this way? Your mom I mean."
"I ran away to her house in April. She called the police on me and had me sent back because she said she could get into big trouble. She said when I was 18 I could go back to her."
"Okay, I think you need to call her and let her know what you are thinking."
She called, and without my asking, kept the phone on speaker. Her mom was on board. Her mom was realistic and let her know that this could take a long time and even then might not be successful, "are you willing to risk it ALL for this? You have a family that wants you. I am working full time and getting my nursing degree. You will have only what you need, and will have to help with your little brothers."
"Yes mom."
"Alright, I'll talk to my lawyer tomorrow."
It sounded to me like her mom had gotten her life together a long time ago, and WAS willing. She sounded willing, and ready. She struck me as a women with a lot of guilt, who had let her daughter go because she felt she had no other choice. My intuition told me that this woman had been waiting for her daughter to give her the go ahead. She seemed as though she had hoped and prepared for this battle for a long time. I felt so optimistic. This reunion definitely felt as though it needed to happen.
Then I made her call her social worker who FREAKED out! We had a long conversation about how people were going to try to change her mind, and make her feel like she was crazy etc. That nothing worth it is easy and that she'd have to be strong. Then I drove her back to the group home.
I drove away terrified. I had just found her and now I was leaving her to the "wolves". Had I been manipulated? Did I do the right thing? What if her mother doesn't follow through? "Oh dear God please let this be what you wanted. Give us both strength to handle the next few months." I fielded several phone calls from social workers and psychologists wanting to know, "What went wrong". They all assumed that SHE had done something to "ruin it". Her worker said, "The mother hasn't even contacted me." Then my "daughter" called to tell me that her mother's lawyer had called the worker, and her mother WAS pursuing custody. I finally exhaled. The worker had said, "This isn't going to happen. This HAS NEVER happened in state history. I think she was just being her own worst enemy as usual. This is all part of her pathology." She had been wonderful. She had been obedient, cooperative, helpful, and fun! No one wanted to believe that we had a grown up discussion about what she wanted, and that I let her go after it. I heard from her on and off over the next few months. I even wrote a letter to the judge hearing her mother's request detailing our time together.
I got a text message from her yesterday, December 19th, 2012. The judge awarded her mother FULL CUSTODY! My daughter is with her mother who bore her. She did it! She did the impossible. She did what everyone said couldn't be done! She did what no one had ever done before! She fought to get the law passed and then she was THE FIRST ONE to take advantage of it. My best Christmas present this year is that she will be with her mother, and siblings this Christmas morning. I am still in complete awe of her. I am endlessly inspired by her. Oh yeah, and she was in all AP classes and on the A Honor Roll throughout this fiasco. Miracles do happen.
Thursday, December 20, 2012
Monday, December 10, 2012
Christmas Past Part I
There is magic in the Christmases when I had the least to give.
She stands outside the school. Crisp air cuts up her coat sleeve. The daily crowd is here to pick up their little ones, and clucking noisily as usual. No one clucks to her making today exactly like every other day since moving here. They chose to rotate staring at her instead, "The people and the weather have a lot in common here. Perhaps after awhile the cold saturates every part of your being?" She awkwardly shuffles her weight so one knee can bend itself in a gesture of cosmetic confidence, and pretends not to notice. "What ARE they looking at?!" Secretly, she wishes she had mirror to see if a little snot has snuck down onto her numb upper lip. She runs her mitten under her nose just to be safe. FINALLY, the kids trickle out. She sees a pair of smiling blue glasses with little blue hat. An unruly strand of blonde hair sneaks out the bottom. "I dot dis foh you, Mommy", a crumpled paper by way of a hug. Now, to collect the brown hatted observer for the walk home. She does so, and gladly walks away from the crowd.
"So are you guys excited to get a house?"
"Wioh we get to have Cwistmas pwesents?"
"You get a house, and if we can move in before Christmas you will get to have a tree too."
"So, mom, is Santa going to visit or not?" Mr. Brown hat cuts to the chase.
"I'm sure he'll bring you something"
"I's wanted one of dose big noeff guns"
"I think Santa was planning on bringing small things for your new room"
"We get to have our own wooms?! Well Okay!!"
"So we won't have to be all in one room anymore?! Can I have a dragon room?"
So the three of them chatter themselves back to the motel room they've share with Him since moving here 3 months ago. The abused paneling smells of someone else's cigarette smoke, a reminder that this is not theirs (thankfully). She makes them a dinner of microwaved raman noodles and hot dogs, then homework, bath and bed, all four of them together.
Friday, December 23rd the 4 of them unlock their new home. A container in which to treasure their laughter. Each joyful exclaim is accented by a little puff of smoke. She hurriedly harasses the gas company and Stanley Steamer so that her babies would be warm and safe before bed. Otherwise, it would be a long cold weekend with painful reminders of the previous owners cats.
"Mommy, I wike ouhs new house."
As she tucks him into blankets on the floor of his new room, "I am so glad!"
"I get mine OWN woom by myself! Is it okay though if I stioh come in and sweep wiff you sometimes?" He adjusts his stuffed managery.
"You bet. I know it is a big change for you to have your own room."
"Yeah. I wike it, but I ahso wiked sweeping ah of us in the same woom. But, it is nice that we have a kitchen now though."
"It sure is buddy. I love you. You need to go to sleep now."
"I wove you too. I wioh twy."
Once all was quite she set up a small 2 ft tree, wrapped the paint brushes and a few small toys from the Dollar Store. She paused to absorb the enormity of this small tree that dared to occupy such a large empty room all by itself. Fitting. Then She curled up next to her family on the floor of her bedroom. This might end up being her favorite Christmas yet.
The Christmas she felt like an alchemist.
She stands outside the school. Crisp air cuts up her coat sleeve. The daily crowd is here to pick up their little ones, and clucking noisily as usual. No one clucks to her making today exactly like every other day since moving here. They chose to rotate staring at her instead, "The people and the weather have a lot in common here. Perhaps after awhile the cold saturates every part of your being?" She awkwardly shuffles her weight so one knee can bend itself in a gesture of cosmetic confidence, and pretends not to notice. "What ARE they looking at?!" Secretly, she wishes she had mirror to see if a little snot has snuck down onto her numb upper lip. She runs her mitten under her nose just to be safe. FINALLY, the kids trickle out. She sees a pair of smiling blue glasses with little blue hat. An unruly strand of blonde hair sneaks out the bottom. "I dot dis foh you, Mommy", a crumpled paper by way of a hug. Now, to collect the brown hatted observer for the walk home. She does so, and gladly walks away from the crowd.
"So are you guys excited to get a house?"
"Wioh we get to have Cwistmas pwesents?"
"You get a house, and if we can move in before Christmas you will get to have a tree too."
"So, mom, is Santa going to visit or not?" Mr. Brown hat cuts to the chase.
"I'm sure he'll bring you something"
"I's wanted one of dose big noeff guns"
"I think Santa was planning on bringing small things for your new room"
"We get to have our own wooms?! Well Okay!!"
"So we won't have to be all in one room anymore?! Can I have a dragon room?"
So the three of them chatter themselves back to the motel room they've share with Him since moving here 3 months ago. The abused paneling smells of someone else's cigarette smoke, a reminder that this is not theirs (thankfully). She makes them a dinner of microwaved raman noodles and hot dogs, then homework, bath and bed, all four of them together.
Friday, December 23rd the 4 of them unlock their new home. A container in which to treasure their laughter. Each joyful exclaim is accented by a little puff of smoke. She hurriedly harasses the gas company and Stanley Steamer so that her babies would be warm and safe before bed. Otherwise, it would be a long cold weekend with painful reminders of the previous owners cats.
"Mommy, I wike ouhs new house."
As she tucks him into blankets on the floor of his new room, "I am so glad!"
"I get mine OWN woom by myself! Is it okay though if I stioh come in and sweep wiff you sometimes?" He adjusts his stuffed managery.
"You bet. I know it is a big change for you to have your own room."
"Yeah. I wike it, but I ahso wiked sweeping ah of us in the same woom. But, it is nice that we have a kitchen now though."
"It sure is buddy. I love you. You need to go to sleep now."
"I wove you too. I wioh twy."
Once all was quite she set up a small 2 ft tree, wrapped the paint brushes and a few small toys from the Dollar Store. She paused to absorb the enormity of this small tree that dared to occupy such a large empty room all by itself. Fitting. Then She curled up next to her family on the floor of her bedroom. This might end up being her favorite Christmas yet.
The Christmas she felt like an alchemist.
Monday, October 22, 2012
DEFINE choice
I sat on the edge of an examining table waiting for the results of blood work for a mystery illness. My body was rebelling. I hadn't been sick, yet I kept getting slower. My mile repeats 3 months ago were all between 5:05 and 5:20. Now, my mile in competition was barely a 5:10. Why when my training had been consistent, and manageable, was I getting worse?! The soft knock on the door stops the beating of my heart for a split second and forces a slight cough from my throat. The doctor enters. His face is white. Whatever is wrong with me it must be terminal. I can't look at him because when I do my skin prickles as the panic tries to find a way out. "Miss Cooper...." "you're pregnant". I laugh. He stares quizzically.
"What about the father?" I point to my left ring finger.
"He'll be excited." The Doctor exhales. Finally. The doctor finds relief, but I don't. I am on a half-ride athletic scholarship and I can't afford to continue my education without it. Not to mention that before this pregnancy my training had me on track to put out some really spectacular performances. This pregnancy could mess up everything; my education, my athletic and professional careers. Everything.
As some of my readers know I did contemplate aborting him. Instead, I told my future husband, and his enthusiasm helped to carry me through my fears about parenthood. I was terrified to tell my coach. He had the power to pull my scholarship for this. I was team captain, and our fastest distance runner. Most Division 1 coaches would pull my scholarship. This is where my story begins. My story is one about true choice.
I forced my husband to come along for our "reveal". He was afraid there would be a conflict. My coach and I had had a few of those in the past. Instead, there was a simple acceptance that this would require a "red shirt". In college sports that means that you sit out a season, but you'll get that season back the next year. My coach was very supportive of my situation. He let me keep my scholarship. He didn't force me to chose between motherhood and an education, or between motherhood and respect, or between motherhood and an ATHLETIC career. He allowed me to have it all. I'm not the only female athlete for whom he did this.
Our team was populated with several girls who had chosen to keep their unwanted TEENAGE pregnancies. You heard me, TEENAGE. I had several teammates who had their babies while still in high school, yet were able to be top athletes in their states, thanks to supportive parents and communities. He offered them scholarships while most other Division 1 Coaches scoffed at them. One of my teammates ran a 2:12 800m as a senior in high school less than a year after giving birth to her daughter. While IU laughed at her and told her that her daughter would never be welcomed at any team events, our coach allowed the kids to come to our practices. Daycare is not always available to young mothers that are full-time students. THAT IS CHOICE isn't it? Guess what, he was Catholic also. He was living his values. He never once proclaimed his place on the Pro-Choice/Pro-Life issue. He lived it. He was obviously pro-life. He didn't need to go out and hold up posters, because he was taking real action. Besides posters alienate and miscommunicate, but his actions were a clear embrace of what it meant to truly chose life. He truly support women's rights. When my teammate (the one I mentioned earlier) chose to leave the team for her daughter, it was truly HER choice because she was more than welcome to stay.
I think women deserve a choice, and right now they don't really have one. Your job or baby isn't a choice, it's an ultimatum. Our society makes it nearly impossible to chose to keep life when that life is unplanned, believe me I know. Our society treats unplanned pregnancy like a terminal illness, and abortion as its cure. In order to truly provide choice we must support women enough that they aren't forced to chose between a pregnancy and job, a child and a career, a baby and an education, or motherhood and respect. We must truly give them a choice by ceasing to treat unplanned pregnancy as a terminal illness. I know that some people view each pregnancy as being very unique situation. I disagree I think that fundamentally each choice that must be made is the same, it is usually an ultimatum and not a choice. Do I chose the life of this child or do I chose the values of this society? I think there needs to be a serious re-evaluation of our definition of "choice". I am for true choice, which at this moment doesn't exist except in small pockets where people like my coach make a true choice possible. I think that pro-lifers need to put down their posters and live their value. It is the responsibility of Pro-Lifer's to take the ultimatum out of the equation so that women CAN chose life. Let's start supporting women, and respecting motherhood FOR REAL.
"What about the father?" I point to my left ring finger.
"He'll be excited." The Doctor exhales. Finally. The doctor finds relief, but I don't. I am on a half-ride athletic scholarship and I can't afford to continue my education without it. Not to mention that before this pregnancy my training had me on track to put out some really spectacular performances. This pregnancy could mess up everything; my education, my athletic and professional careers. Everything.
As some of my readers know I did contemplate aborting him. Instead, I told my future husband, and his enthusiasm helped to carry me through my fears about parenthood. I was terrified to tell my coach. He had the power to pull my scholarship for this. I was team captain, and our fastest distance runner. Most Division 1 coaches would pull my scholarship. This is where my story begins. My story is one about true choice.
I forced my husband to come along for our "reveal". He was afraid there would be a conflict. My coach and I had had a few of those in the past. Instead, there was a simple acceptance that this would require a "red shirt". In college sports that means that you sit out a season, but you'll get that season back the next year. My coach was very supportive of my situation. He let me keep my scholarship. He didn't force me to chose between motherhood and an education, or between motherhood and respect, or between motherhood and an ATHLETIC career. He allowed me to have it all. I'm not the only female athlete for whom he did this.
 |
| Right after track practice! I'm too tired to shower! |
Our team was populated with several girls who had chosen to keep their unwanted TEENAGE pregnancies. You heard me, TEENAGE. I had several teammates who had their babies while still in high school, yet were able to be top athletes in their states, thanks to supportive parents and communities. He offered them scholarships while most other Division 1 Coaches scoffed at them. One of my teammates ran a 2:12 800m as a senior in high school less than a year after giving birth to her daughter. While IU laughed at her and told her that her daughter would never be welcomed at any team events, our coach allowed the kids to come to our practices. Daycare is not always available to young mothers that are full-time students. THAT IS CHOICE isn't it? Guess what, he was Catholic also. He was living his values. He never once proclaimed his place on the Pro-Choice/Pro-Life issue. He lived it. He was obviously pro-life. He didn't need to go out and hold up posters, because he was taking real action. Besides posters alienate and miscommunicate, but his actions were a clear embrace of what it meant to truly chose life. He truly support women's rights. When my teammate (the one I mentioned earlier) chose to leave the team for her daughter, it was truly HER choice because she was more than welcome to stay.
I think women deserve a choice, and right now they don't really have one. Your job or baby isn't a choice, it's an ultimatum. Our society makes it nearly impossible to chose to keep life when that life is unplanned, believe me I know. Our society treats unplanned pregnancy like a terminal illness, and abortion as its cure. In order to truly provide choice we must support women enough that they aren't forced to chose between a pregnancy and job, a child and a career, a baby and an education, or motherhood and respect. We must truly give them a choice by ceasing to treat unplanned pregnancy as a terminal illness. I know that some people view each pregnancy as being very unique situation. I disagree I think that fundamentally each choice that must be made is the same, it is usually an ultimatum and not a choice. Do I chose the life of this child or do I chose the values of this society? I think there needs to be a serious re-evaluation of our definition of "choice". I am for true choice, which at this moment doesn't exist except in small pockets where people like my coach make a true choice possible. I think that pro-lifers need to put down their posters and live their value. It is the responsibility of Pro-Lifer's to take the ultimatum out of the equation so that women CAN chose life. Let's start supporting women, and respecting motherhood FOR REAL.
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Home-school laws for Virginia; textbooks and curriculum
So, I know I announced a while ago that I was officially home-schooling Cooper. Well, I sorta did a 180* when an English Teaching job opened at his prospective school. I thought I could "be there" for him in that way. Then I found out about the discipline policy of the administrators, which is NOT appropriate for discussion in this forum. If you are local and have questions feel free to email me. Ask for my email in the comments section. This new information explained A LOT of what I had experienced there as a substitute teacher, and I deemed it a hostile work environment, as well as a hostile learning environment and I withdrew my interest in the job and mailed in my "Intent to Home-school" form to the Superintendent. So it's a done deal.
Virginia's Home-schooling laws are VERY restrictive. Each state has their own laws, and most states offer a "religious" opt-out loop-hole. Virginia requires that parents that intend to home-school their children provide the district Superintendent with their "qualifications", and curriculum. Then the Superintendent looks over the information and makes the final decision. There is no Unschooling here. If you only have a GED, forget it, unless you have one heck of a curriculum, or have proof of enrolling your child in an online school. At the end of each year a portfolio or test results must be submitted to prove the child has achieved objectives that are grade/age appropriate (those are two entirely different things, but go with it). Luckily for us, we have www.soarathome.com because we are military. If you don't have that, you can request that your child be tested with the public school kids on the state test (I am not sure of the cost of this, but I think it's free), or you can look into the CAT. I think they run between 30-50 dollars.
Online schools you can access would be the Kahn Academy, which is free, or K12.com which may cost (depends on where you live), and I'm not sure how much it costs. I know these two are VERY reputable. I know there are others, but I'm not comfortable recommending them because I have little knowledge of them. Feel free to add to this list in the comments section if you can vouch for your online school. I know that both of these schools provide licensed teachers and are well respected. On to curriculum.
I suggest using a curriculum if you are comfortable TEACHING your child. I am in love with the texts I have chosen. They will allow my son to self-guide his learning, which is important since he is almost 12 and not to into me hovering over him (insert angsty, 'maahh-oooohm' here). I chose the grammar series by Michael Clay Thompson.. With my background as both an English teacher, and Special Education Teacher specializing in Dyslexia I must say that this process is the ONLY way to teach language to all kids. He really breaks down language, and exposes the purpose of learning each segment and the relationship between the "ladder of Language" as I call it, or the micro to macro fro phoneme to essay! The kids learn that words have functions (parts of speech), and the function determines a words place in sentence, and sentence punctuation relays a message and so on. It teaches them the functionality of language instead of having them memorize the definition of a clause, comma, etc. This is especially important for dyslexic kids. The purpose of comma's, the function of suffixes, and their relationship to parts of speech, things that are often over-looked when grammar is taught in most classrooms.
I am getting my literature text from Kendall-Hunt. I'm not using them for anything else, because Cooper has done their math curriculum before and not liked it. I love their literature text because it provides kids with RELEVANT, age appropriate literature and analytic rhetoric. It is by all means a Classical approach to literature. I want him to think critically about what he reads. This year I want him to learn to see the relationship between the author's life experience and the material they wrote about, as that will help him endure the boring biographical informational power point that will precede all literature he will read in public school. I want him to be able to understand why the authors biography matters, before I send him back to public school. Other wise he will be a very bored student. There is often a disconnect, for students, when it comes to the purpose of the information they are receiving from their teacher. They often think they are learning information so they can answer questions on a multiple choice test. The Kendall-Hunt Language Arts texts, because they follow a Classical model, ensure the purpose of imparted information is clear.
I am using Challenge Math for Cooper. It takes the student through each grade level math objective in baby steps. This will allow Cooper, for whom math is quite the challenge, to self-guide his math instruction. I also like Math-U-See. Again, Cooper doesn't like this curriculum.
Science and Social studies are not as closely monitored by Superintendents, at least not for students in the Lower grades. I will be providing him with lists of possible "units" for each subject and letting him research and teach me about the topics he's decided to learn about. Each unit will be "tested" with his choice of project and demonstration, research paper (simple notation), or writing and grading a test he gives to me. He will also be participating the Ft. Eustis Home-Schooler's Association T/Th PE class/get together. No 12 year-old boy wants to hang with his mom 24/7/365!
I hope this information helps those of you who are thinking about home-schooling in your journey to a decision. If you are a home-schooler with valuable information to share, feel free to do so in the Comment section below! Thanks!
Virginia's Home-schooling laws are VERY restrictive. Each state has their own laws, and most states offer a "religious" opt-out loop-hole. Virginia requires that parents that intend to home-school their children provide the district Superintendent with their "qualifications", and curriculum. Then the Superintendent looks over the information and makes the final decision. There is no Unschooling here. If you only have a GED, forget it, unless you have one heck of a curriculum, or have proof of enrolling your child in an online school. At the end of each year a portfolio or test results must be submitted to prove the child has achieved objectives that are grade/age appropriate (those are two entirely different things, but go with it). Luckily for us, we have www.soarathome.com because we are military. If you don't have that, you can request that your child be tested with the public school kids on the state test (I am not sure of the cost of this, but I think it's free), or you can look into the CAT. I think they run between 30-50 dollars.
Online schools you can access would be the Kahn Academy, which is free, or K12.com which may cost (depends on where you live), and I'm not sure how much it costs. I know these two are VERY reputable. I know there are others, but I'm not comfortable recommending them because I have little knowledge of them. Feel free to add to this list in the comments section if you can vouch for your online school. I know that both of these schools provide licensed teachers and are well respected. On to curriculum.
I suggest using a curriculum if you are comfortable TEACHING your child. I am in love with the texts I have chosen. They will allow my son to self-guide his learning, which is important since he is almost 12 and not to into me hovering over him (insert angsty, 'maahh-oooohm' here). I chose the grammar series by Michael Clay Thompson.. With my background as both an English teacher, and Special Education Teacher specializing in Dyslexia I must say that this process is the ONLY way to teach language to all kids. He really breaks down language, and exposes the purpose of learning each segment and the relationship between the "ladder of Language" as I call it, or the micro to macro fro phoneme to essay! The kids learn that words have functions (parts of speech), and the function determines a words place in sentence, and sentence punctuation relays a message and so on. It teaches them the functionality of language instead of having them memorize the definition of a clause, comma, etc. This is especially important for dyslexic kids. The purpose of comma's, the function of suffixes, and their relationship to parts of speech, things that are often over-looked when grammar is taught in most classrooms.
I am getting my literature text from Kendall-Hunt. I'm not using them for anything else, because Cooper has done their math curriculum before and not liked it. I love their literature text because it provides kids with RELEVANT, age appropriate literature and analytic rhetoric. It is by all means a Classical approach to literature. I want him to think critically about what he reads. This year I want him to learn to see the relationship between the author's life experience and the material they wrote about, as that will help him endure the boring biographical informational power point that will precede all literature he will read in public school. I want him to be able to understand why the authors biography matters, before I send him back to public school. Other wise he will be a very bored student. There is often a disconnect, for students, when it comes to the purpose of the information they are receiving from their teacher. They often think they are learning information so they can answer questions on a multiple choice test. The Kendall-Hunt Language Arts texts, because they follow a Classical model, ensure the purpose of imparted information is clear.
I am using Challenge Math for Cooper. It takes the student through each grade level math objective in baby steps. This will allow Cooper, for whom math is quite the challenge, to self-guide his math instruction. I also like Math-U-See. Again, Cooper doesn't like this curriculum.
Science and Social studies are not as closely monitored by Superintendents, at least not for students in the Lower grades. I will be providing him with lists of possible "units" for each subject and letting him research and teach me about the topics he's decided to learn about. Each unit will be "tested" with his choice of project and demonstration, research paper (simple notation), or writing and grading a test he gives to me. He will also be participating the Ft. Eustis Home-Schooler's Association T/Th PE class/get together. No 12 year-old boy wants to hang with his mom 24/7/365!
I hope this information helps those of you who are thinking about home-schooling in your journey to a decision. If you are a home-schooler with valuable information to share, feel free to do so in the Comment section below! Thanks!
Monday, July 23, 2012
God's Currency Part 2
I had a dream a few months ago. I was in a hard wood forest. For as far as I could see there were fat, sturdy trunks that shot straight to the sky, except where I stood. I stood in a small open meadow. The sun beamed into it, while the rest of the forest was darkly shadowed. In this meadow stood, well I can hardly say "stood" it was so degenerate looking, a twisted, gnarly, crooked tree. It was almost as if the other trees created this meadow in an attempt to steer clear of this crippled tree, all of the trees except one small sapling. This sapling was bent as if looking up at the branches of the degenerate tree with admiration. Then I began to communicate with the trees (yes, I have very interesting dreams).
"Why do you want to be like that tree? Don't you want to be like those trees, straight and tall?"
"No."
"Why not? If you grow like that you be thought of as ugly and crippled compared to the other trees."
"But the light favors it. I want the light to favor me too."
Then I heard a voice say, "Those who suffer the greatest pain receive the most light."
At this point I was woke immediately and continued to "hear" internally, "I see this great pain in the world today. A pain that comes from a wanting to be beautiful. God doesn't make mistakes. Everything he makes is beautiful." There was much more, but I am not comfortable sharing it as of yet. Since I was wide awake, I wrote it all down. Needless to say, I wasn't sure what exactly had happened or why. Then a yesterday a friend shared that she had a "tree dream", not knowing of my dream. In her dream. She saw a tree. It's sturdy trunk was large and strong and its full branches stretched out overhead, lush and green. She was then told that it was rooted in Truth.
"Truth comes from the ground?" She wondered.
"It was planted there by God," came the reply.
"Why do you want to be like that tree? Don't you want to be like those trees, straight and tall?"
"No."
"Why not? If you grow like that you be thought of as ugly and crippled compared to the other trees."
"But the light favors it. I want the light to favor me too."
Then I heard a voice say, "Those who suffer the greatest pain receive the most light."
At this point I was woke immediately and continued to "hear" internally, "I see this great pain in the world today. A pain that comes from a wanting to be beautiful. God doesn't make mistakes. Everything he makes is beautiful." There was much more, but I am not comfortable sharing it as of yet. Since I was wide awake, I wrote it all down. Needless to say, I wasn't sure what exactly had happened or why. Then a yesterday a friend shared that she had a "tree dream", not knowing of my dream. In her dream. She saw a tree. It's sturdy trunk was large and strong and its full branches stretched out overhead, lush and green. She was then told that it was rooted in Truth.
"Truth comes from the ground?" She wondered.
"It was planted there by God," came the reply.
I thought this was VERY peculiar. I didn't immediately draw any conclusion, but then after stumbling upon Isaiah 53 this morning it all made so much sense. "He grew up like a sapling before him, like a shoot from the parched earth; There was in him no stately bearing to make us look at him, nor appearance that would attract us to him.He was spurned and avoided by men, a man of suffering, accustomed to infirmity, one of those from whom men hide their faces, spurned, and we held him in no esteem." and on and on, the entire chapter is applicable.
I came to understand, that in my dream the gnarly tree is Christ as the world sees him. Since Jesus said, "I have given you a model to follow, so that as I have done for you, you should also do. Amen, amen I say to you no slave is greater than his master nor any messenger greater than the one who sent him. If you understand this, blessed are you if you do it." This means that if we live for him the world will also see this way. We must die to the world. We must cease to care about the worlds opinion of us and how we live our lives, because the world will see us as twisted and crippled.
My friends dream then the soil is the "truth" of the word, and tree is Christ, as God sees him. It is how we look to God when we plant our roots in the truth of Christ. What the eyes of the world see is a lie because the heart of the world is deceived into believing that money and material goods are the currency that determines our true value. This is not true. Our true value is determined by our honest intentions to live as God calls us to live.
Peace, God's Currency Part 1
A doe swollen with the life inside of her, neck arching gracefully for grazing barely notices as I run past. For a moment our eyes meet, and she returns to her feast. Leaves pass over head in various shades of green so vibrant I feel as if their chlorophyll and my blood pulse to the same rhythm. If you cut me I'm pretty sure I'd bleed green. In this state of oneness with the natural world I become acutely aware that I am but another creation of God, beating in chorus with all his creation. I live for this time when I surrender my existence to existing and cease worrying about material existence, and listen. Today's conversation revolved around currency.
Only when I'm at one with creation do I cease to worry about human currency and all it provides for me. This peace that I come by when I surrender to existing as part of a much broader world, not my world but his world, this peace is God's currency. When I see with clarity that I am but a thread woven into the fabric of all creatures for all time, and feel purposeful peace, God has paid me for my obedience in his currency. When he tells us, for instance in the Parables of Talents, that "to the one who has, more will be given and he will grow rich, bur from one who has not, even what he has will be taken away." God is talking about peace, NOT money. When we use our talents for God we receive peace. Sure Jesus could mean money or talent, and we could receive more of those things if we are using them in accordance with God's Will, but peace is GOD'S CURRENCY. Money and worldly success are ours, Fear is satan's. This was the conversation on my run today.
In all honesty, I have plenty of experience with this. I have often allowed fear to creep in. "Why hasn't he called me today? I bet he's hurt. If he hasn't called and he isn't hurt, what could he possibly be doing? He'd better not be compromising our values." or, "how am I going to pay that bill?!" or "What if they all make fun of me?" Once you head down this path you only create more fear for yourself, unless you call on your faith and hand it over to God. The reward, then, is peace. We are made to live in peace. We must first turn away from all fear; fear of not having enough, of not being good enough, of not being approved of by others. Then we will stop seeing things as the world sees them, stop seeing ourselves as the world sees us, and begin to see with God's eyes the beauty of ourselves, of others, of nature and find peace as we're meant to. We will stop craving material stuff, and start craving Jesus, and all things divine, because we ARE divine beings. We are children of God. Each of us is beautiful. Each of us has a purpose. Each of us has a choice, daily.
Only when I'm at one with creation do I cease to worry about human currency and all it provides for me. This peace that I come by when I surrender to existing as part of a much broader world, not my world but his world, this peace is God's currency. When I see with clarity that I am but a thread woven into the fabric of all creatures for all time, and feel purposeful peace, God has paid me for my obedience in his currency. When he tells us, for instance in the Parables of Talents, that "to the one who has, more will be given and he will grow rich, bur from one who has not, even what he has will be taken away." God is talking about peace, NOT money. When we use our talents for God we receive peace. Sure Jesus could mean money or talent, and we could receive more of those things if we are using them in accordance with God's Will, but peace is GOD'S CURRENCY. Money and worldly success are ours, Fear is satan's. This was the conversation on my run today.
Monday, April 16, 2012
INFJ
So, I don't talk about my MBTI preference often, but yesterday something happened that is common with my type. A friend observed a physical reaction to me EMPATHING. I have an extroverted feeling mechanism which means I take on other people's feelings. If some one close to me, emotionally (like my children) or physically, is angry I take on that anger. Once I take on an emotion I have to work HARD not to react out of that emotion. I can remember being young and feeling sad, happy, angry, and not knowing why. This emotion I was feeling wasn't how I actually felt. It is like an emotional hi-jacking. This is actually quite common for my MBTI type, the INFJ.
This can cause some people a lot of anxiety, and even depression. It is really freaky if you know it's happening. If you never figure it out you just ride this emotional roller coaster everyday and you desperately want off but see no way out since you aren't at the controls. Luckily, as I got older I came to understand that it wasn't "my" feeling and I learned to control my reactions to these feelings. I gained control. Even though I gained control over my reactions, I'm not sure I ever realized what was actually happening. I'm not sure I knew I was taking on other people's garbage, and I definitely didn't see it as a gift, or as having a purpose. I was surviving emotionally, in that I wasn't allowing other people's emotions to send me on a roller coaster ride. The best I was doing was having the right words of comfort for my students. I'm not sure I was aware of WHEN I'd start empathing either. It was more of me doing "damage control" after the fact.
Yesterday, as I waited in line for Confession with a close friend of mine a woman came into the room. She was laboring to breathe. As my friend and I were in the only two chairs, I stood up to let her sit in my chair. I stayed pretty far away from her. I didn't want to get physically close to her, but I didn't know why. I was just more comfortable the farther away I was. My friend also got up, as another older woman entered. When the second woman left the room, the first woman patted the empty chair and looked at me. She then motioned for me to come sit next to her. I thought, "okay God, I'll do it even though I don't want to, I will do it". I sat down. I immediately had a hard time breathing and became extremely tired. I thought it was all in my head. She told me that she had open heart surgery 6 months earlier. We chatted for a while. I touched her shoulder to comfort her. I don't like touching or being touched by strangers so this was a big deal for me. It zapped my energy, though again I thought it was all in my head. I didn't really notice the zapping immediately. Like I said, this is a damage control thing for me. I tend to not notice the moment I take it on, more that I notice the after affects.
I let her go first. After this woman entered the Confessional my friend said, "Let it go Annie". I said, "Huh?" "Let it go. Whatever you took on from her let it go." I had NEVER told anyone about this. Actually, this blog entry is my first disclosure of this to anyone, including my husband. It seemed too "goofy" it sounds crazy, and I tend to think it's all in my head. So I stare blankly open-mouthed at my friend and she says, "As soon as you sat next to that woman your eyes got VERY dark circles under them and you looked ill. It was very scary to watch. It was like my friend got sick right in front of my eyes. Whatever you took from her, Let it go." At this point I realized what just happened was a gift. Not only did I now know it isn't all in my head, for the first time in my life someone saw the moment I empathed. I will now know how to tell that initial moment in the future, and how to purpose it. From a Christian perspective I can use this knowledge for prayer. I know EXACTLY what to pray for, even with strangers, without that person ever speaking a word. Also, I suspect praying for them is the fast way to "let it go".
Until today, this was a heavy burden. It made it hard to be around others. When Army Wives would come to my house resentful and angry during TDY's it made me resentful and angry, even though I hadn't been before they got there. I would then spew venomous accusations at my husband during his next call and not know why, and not feel they had merit. Poor guy would be caught off guard, and we'd both end up feeling awful. It meant that when I was (am) in a crowd I go home and feel like I need an emotional shower. My mode of functioning became avoidance in attempt to control this. I think, I hope, that now I can endure these things and LET THEM GO instead of them lingering for hours, perhaps days, like pollen on my patio. This is a burdensome gift that has nothing to do with me. It doesn't make me special. It doesn't mean I'm some amazing saintly human. It also doesn't mean I'm worthless, or cursed. I'm neither. It simply means I need to pray when this happens to me. I need to "Let it go and let God". I am sharing this so that others with this same burdensome gift, and I know there are lots of you, will learn how to recognize it and use it positively. Also, I hope they learn this gift affects them but means nothing about their worth. Good luck to you.
This can cause some people a lot of anxiety, and even depression. It is really freaky if you know it's happening. If you never figure it out you just ride this emotional roller coaster everyday and you desperately want off but see no way out since you aren't at the controls. Luckily, as I got older I came to understand that it wasn't "my" feeling and I learned to control my reactions to these feelings. I gained control. Even though I gained control over my reactions, I'm not sure I ever realized what was actually happening. I'm not sure I knew I was taking on other people's garbage, and I definitely didn't see it as a gift, or as having a purpose. I was surviving emotionally, in that I wasn't allowing other people's emotions to send me on a roller coaster ride. The best I was doing was having the right words of comfort for my students. I'm not sure I was aware of WHEN I'd start empathing either. It was more of me doing "damage control" after the fact.
Yesterday, as I waited in line for Confession with a close friend of mine a woman came into the room. She was laboring to breathe. As my friend and I were in the only two chairs, I stood up to let her sit in my chair. I stayed pretty far away from her. I didn't want to get physically close to her, but I didn't know why. I was just more comfortable the farther away I was. My friend also got up, as another older woman entered. When the second woman left the room, the first woman patted the empty chair and looked at me. She then motioned for me to come sit next to her. I thought, "okay God, I'll do it even though I don't want to, I will do it". I sat down. I immediately had a hard time breathing and became extremely tired. I thought it was all in my head. She told me that she had open heart surgery 6 months earlier. We chatted for a while. I touched her shoulder to comfort her. I don't like touching or being touched by strangers so this was a big deal for me. It zapped my energy, though again I thought it was all in my head. I didn't really notice the zapping immediately. Like I said, this is a damage control thing for me. I tend to not notice the moment I take it on, more that I notice the after affects.
I let her go first. After this woman entered the Confessional my friend said, "Let it go Annie". I said, "Huh?" "Let it go. Whatever you took on from her let it go." I had NEVER told anyone about this. Actually, this blog entry is my first disclosure of this to anyone, including my husband. It seemed too "goofy" it sounds crazy, and I tend to think it's all in my head. So I stare blankly open-mouthed at my friend and she says, "As soon as you sat next to that woman your eyes got VERY dark circles under them and you looked ill. It was very scary to watch. It was like my friend got sick right in front of my eyes. Whatever you took from her, Let it go." At this point I realized what just happened was a gift. Not only did I now know it isn't all in my head, for the first time in my life someone saw the moment I empathed. I will now know how to tell that initial moment in the future, and how to purpose it. From a Christian perspective I can use this knowledge for prayer. I know EXACTLY what to pray for, even with strangers, without that person ever speaking a word. Also, I suspect praying for them is the fast way to "let it go".
Until today, this was a heavy burden. It made it hard to be around others. When Army Wives would come to my house resentful and angry during TDY's it made me resentful and angry, even though I hadn't been before they got there. I would then spew venomous accusations at my husband during his next call and not know why, and not feel they had merit. Poor guy would be caught off guard, and we'd both end up feeling awful. It meant that when I was (am) in a crowd I go home and feel like I need an emotional shower. My mode of functioning became avoidance in attempt to control this. I think, I hope, that now I can endure these things and LET THEM GO instead of them lingering for hours, perhaps days, like pollen on my patio. This is a burdensome gift that has nothing to do with me. It doesn't make me special. It doesn't mean I'm some amazing saintly human. It also doesn't mean I'm worthless, or cursed. I'm neither. It simply means I need to pray when this happens to me. I need to "Let it go and let God". I am sharing this so that others with this same burdensome gift, and I know there are lots of you, will learn how to recognize it and use it positively. Also, I hope they learn this gift affects them but means nothing about their worth. Good luck to you.
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
knowing by not understanding
I am feeling super funky today. I have a compulsion to get this out. Our society has elevated the individual intellect to deity. We worship our own understanding. There is a pervading belief that each of us DESERVES full understanding of all things in our world, and also all the workings of God and Christ. If we don't understand something that has happened to us or to others, if we don't agree with it, we feel we have a right to either NOT BELIEVE it, or be mad at God for it. This makes me so sad. This can be said for natural disasters, scripture, religions, religious beliefs, science, pretty much anything. WE DON'T DESERVE ANYTHING, let alone a full understanding of how God works throughout the universe.
We don't deserve to a nice house. We don't deserve a perfect marriage. We don't deserve to understand the mysteries of the universe, and we don't. Not a single one of us DESERVES, or is ENTITLED to anything except a relationship with Christ. Most people, during this time in history, are rejecting that single thing we are all entitled to because they aren't getting their way in some aspect of their natural life. Life is hard. God doesn't promise to protect us from harm or pain or suffering. God simply says that through Jesus we will be able to find JOY IN OUR SUFFERING. Heck look at Job. That poor fella lost EVERYTHING and remained faithful. He is our model for human suffering. He didn't know why he was suffering he had faith that in the end God has his back. We mistake our own understanding of our physical world, and our understanding of Christ as "the truth". When in fact that is a lie, and we will fail in faith EVERY time if we rely on our own understanding. There is one truth, and we can't know the truth with our intellect at all.
Intellect and the individual. WE CANNOT KNOW GOD WITH OUR INTELLECT. We cannot find him by dissecting the scriptures. We will not know Christ, no matter how many times we read the bible, if we rely on our own understandings (this would lead to a gazilion truths because we all have different physical experiences... sound familiar). We can ONLY know him in our soul through faith. St. John of the cross talks about how we cannot understand God or Christ or the Church (of course he is speaking of the Catholic Church, but bodes for all religions) with our intellect and earthly knowledge, because Christ and the Church are of the divine, the supernatural. Those who try to use their own intellect to understand these things will only become frustrated at best, and faithless at worst, "The intellect knows only in the natural way, that is, by means of the senses. If one is to know in this natural way, the phantasms and species of objects will have to be PRESENT either in themselves or in their likenessess; otherwise one will be incapable of KNOWING NATURALLY." So to try to know Christ through our intellect will be fruitless. He even mentions that it can cause depression because the soul is longing for union with Christ and is unable to attain it.
FAITH, not in our knowing, but in Christ's knowing and our own NOT knowing. Faith means accepting the truth without understanding it. It requires humility to do that. In a culture that has taught us that we deserve to understand before we accept, this process is painful and can be VERY frustrating. Reading Sirach 3:20-24 followed directly by Matthew 7:21-23, and then Colossians 3: 5-21 is a good starting point, for understand how being a "true disciple" means dying to our own understanding. Ascent of Mount Carmel and Dark Night of the Soul by St. John of the Cross are VERY illuminating as to these facts. We can only "know" and "understand" Christ when we cease to rely on our senses and intellect. We must die to the world, and all it has taught us and then humbly in FULL faith present ourselves to the scripture before we can understand it. We must enter the dark night of the soul before we can be fully in the light. Once we enter into the light we will find true JOY, regardless of what is happening in the physical world. God, Christ are all JOY, and so we know a true disciple by their JOY.
So many people now are unhappy, and joyless. Christian and non-Christian alike. Again, life is hard and this is understandable. However, once we understand Christ in our soul we will have ETERNAL joy. Our society has ingrained in us that we can only understand with our intellect. We cannot understand Christ with our intellect, since we cannot sense him through our bodies, but only through our souls. If you find that you are joyless for a long period of time, I suggest surrendering to what you do not understand, and accept that the truth of Christ is NOT meant to be understood by your big human brain, but to be felt in your soul's heart. He's in there. He's talking to you, but only in the silence can you hear him. He wants to give you the gift of Joy.
**DISCLAIMER: Supernatural joy is different from earthly joy. Job wasn't dancing a jig necessarily, but he had peace of mind which lends itself to gratitude, acceptance, and joy. The meaning of this word in this context is... supernatural, and I cannot explain to you what it "feels" like to the senses. It is simply that when I am sad, I am at peace and this brings me joy.
**DISCLAIMER: Supernatural joy is different from earthly joy. Job wasn't dancing a jig necessarily, but he had peace of mind which lends itself to gratitude, acceptance, and joy. The meaning of this word in this context is... supernatural, and I cannot explain to you what it "feels" like to the senses. It is simply that when I am sad, I am at peace and this brings me joy.
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Mother Arguments... with myself.
Because I like to torture myself I am taking my little introverted self (who is also quite grumpy this morning) to the school so I can meet with other moms and build the set for Will's upcoming play. Wish me luck. I am terrified. I will put on my best "funny girl" face, and probably do a wonderful job of fooling everyone into thinking I'm "oh so funny and outgoing". Then I will spend the remainder of the day recovering, via nap, TV veg-out sessions, and oh, perhaps a run. Why do I do this to myself? I do it for my kids... (LOL please).
Oh yes, I wouldn't want them to be the kids of, "that woman, the one that won't talk to anyone" or "you know that grumpy lady with the chest tattoo". I would much rather they were the kids of, "that really funny chick". Since I'm capable of being quite charming and funny, that's the "me" I wear to these things... most of the time. Today I have to wear her since at Will's Valentine's poetry reading I was in charge of taking the class pictures, and I awkwardly stood with the sun to my back as the other parents ALL stood facing the sun. So there we were in a photography stand off, me vs. them. HOW awkward! I totally made up for it BY NOT TALKING TO ANYONE and leaving early. No, today I HAVE to ooze charm; even if it costs me the rest of my day... and then I hear logic and it sounds a lot like my husbands voice, "Annie, people don't care about you. They care about them. So long as you don't offend anyone they'll forget all about you." Hmmmm... I THINK I'd like that actually.
So let me get this right, if I can keep my darn foot out of my mouth, which is pretty hard for me, I don't have to be charming? "NO YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE CHARMING, you just have to NOT piss people off". Really? "yes, You weren't exactly charming to me when we first met and I fell in love with you" By the way, this conversation never happened. It's happening in my head, pulled from bits and pieces of 13 years worth of real conversations. He's right. The first thing I ever said to him boils down to, "you're ugly". Which was a lie. He had just gotten on my nerves with a cheesy come-on line. He is so weird. Bad example honey, you aren't normal. Most people would've hated me forever for that.
Okay, so now I feel sufficiently pepped up. Thanks to a conversation, with the husband, in my head. I will go to this thing and not be silent, and not be offensive. OH DAMNIT I'M DOOMED! I'm going to have to default to the oozing charm... *sigh*. But what will that teach my kids? To be popular is more important than being true to who you are? They won't be there, that's right. Do I opt or silence or steal the show? AAAAHHHHHHH.... I've become too adept at masking my introversion. It benefits me how? *sigh*
"Mom, can you come get me? I'm frozen" and that's my cue to stop blogging. There's a 5ft tween that needs to be rescued from his bed, and I still have to put on my cape (which looks a lot like an apron, but backwards and around my neck instead of my waist) before I head up there.
I just wanted my readers to see that all this being a Mom stuff can drive me insane... before my kids even get up in the morning. I hope you got a good laugh out of my inner debate...
Oh yes, I wouldn't want them to be the kids of, "that woman, the one that won't talk to anyone" or "you know that grumpy lady with the chest tattoo". I would much rather they were the kids of, "that really funny chick". Since I'm capable of being quite charming and funny, that's the "me" I wear to these things... most of the time. Today I have to wear her since at Will's Valentine's poetry reading I was in charge of taking the class pictures, and I awkwardly stood with the sun to my back as the other parents ALL stood facing the sun. So there we were in a photography stand off, me vs. them. HOW awkward! I totally made up for it BY NOT TALKING TO ANYONE and leaving early. No, today I HAVE to ooze charm; even if it costs me the rest of my day... and then I hear logic and it sounds a lot like my husbands voice, "Annie, people don't care about you. They care about them. So long as you don't offend anyone they'll forget all about you." Hmmmm... I THINK I'd like that actually.
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| What I'd like to be |
So let me get this right, if I can keep my darn foot out of my mouth, which is pretty hard for me, I don't have to be charming? "NO YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE CHARMING, you just have to NOT piss people off". Really? "yes, You weren't exactly charming to me when we first met and I fell in love with you" By the way, this conversation never happened. It's happening in my head, pulled from bits and pieces of 13 years worth of real conversations. He's right. The first thing I ever said to him boils down to, "you're ugly". Which was a lie. He had just gotten on my nerves with a cheesy come-on line. He is so weird. Bad example honey, you aren't normal. Most people would've hated me forever for that.
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| Self-Portrait... really. I drew this of myself. |
"Mom, can you come get me? I'm frozen" and that's my cue to stop blogging. There's a 5ft tween that needs to be rescued from his bed, and I still have to put on my cape (which looks a lot like an apron, but backwards and around my neck instead of my waist) before I head up there.
I just wanted my readers to see that all this being a Mom stuff can drive me insane... before my kids even get up in the morning. I hope you got a good laugh out of my inner debate...
Monday, March 5, 2012
Entitlement issues!
The bonus Army. Do you know it's history? Most people don't. I am going to over simplify it, but I have to in order to explain it. It was a group of WWI veterans who had been promised a bonus for their service. The Great Depression hits, they can't get jobs and their Bonus never comes. So they "occupy" Washington, and demand that the Pres. Hoover pays them what he owes them. He doesn't. Instead he unleashes the active duty army on them AND their families. Gen. MacArthur goes into their camp and tear gases the veterans, their wives and children, then burns down their camp. The immediate result, two infants and one veteran dead, 153 wounded.
The election of 2012 is on the horizon. I don't have all the answers, but given my INFJness I can see things as an entire picture. I can connect dots others can't and lately I'm finding myself getting frustrated with folks for not seeing through propaganda. This is what I see. I see ordinary voters dependent on gasoline, and hard up for cash shopping at Wal-Mart, and not understanding that so long as they continue life that way our military will be REQUIRED in order to get their gasoline. We have to compete with China for this precious oil. They use most of it to manufacture all of those plastic toys, and cheap clothes that Wal-Mart is supplied with. Since we, as a country, are dependent on China to keep our cash flow going, even if we all ride bikes everywhere our military will still be needed to be sure that oil is getting out of the Middle East.
Unemployment is quite the problem yet, in the name of budget cuts, the military is getting ready to Lay-Off 200,000 or so Soldiers, Air-men, Marines, and Sailors who will begin to compete for work with civilians. When this happens it will only worsen the unemployment problem. Some of these Veterans have serious injuries and/or PTSD, yet (if Obama's proposal is passed) they won't have the healthcare necessary to treat their physical and emotional injuries. There definitely need to be cuts, but I believe they should be in the arena of weapons development, and ceasing the purchasing of multi-billion dollar weapons and equipment that we never use, nor intend to use. That money is simply going to a politician's or politicians' pocket(s). Personnel aren't nearly as expensive, and it seems wise to keep these folks under the military's care, and on their payroll. Policy making such as this is destructive to American Society as a whole. I don't understand how people don't see that unemployed, unmedicated, untreated soldiers are a bad thing. It is a very bad thing for everyone, history has shown us that more than once.
I see us headed for another Great-Depression fueled by consumerism and ignorance. I still think it can be avoided, but we'd need to start putting money in the pockets of mom and pop shops FOR EVERYTHING. Traditionally mom and Pop operations hire workers faster, and pay better than box stores and chains, which is why they tend to be more expensive. This structure means that consumers are literally paying the wages of those in their own communities. This is unlike a box store (aka Wal-Mart) where only pennies of every dollar go to the employees/back into the community. I think that we need to reduce our use of gasoline, and buy American. This will, over time, give our country the ability to reduce it's military, in a way that isn't destructive to American society. This election is a very precarious one. I know little about the candidates as I write this, but I will learn as much as I can about each one regarding energy, economic, and military policy. WE ALL SHOULD.
I am so sick of hearing people spout off about political issues but then not live their life in line with their opinions. You have issues with war, fine I do too. Stop driving so much, buy American. You hate the establishment/banking system? Fine, I do too. Bank exclusively with a Credit Union, and DON'T USE CREDIT CARDS! You dispise big corporations? Me too, don't shop at Wal-mart, or any other box store. WE, the citizens of the United States of America are responsible for where our society is at the moment. WE wanted more for less, we wanted to drive our status, we wanted we wanted we wanted. Guess what, there is a price for everything and we are paying it now. Think it's sad your down town is empty? You did it. You stopped shopping there. The only way out is to want less. It is to take our money back from credit card companies (I.E. BIG BANKS), and box stores and give it instead to fellow citizens. You can't afford it? BULLSHIT. That's an excuse. I bet you'll be the first one to complain to me about our government and society. Excuse my anger, I've just let this build up over the course of years and I can barely take it at this point. We aren't entitled to ANYTHING. Cost of living is at all ALL TIME LOW in this country. A "poor" family in 2012 can afford MORE than the middle class family of the 1970's. You can afford to do with less. Even if you are "poor" by our standards today you have more than the average person just a generation ago.
WE HAVE THE POWER TO SHAPE OUR COUNTRY... We've shaped it into this, now we have to recognize and harness our power and reshape it. If you aren't interested in making the sacrifices necessary to get it where you want it...SHUT THE BLEEP UP! If I didn't already make the changes I mentioned I wouldn't write this post. We make a lot of sacrifices at our house, for YOU, for our country. ONLY one of which is being an Army family, and it is probably the least of them all.
The election of 2012 is on the horizon. I don't have all the answers, but given my INFJness I can see things as an entire picture. I can connect dots others can't and lately I'm finding myself getting frustrated with folks for not seeing through propaganda. This is what I see. I see ordinary voters dependent on gasoline, and hard up for cash shopping at Wal-Mart, and not understanding that so long as they continue life that way our military will be REQUIRED in order to get their gasoline. We have to compete with China for this precious oil. They use most of it to manufacture all of those plastic toys, and cheap clothes that Wal-Mart is supplied with. Since we, as a country, are dependent on China to keep our cash flow going, even if we all ride bikes everywhere our military will still be needed to be sure that oil is getting out of the Middle East.
Unemployment is quite the problem yet, in the name of budget cuts, the military is getting ready to Lay-Off 200,000 or so Soldiers, Air-men, Marines, and Sailors who will begin to compete for work with civilians. When this happens it will only worsen the unemployment problem. Some of these Veterans have serious injuries and/or PTSD, yet (if Obama's proposal is passed) they won't have the healthcare necessary to treat their physical and emotional injuries. There definitely need to be cuts, but I believe they should be in the arena of weapons development, and ceasing the purchasing of multi-billion dollar weapons and equipment that we never use, nor intend to use. That money is simply going to a politician's or politicians' pocket(s). Personnel aren't nearly as expensive, and it seems wise to keep these folks under the military's care, and on their payroll. Policy making such as this is destructive to American Society as a whole. I don't understand how people don't see that unemployed, unmedicated, untreated soldiers are a bad thing. It is a very bad thing for everyone, history has shown us that more than once.
I see us headed for another Great-Depression fueled by consumerism and ignorance. I still think it can be avoided, but we'd need to start putting money in the pockets of mom and pop shops FOR EVERYTHING. Traditionally mom and Pop operations hire workers faster, and pay better than box stores and chains, which is why they tend to be more expensive. This structure means that consumers are literally paying the wages of those in their own communities. This is unlike a box store (aka Wal-Mart) where only pennies of every dollar go to the employees/back into the community. I think that we need to reduce our use of gasoline, and buy American. This will, over time, give our country the ability to reduce it's military, in a way that isn't destructive to American society. This election is a very precarious one. I know little about the candidates as I write this, but I will learn as much as I can about each one regarding energy, economic, and military policy. WE ALL SHOULD.
I am so sick of hearing people spout off about political issues but then not live their life in line with their opinions. You have issues with war, fine I do too. Stop driving so much, buy American. You hate the establishment/banking system? Fine, I do too. Bank exclusively with a Credit Union, and DON'T USE CREDIT CARDS! You dispise big corporations? Me too, don't shop at Wal-mart, or any other box store. WE, the citizens of the United States of America are responsible for where our society is at the moment. WE wanted more for less, we wanted to drive our status, we wanted we wanted we wanted. Guess what, there is a price for everything and we are paying it now. Think it's sad your down town is empty? You did it. You stopped shopping there. The only way out is to want less. It is to take our money back from credit card companies (I.E. BIG BANKS), and box stores and give it instead to fellow citizens. You can't afford it? BULLSHIT. That's an excuse. I bet you'll be the first one to complain to me about our government and society. Excuse my anger, I've just let this build up over the course of years and I can barely take it at this point. We aren't entitled to ANYTHING. Cost of living is at all ALL TIME LOW in this country. A "poor" family in 2012 can afford MORE than the middle class family of the 1970's. You can afford to do with less. Even if you are "poor" by our standards today you have more than the average person just a generation ago.
WE HAVE THE POWER TO SHAPE OUR COUNTRY... We've shaped it into this, now we have to recognize and harness our power and reshape it. If you aren't interested in making the sacrifices necessary to get it where you want it...SHUT THE BLEEP UP! If I didn't already make the changes I mentioned I wouldn't write this post. We make a lot of sacrifices at our house, for YOU, for our country. ONLY one of which is being an Army family, and it is probably the least of them all.
Homeschool debate DECIDED
So, I have already stated that Casey an I have decided to homeschool Cooper, and perhaps eventually Willem too. I simply wanted to provide a link to the co-op we are planning on becoming a part of. It offers Spanish, Latin, Biology, Physics (with LABS), and AP Classes for high school. They don't seem to offer English classes which is fine for us because I am a licensed English Teacher after all. This just proves that there ARE alternatives to Public Education that provide BETTER learning environments and equal opportunities for kids. I plan on offering my expertise; for kids with Dyslexia, literary analysis, and writing (both creative and research). Hopefully, I can teach a few reading and writing workshops for the older kids who are getting ready for college. If not, that'll be fine too. The Williamsburg Classical Community Academy is the name of the Co-op. If this isn't to my liking (which from the course descriptions I think it will be) I will start my own. Roughly 30$ a class, per month. Really, not bad AT ALL!
I encourage you to look into this type of setting as a viable option for your own children. Public Education is becoming less and less educational every year. We all need to remain invested in the state of our public schools regardless, as they are churning out the majority of our work force. However, in order to begin effecting change we need to stop accepting public school as the ONLY option. There is absolutely nothing wrong with parents coming together to provide their talents and knowledge to teach a group of children. Most of these parents are qualified, much as I am, to provide these kids with a QUALITY education, and they don't have the machine crushing them with silly requirements that take great teachers and ruin them. If you don't believe it's happening, read this article... His story isn't an anomaly, it is the story of every teacher in every classroom in the US. It was my story. It has been the story of every teacher my sons have ever had. I have had enough, and want BETTER for myself and my sons, and I looked until I found it. If you can't find the "better", be the "better".
I encourage you to look into this type of setting as a viable option for your own children. Public Education is becoming less and less educational every year. We all need to remain invested in the state of our public schools regardless, as they are churning out the majority of our work force. However, in order to begin effecting change we need to stop accepting public school as the ONLY option. There is absolutely nothing wrong with parents coming together to provide their talents and knowledge to teach a group of children. Most of these parents are qualified, much as I am, to provide these kids with a QUALITY education, and they don't have the machine crushing them with silly requirements that take great teachers and ruin them. If you don't believe it's happening, read this article... His story isn't an anomaly, it is the story of every teacher in every classroom in the US. It was my story. It has been the story of every teacher my sons have ever had. I have had enough, and want BETTER for myself and my sons, and I looked until I found it. If you can't find the "better", be the "better".
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
What Dyslexia Looks Like
Well, we have officially decided to homeschool Cooper. Casey wants to participate in teaching Cooper Science. In essence both of us will work to educate him. Will, however, will remain at public school a while longer. I have worked long and hard to get him an IEP and want to be sure he has a chance to function in the school setting with proper supports before I make any decisions about home schooling him, not to mention he is quite the EXTROVERT, and I don't think he'd thrive at home. I would like to keep him in a classroom setting for as long as possible. However, given his dyslexia and giftedness I am open to finding ways to allow him to co-learn at home. I am after all the most qualified professional in his life to deal with his complex educational profile. On some levels it just stinks that I am his mom.
Anyway, today I really wanted to show my readers what dyslexia LOOKS like. I talk about it, but unless you see it you have no idea. My hope is that this little exposure increases awareness, after all this was my passion long before my son was diagnosed. In fact he may still be un-diagnosed if this weren't my passion.
Below is a letter he wrote to us. As you can see from his teacher's comment, this is an example of his BEST work. You will find a translation (corrected spelling, but not punctuation- lack of awareness of punctuation is a part of dyslexia) at the end of each page of the letter. Oh, and he is nearly 9 and in 2nd grade (He should be in 3rd grade. I demanded that he repeat 1st grade, long story.) For those of you who don't know him, he is INCREDIBLY bright. We thought he'd surely be in the gifted class, as he was putting together large puzzles with no difficulty as a toddler. He is articulate, creative, and can execute math problems far above his grade level. He frequently discusses theological and philosophical ideas that most adults cannot grasp, yet this is his best writing.
"Once there was a person that wanted to be mean and called me a fatty and when I got. Home I felt bad so I worked out a lot until I was as skinny as a ???? my friends helped me feel better but it still did
Not work the next day I woke up and kind of showed my muscles and the person called me fat. I just walked away and made a club called (no mean club) so when. The person came I let him in checked for any mean tools he had none so I kept an eye on that guy."
"and then he. Then tried to hurt kids so I telled him to get out but he said "no" so I throw him out of the club. And to never come back so he did what I said.
and never came back. I felt happy that I stopped the person from being mean to other people and meand he never ever was mean to anyone again. And that was that and that person was never mean again and I also stopped that person from being a bully and he started a new life and was nice and not mean so he became my friend and I reminded him not to be."
Again, this is some of his best work. As you see there are reversals, but the reversals are a symptom. You can put cute little "b","d","p","q" visuals up all you want, but it won't help. That, in and of itself, is akin to learning by osmosis for him and any other dyslexic for that matter. The bigger picture is his lack of awareness of the functioning of letters, phonemes (which are letter combos that make certain sounds like "th"), and sentence structure. His brain is not only NOT hard wired for this information, it is wired counter to being able to understand these concepts. This means manually inputting this information into his brain and reconstructing his synapses. Yep, Call me brain reconstructor. He doesn't understand the squiggle that looks like "q" makes the "qua" sound or that the little symbol that looks like "p" makes the "pee" sound. Which is why he reverses them. He doesn't get the idea that a "." means the end of a written idea. The correlation between spoken and written word doesn't exist for him or other dyslexics. This is a kid that at 8 could add and subtract 2 and 3 digit numbers, gets general concepts of things like the "string theory" and frequently asks deep theological questions. He is incredibly bright. Dyslexia occurs only in people with average, to (more often than not) above average intelligence. Einstein and Edison come to mind. Yep they were dyslexic.
One thing I fear about him in public school is that like the two men I just mentioned, my son will be cast off as being of below average intelligence because of his poor spelling and grammar. Worse yet, if he doesn't receive proper interventions he will continue to learn to read far after the school has him reading to learn. He will lose out on information needed to build his basis of knowledge in subjects like social studies and science, not because he CAN'T learn it, but because it isn't delivered to him in a fashion that is efficient for his brain. He will fall behind and be placed in lower track classes. I saw this far too often as a teacher; kids who fall grade levels behind, but are as intelligent, if not more intelligent than their peers. This one little dirty word is why. It isn't recognized by IDEA or NCLB as a disability in and of itself. Instead it gets classified as "written expression" or "reading comprehension" and schools treat the symptoms and not the problem. I have worked with several kids one on one to "reconstruct" their synapses so that they might, when they were done with me go out on their own WITHOUT an IEP or a crutch and be able to function to their IQ. Heck, I taught my son to read, I had to pull him out of school to do it. I still work with him on spelling, but these brains need intensive sessions. They need to be pushed to the point of hurting, literally, which is why it's a curse that his mother is his best resource. I guess I hope that this gets out there for two reasons: 1.) so parents who think there is something just not quite right with "johnny" or "jane" can look at this and say, that's my kid. Then they'd have a place to start looking. 2.) So myths that educators cling to can be debunked and students' true issues can be addressed.
Also, wasn't his letter BEAUTIFUL! What a beautiful little lion of a soul he has. If I didn't have so much practice reading this kadiwompus writing I may never have decoded the hidden message. He is a writer, an author, with important things to say. It is OUR responsibility to be sure all kids are given the tools to communicate their messages to the world!
P.S. WORLD, he is built like an ADONIS! He could be the son of Hercules or Beowulf. He is about as much of a "fatty" as a Hanes underwear model!
Anyway, today I really wanted to show my readers what dyslexia LOOKS like. I talk about it, but unless you see it you have no idea. My hope is that this little exposure increases awareness, after all this was my passion long before my son was diagnosed. In fact he may still be un-diagnosed if this weren't my passion.
Below is a letter he wrote to us. As you can see from his teacher's comment, this is an example of his BEST work. You will find a translation (corrected spelling, but not punctuation- lack of awareness of punctuation is a part of dyslexia) at the end of each page of the letter. Oh, and he is nearly 9 and in 2nd grade (He should be in 3rd grade. I demanded that he repeat 1st grade, long story.) For those of you who don't know him, he is INCREDIBLY bright. We thought he'd surely be in the gifted class, as he was putting together large puzzles with no difficulty as a toddler. He is articulate, creative, and can execute math problems far above his grade level. He frequently discusses theological and philosophical ideas that most adults cannot grasp, yet this is his best writing.
"Once there was a person that wanted to be mean and called me a fatty and when I got. Home I felt bad so I worked out a lot until I was as skinny as a ???? my friends helped me feel better but it still did
Not work the next day I woke up and kind of showed my muscles and the person called me fat. I just walked away and made a club called (no mean club) so when. The person came I let him in checked for any mean tools he had none so I kept an eye on that guy."
"and then he. Then tried to hurt kids so I telled him to get out but he said "no" so I throw him out of the club. And to never come back so he did what I said.
and never came back. I felt happy that I stopped the person from being mean to other people and meand he never ever was mean to anyone again. And that was that and that person was never mean again and I also stopped that person from being a bully and he started a new life and was nice and not mean so he became my friend and I reminded him not to be."
Again, this is some of his best work. As you see there are reversals, but the reversals are a symptom. You can put cute little "b","d","p","q" visuals up all you want, but it won't help. That, in and of itself, is akin to learning by osmosis for him and any other dyslexic for that matter. The bigger picture is his lack of awareness of the functioning of letters, phonemes (which are letter combos that make certain sounds like "th"), and sentence structure. His brain is not only NOT hard wired for this information, it is wired counter to being able to understand these concepts. This means manually inputting this information into his brain and reconstructing his synapses. Yep, Call me brain reconstructor. He doesn't understand the squiggle that looks like "q" makes the "qua" sound or that the little symbol that looks like "p" makes the "pee" sound. Which is why he reverses them. He doesn't get the idea that a "." means the end of a written idea. The correlation between spoken and written word doesn't exist for him or other dyslexics. This is a kid that at 8 could add and subtract 2 and 3 digit numbers, gets general concepts of things like the "string theory" and frequently asks deep theological questions. He is incredibly bright. Dyslexia occurs only in people with average, to (more often than not) above average intelligence. Einstein and Edison come to mind. Yep they were dyslexic.
One thing I fear about him in public school is that like the two men I just mentioned, my son will be cast off as being of below average intelligence because of his poor spelling and grammar. Worse yet, if he doesn't receive proper interventions he will continue to learn to read far after the school has him reading to learn. He will lose out on information needed to build his basis of knowledge in subjects like social studies and science, not because he CAN'T learn it, but because it isn't delivered to him in a fashion that is efficient for his brain. He will fall behind and be placed in lower track classes. I saw this far too often as a teacher; kids who fall grade levels behind, but are as intelligent, if not more intelligent than their peers. This one little dirty word is why. It isn't recognized by IDEA or NCLB as a disability in and of itself. Instead it gets classified as "written expression" or "reading comprehension" and schools treat the symptoms and not the problem. I have worked with several kids one on one to "reconstruct" their synapses so that they might, when they were done with me go out on their own WITHOUT an IEP or a crutch and be able to function to their IQ. Heck, I taught my son to read, I had to pull him out of school to do it. I still work with him on spelling, but these brains need intensive sessions. They need to be pushed to the point of hurting, literally, which is why it's a curse that his mother is his best resource. I guess I hope that this gets out there for two reasons: 1.) so parents who think there is something just not quite right with "johnny" or "jane" can look at this and say, that's my kid. Then they'd have a place to start looking. 2.) So myths that educators cling to can be debunked and students' true issues can be addressed.
Also, wasn't his letter BEAUTIFUL! What a beautiful little lion of a soul he has. If I didn't have so much practice reading this kadiwompus writing I may never have decoded the hidden message. He is a writer, an author, with important things to say. It is OUR responsibility to be sure all kids are given the tools to communicate their messages to the world!
P.S. WORLD, he is built like an ADONIS! He could be the son of Hercules or Beowulf. He is about as much of a "fatty" as a Hanes underwear model!
Friday, February 10, 2012
It takes more
It takes more than
a mother to
raise a child and it
takes more than
a mother to fail a child.
It takes a community,
a village,
an Army of acquaintances an
an Army of choosing
silence or action.
of Choosing apathy
or offering. An Army of "do you need"s and
"would you like"s A tribe of smiles, and open
arms help build steps and platforms
for children to climb above
the hurt, and the anger. The debris of rejection.
So, if a child fails do not blame the mother.
The face of the abuser is the abused.
The hands that committed the crime were
first the hands of a victim
asking, "where was my Army"?
Children, like moths, flock to the light. If only a few had
the courage shine for them.
If not, the darkness will grow inside of them until they are darkness looking
exterminate that which makes them remember
they were unworthy
of
being
RAISED
above the
debris.
a mother to
raise a child and it
takes more than
a mother to fail a child.
It takes a community,
a village,
an Army of acquaintances an
an Army of choosing
silence or action.
of Choosing apathy
or offering. An Army of "do you need"s and
"would you like"s A tribe of smiles, and open
arms help build steps and platforms
for children to climb above
the hurt, and the anger. The debris of rejection.
So, if a child fails do not blame the mother.
The face of the abuser is the abused.
The hands that committed the crime were
first the hands of a victim
asking, "where was my Army"?
Children, like moths, flock to the light. If only a few had
the courage shine for them.
If not, the darkness will grow inside of them until they are darkness looking
exterminate that which makes them remember
they were unworthy
of
being
RAISED
above the
debris.
Thursday, February 9, 2012
Enough
I am terrified. Terrified of what I think God expects of me. Terrified that I will fail him, but more terrified that he is right about me. The Lyrics of "The Summons" (I included vs 1,2,4) brought me to tears a few weeks ago. Perhaps I was intuiting that he was about to give me the opportunity to fulfill those expectations.
Will you come and follow me if I but call your name?
Will you go where you don't know and never be the same?
Will you let my love be shown? Will you let my name be known,
will you let my life be grown in you and you in me?
Will you leave yourself behind if I but call your name?
Will you care for cruel and kind and never be the same?
Will you risk the hostile stare should your life attract or scare?
Will you let me answer prayer in you and you in me?
Will you come and follow me if I but call your name?
Will you go where you don't know and never be the same?
Will you let my love be shown? Will you let my name be known,
will you let my life be grown in you and you in me?
Will you leave yourself behind if I but call your name?
Will you care for cruel and kind and never be the same?
Will you risk the hostile stare should your life attract or scare?
Will you let me answer prayer in you and you in me?
Will you love the "you" you hide if I but call your name?
Will you quell the fear inside and never be the same?
Will you use the faith you've found to reshape the world around,
through my sight and touch and sound in you and you in me?
Will you quell the fear inside and never be the same?
Will you use the faith you've found to reshape the world around,
through my sight and touch and sound in you and you in me?
I guess my terror comes from the fear that my intuition might be right. If God is right about me, what I have NOT been giving of myself all this time that I didn't believe Him? I think surrendering is where the tears come from. I am so sorry, to all those I could've helped and didn't, and that I've not been giving enough of myself.
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
TO HONOR AND CHERISH... MY declaration to self.
I took the Myers-Briggs II yesterday. Not because I'm curious about what "Type" I am, I'm an INFJ. I know what that means (see Page and yes, I have spidey senses perhaps someday I'll be brave enough to devote a page to them). Not because a type DEFINES you, it doesn't, but because it is a resource, a lens to view how I prefer to interact with the world, Since I have a great idea of what my preferences are, I had the luxury of using this Indicator to see if I was honoring my preferences. I needed to know where I wasn't being true to myself. I feel disjointed, out of sorts. I'm not reacting to situations in ways that sit well with me. I'm acting out of character, and until yesterday I didn't know why. I won't bore anyone with the details. Instead, the following is my declaration.
I have a tender heart. Intolerance, insensitivity, rudeness, ESPECIALLY when not directed at me HURTS me. It makes me sad, for you. That most definitely doesn't mean I don't like you. I DO LIKE YOU (I like pretty much everyone, and find the best in people). In fact I'd like to help you, because I know you do it because you are unhappy. It just means I can't be around you often. It means I'm here to help you when you are ready to find happiness. I need to guard my heart a bit, from negativity so that I can keep it soft and tender for those that need tenderness. Just because I don't let you in, doesn't mean you are locked out. I need to be sure I feel safe with friends, and those in my life so that I can be free to use what is probably one of my greatest gifts without shame or fear whenever the need arises. I haven't had the easiest life, so I am already a little too sparing with it as it is. When I guard my tenderness, I become VERY hard and cold (with people close to me I can seem this way anyway because I have high expectations for them... though never as high as the expectations I have for myself). I'm not hard or cold, and It hurts me when I treat others this way.
Next, I am NOT logical. Sure I have great logical thinking skills, but I make decisions FIRST, based on my intuituion, and then search for logic to support them so that I can defend my choices to others. Some times i don't even know why make the choices i make, i just know it is the RIGHT choice. that can be very frustrating for a person with great skills in logic! In all honesty, I've made pretty much EVERY decision in my life based on feelings and personal values, and I LOVE MY LIFE! When I try too hard to be logical I end up being grouchy, because in many situations the logical choice goes against my intuition, and what I FEEL I should do. Like adoption for instance, or my decision to marry my husband, or to keep my baby, to join the Army... Pretty much none of my favorite choices have been the logical choice. I just KNOW what is right for me. I much prefer to interact with people, make decisions etc. in ways that are personal and in line with what I believe, not based on what makes logical sense. When I'm not true to this preference I only end up feeling sorry for myself for not following my heart. I project this self pity, by lashing out in anger, at whoever I think is at fault (usually my husband because some how everything is his fault ;) LOL). When I follow my brain instead of my heart I get SUPER out of wack, because while I'm good at logical thinking, I pretty much suck at logical functioning... This is probably the area of second most concern for me.
Finally, I NEED structure, routine, efficiency, concrete expectations and plans. I actually crave it. I am NOT a go with the flow type. I sure would like to be. Everyone likes them better. ;) However, probably due to some childhood things, I have never learned to do this for myself. I suck at deadlines, I don't know how to implement structure and routine for myself. It's VERY hard for me. So if I seem to be totally unavailable for weeks or months its probably because I am avoiding distractions while I attempt to give myself something I desperately need... STRUCTURE. This Army Wife life only makes it that much harder (this is where that logical thinking is great. Otherwise the Army's lack of efficiency might make me even crazier than the lack of schedule already does!). However, I'm a terrific planner. Give me a PCS move or a hurricane and I will really shine! So this is my declaration of truth to myself. These are things I need to honor within myself. If don't, I worry I'll become a cold, hard, grouchy, moody, lazy, unorganized and distant person who never achieves her dreams or uses her God given gifts.
I have a tender heart. Intolerance, insensitivity, rudeness, ESPECIALLY when not directed at me HURTS me. It makes me sad, for you. That most definitely doesn't mean I don't like you. I DO LIKE YOU (I like pretty much everyone, and find the best in people). In fact I'd like to help you, because I know you do it because you are unhappy. It just means I can't be around you often. It means I'm here to help you when you are ready to find happiness. I need to guard my heart a bit, from negativity so that I can keep it soft and tender for those that need tenderness. Just because I don't let you in, doesn't mean you are locked out. I need to be sure I feel safe with friends, and those in my life so that I can be free to use what is probably one of my greatest gifts without shame or fear whenever the need arises. I haven't had the easiest life, so I am already a little too sparing with it as it is. When I guard my tenderness, I become VERY hard and cold (with people close to me I can seem this way anyway because I have high expectations for them... though never as high as the expectations I have for myself). I'm not hard or cold, and It hurts me when I treat others this way.
Next, I am NOT logical. Sure I have great logical thinking skills, but I make decisions FIRST, based on my intuituion, and then search for logic to support them so that I can defend my choices to others. Some times i don't even know why make the choices i make, i just know it is the RIGHT choice. that can be very frustrating for a person with great skills in logic! In all honesty, I've made pretty much EVERY decision in my life based on feelings and personal values, and I LOVE MY LIFE! When I try too hard to be logical I end up being grouchy, because in many situations the logical choice goes against my intuition, and what I FEEL I should do. Like adoption for instance, or my decision to marry my husband, or to keep my baby, to join the Army... Pretty much none of my favorite choices have been the logical choice. I just KNOW what is right for me. I much prefer to interact with people, make decisions etc. in ways that are personal and in line with what I believe, not based on what makes logical sense. When I'm not true to this preference I only end up feeling sorry for myself for not following my heart. I project this self pity, by lashing out in anger, at whoever I think is at fault (usually my husband because some how everything is his fault ;) LOL). When I follow my brain instead of my heart I get SUPER out of wack, because while I'm good at logical thinking, I pretty much suck at logical functioning... This is probably the area of second most concern for me.
Finally, I NEED structure, routine, efficiency, concrete expectations and plans. I actually crave it. I am NOT a go with the flow type. I sure would like to be. Everyone likes them better. ;) However, probably due to some childhood things, I have never learned to do this for myself. I suck at deadlines, I don't know how to implement structure and routine for myself. It's VERY hard for me. So if I seem to be totally unavailable for weeks or months its probably because I am avoiding distractions while I attempt to give myself something I desperately need... STRUCTURE. This Army Wife life only makes it that much harder (this is where that logical thinking is great. Otherwise the Army's lack of efficiency might make me even crazier than the lack of schedule already does!). However, I'm a terrific planner. Give me a PCS move or a hurricane and I will really shine! So this is my declaration of truth to myself. These are things I need to honor within myself. If don't, I worry I'll become a cold, hard, grouchy, moody, lazy, unorganized and distant person who never achieves her dreams or uses her God given gifts.
Friday, February 3, 2012
My Promise
| An American Journalist once asked Mohandas Ghandi a question . The American jouranlist asked Ghandi, "What is your opinion of American civilization?" Ghandi smiled and replied to the American journalist, "I think it would be an excellent idea". Ghandi understood the term "Civilization" in all it's true depth, in a way most American's don't. Root word Civil: of or pertaining to the people or their benefit. The one word repeated in the following definitons of civilization is "INTELLECTUAL".civ·i·li·za·tion (s  v  -l-z  shn)
n.
1. An advanced state of intellectual, cultural, and material development in human society, marked by progress in the arts and sciences, the extensive use of record-keeping, including writing, and the appearance of complex political and social institutions.
2. The type of culture and society developed by a particular nation or region or in a particular epoch: Mayan civilization; the civilization of ancient Rome.
3. The act or process of civilizing or reaching a civilized state.
4. Cultural or intellectual refinement; good taste.
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| I see this when most people see... |
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| This... "McMansions" |
I hope now to give my beautiful flowers, of laughter, encouragement, acceptance, and love to EVERYONE not simply those that share my vision of the world. I hope also, that in giving my flowers, I will plant seeds that this life is more than existing in an animal like state, more than who did what to who, more than what you have. It's more than being a robot consumer that is slave to advertising. This is YOUR life. This life is what you DO, what you learn, and who you shower love upon. It's about being people centered, not things centered. It's about thinking about what you do, and how it effects other people, and the planet. It is about whether or not you evolve so that you too have beautiful flowers of laughter, encouragement, love, and acceptance to give to others. It starts with me. My example of tolerance, love, and acceptance is the voice of my concern. My hostility would only continue to foster an "us" and "them" attitude. This isn't high school anymore. I must be growth I want to see, because a civilization built up on things, and not upon the intellect of it's people is hardly a civilization. MY PROMISE to those I once called "lemmings", I will listen; my love WILL be enough. I will make it so...
v-l
zd)
adj.
1. Having a highly developed society and culture.
2. Showing evidence of moral and intellectual advancement; humane, ethical, and reasonable
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