weirdness

After feeling like I've been running underwater for a week, it was a nice change this morning to feel unharnessed. I haven't felt like my old running self in a long time. This morning was a close as I've come. I almost took my hair down, and outstretched my arms, Laura Ingles style, but I refrained. Today I longed to run a fall marathon. I want to so badly, I don't have a goal time... just the desire to finish. IT's a rite of passage. I'm not a real runner if I don't, right? It's all I want. I love everything about the fall marathon. Pink, green, red, black and orange to start. Live music. bananas and beer at the finish. crunchy leaves wisping around the trampled water cups in the street. They guy with the long beard and the pony tail (come on every marathon has one of those guys, and he's usually wearing a loud mismatched outfit). I love all of it, down to the foil blanket and massage tent at the end! *sigh*

race reflections

In the month since I last posted I have run a couple of races. Some went well. Some were a disaster. Saturday I ran a personal worst in the 5k by 30 seconds. Sure, I was upset. Okay, lets be honest. I really wasn't "upset", like crying my eyes out upset, I was frustrated. To be even more frank, I was only frustrated because the girl that beat me was caddy about it. Even that frustration would've been short lived had Casey not been there. Of course I wanted to win, and to run a PR, but when it didn't happen my initial response was "oh well, I'll have a better day next time. This is just a piddly 5k race, better here than somewhere important!" Since everyone else seemed so upset I felt guilty for not caring more.

Then came the storm of accusations from an over invested husband, and the smirks from the winner. Of course at this point, so close to my so called "failure", I started to think I was a weirdo for not caring more. Shouldn't I be fierce always? Wouldn't a "good" runner get pissed, and maybe throw their shoes. Maybe I should find some shoes to throw. It felt wierd that Casey was so much more disappointed in me than I was. I started to think I didn't care about being good anymore. Maybe I was burned out and didn't know it. Then I watched the boys run the kids race.

Cooper finished near the front with the 9 and 10 year olds and didn't even notice his accomplishment. All he cared about was getting the free sucker, and gatorade. Sir Willem finished near the back (but was one of the youngest kids in the race). When he crossed the line he said, "Mommy I winnded. I get phree dollars!" Their place in the pack didn't mean nearly as much to them, as their PERSONAL performance. They were so cute with their numbers and ferocious race faces! Their fiercness ended when the race did.

That's when I realized I am the same way. I am not burned out. I am a fierce competitor, but when the race ends my life begins again. It occured to me that many of us forget what it's about. I'm not a weirdo for not throwing my shoes like a baby. I just love to run. For me winning is a bonus. If I have a bad day, it's just another day. Don't kid yourself. I am intense. I am hard on myself. I do an inventory and make changes, but I also wipe it off. I'd prefere to just forget about it and move on to the next one.

As for Saturday? My place and time may have sucked, but I am still proud of my performance. It would've been easy to quit for a lot of reasons: no one would ever see that slow time next to my name, I felt like crap, and it would've save the heartache second place seems to cause. I didn't quit. I didn't make excuses. I finished it, and it was totally worth it. The course was beautiful, the race was well run, and I still made 100$. The Sun's mellow morning light was reflecting off the Rock River. The trees formed an illuminated canopy I lost myself in, in order to forget the pain. My legs may have been jello. They may have been moving in slow motion, but I'd love to run this race again. I would say this performance was better than my BiX performance because I put a lot more effort into this one. If I only ran these races because I thought I'd always win, I would get burned out. I run these races because I love to run, and that's why I'll be around for a long time!

FOREVER

It's been forever since I've written. I am working full time again. This time though, it's not too demanding. I ran Bix 7. It went pretty well, there's always room for improvement, 42:19. I am just rediculously happy to have a community in which to train. It makes a huge difference. I recently revisit this Whitman poem:

I Saw in Louisiana a Live-Oak Growing

I saw in Louisiana a live-oak growing,
All alone stood it and the moss hung down from the branches,
Without any companion it stood there uttering joyous leaves of dark green,
And its look, rude, unbending, lusty, made me think of myself,
But I wondered how it could utter joyous leaves standing alone there
without its friend near, for I knew I could not,
And I broke off a twig with a certain number of leaves upon it,
and twined around it a little moss,
And brought it away, and I have placed it in sight in my room,
It is not needed to remind me as of my own dear friends,
(For I believe lately I think of little else than of them,)
Yet it remains to me a curious token, it makes me think of manly love;
For all that, and though the live-oak glistens there in Louisiana
solitary in a wide flat space,
Uttering joyous leaves all its life without a friend or lover near,
I know very well I could not.

-- Walt Whitman
Pretty well somes it up.

Who needs cheerleaders

Okay. I'm venting. I ran my first 10k. My fitness is about where I expected it to be for being back at it for 2 months (36:44). I tried to talk to casey about my goals and my quest to build my confidence in my ability to achieve them! Jenny's tuesday night group has been a miracle for me! It has given me a support network and accountability, both of which I need desperately. I thought winning saturday, and the respectable time would be a great segway to a conversation with Casey in which I set an expectation of his support. Man was I wrong. I tried to tell him that my road time would be competitive in many venues; what an excellent resource tuesday night was, how I wish he'd be more verbally supportive of me. I got, "it's a down time for running right now." What a dick head thing to say. That comment totally discounted my effort, and sabotaged my efforts to build confidence! It's not like him either; to be so calloused. I of course wasn't going to stand for that kind of talk so I defended myself. I didn't get anywhere. I think it boils down to the fact that he wants to move next year, and I want to stay for my running. Not to mention that he still resents his lack of opportunity to achieve his goals in college! So my pursuits are salt in a wound, but seriously GET OVER IT! I want the spouse that goes to the races with a poster board that says, "GO MOMMY GO!" and get's the kids involved. i don't think I'll ever get that. However, I would settle for the spouse that says, "hey way to go. how'd you feel." When I call after a race. Anything would be better then, "alrighty, nice job. talk to you later." An empty response to something I put so much of myself into! But who needs cheerleaders anyway. Right?

an oldie but it fits here

This is from December of 2006 (When I was still teaching!). What I say seems to fit the theme of this blog so I wanted to post it here!

"Today I recieved a batch of little yellow notes from the psychology class. They explained why the students had picked me to be the reciepient of their admiration. Of course they made me feel good. However, they provided me with a great deal of insight, into myself and the broader world, that I didn't expect.

First of all, they all said the same things. I came to understand that in my students eyes Mrs. Gasway = positivity, energy, enthusiasm, randomness, fun, passion, authenticity, and individuality. These are qualities I aspire to possess so I'm glad that others have percieved me as such. That was a much needed affirmation. It did make me think if Annie, mommy, wife, and all my other selves possess at least a few of these qualities. I don't know. I don't get little yellow notes from my husband, children, or aquantances. I began to wonder what qualities my critics notes would highlight, and what color would they be? Then I thought about all the other teachers notes and how they were impacted by them. Finally, the students, did they take this assignment seriously, or was it just a gotta-get-it-done sorta thing. It doesn't matter, I just always wonder that. I'm a teacher!

What would life be like if we were assessed regularly on the perceptions others had of us. What if we could get in writing some sort of run down of the qualities others see in us. Would we be any more motivated to be better human beings?

To me the notes were an affirmation that I am the person I aspire to be, and I do embody the qualities I strive to represent. It's nice to know I'm actually hitting the target, and not just thinking I am. So many of us think we know who we are until we find out the collective perception of us is much different from our perception of ourself. Really we are only what other's think we are until we prove otherwise, and still we are only what others think we are.

It's easy to say "I don't care what other's think". You should care enough that you can use public perception of who you are to gage if you're hitting your mark. However, you shouldn't let what other's think persuade you to be someone you dont WANT to be.

Besides, most of the time when people say, "I don't care what other people think of me." What they should be saying is, "I don't care if other people like me." Because, unless you're selling something, you shouldn't care if people like you or not. Little yellow notes aren't really momento's of approval. They're insight into the collective perception of you.

babble

< this is an old friend of mine!


Well, nothing of significance has occured lately. The Indy Mini was won in a low 1;16. That's wriggling under my skin. A little extra motivation. I know I'm not fit enough to run that right now. Focus on the task at hand (Just keep saying it annie). My steeplechase record was only a few hundredths of a second from being broken. I guess it's about time. It's been 6 years, and it wasn't all that great to begin with! It'll still piss me off when it happens though, I am competitive. Yesterday I drove to my parents to visit, run, and drop off Sir Willem (who couldn't have been happier to be rid of me).

The run was amazing. The leaves glowing above me. The wind seemed to poke holes in my skin and rush through me. My favorite hills greeted me with a warm welcome, and I responded with even strides. Everything seemed to flow together. We found half of a deer skeleton, mainly the spine. That was an interesting statement to me of the temporary state of living. Carpe Diem right? You never know when you'll be a carcass. We're all just bones underneath, and many of us forget to live while we are alive. It's what we do with our bones while there is still marrow flowing through them that matters. On a less serious note, the llamas were out on the route. They always make me laugh. I was hoping they'd be feeling frisky enough to chase me so that all their neck fur would bounce up and down. It's the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen, bouncing llama fur. They have such long necks too. I have been known to take a laughing break for the llamas on occasion. Cooper still talks about it!

Speaking of Cooper... On the dark ride home Cooper kept me company. He has an old soul. It makes him intriguing, and his presence addictive. He opened up about his new school, speaking only in metaphor (gee wonder where he gets that from!) He said the kids sometimes make him feel like they're all "Puppies at the bowl and he gets popped out to stand alone until they scatter. When they leave and I go to the bowl there's nothing left". He said, "they just don't know I'm a good leader mom" Hummmmm. What do you say to a six year old who tells you this? I told him something about how good leaders don't worry about being followed, because they know that someday it'll happen. They have belief in themselves, you're only 6 blah blah blah... He has such an old soul that many times he leaves me feeling like a child.

unhinged

quotes,
"Mommy no grown ups are at the playground. No one would see you playing with us so you could act like a kid. You know you have a kid inside you don't you."
"mine eyes are melting"
"It's wake up time. Make me some lunch"
"Cooper are you hearing voices again?"
"What's your super power?"
"Don't go in there! The One tooth monkey will get you!"
"mommy you look like a boy when you are running"
"I'm shaking my bottom at you!"
"Look at me I'm yours old granny!" (pants up to his nipples)
"jellycreamers!"
"holy chicago" "holy mayonnaise"
Of course there's spontaneous accapella renditions of "409" and "Day Oh"
"brother love"
"kuckoburra code"
"Sorry boys, I can't hear you. The music in mommyland is awfully loud!"

Once upon a supermarket fit
"Little boy you look upset. Do you want me to help you find your mommy?" You are my mommy. "I'm sorry but I've never seen you before today." YOUS ARES MY MOMMY! "Nope I'm sorry. My little boy never yells at me." (tiny laughter) Mommy it's me bwennan Wiw wam gwasway" You look a lot like my son. Oh how I miss him. He was eatten by a one tooth monkey you know!" Siwwy no I wasn't I'm wight heow. (In the dramatic fashion of a silent movie damsel) "Oh it couldn't be! Willem is that really you! Oh how I've missed you so!" (Big hug)