announcement

Alrighty... so that my intensity seems well placed I must first tell you some goals that I've kept hidden away.... One, to qualify for the Olympic trials in the marathon (A standard), two to run a sub 1:15 half-marathon this year. Last year I ran a 1:18 half with very very minimal speed workouts and 45 miles a week training peak. So these goals seemed realistic... SEEMED... (I am venting again...)

Over the last few months these goals went from being great motivators to a complete driving force from my internal motor. I am a woman possessed. Just before Detroit I found out that KC was getting a job and I would be able to quit teaching and up my mileage to a reasonable 80-100 per week. I was ready to break 2:45 at Detroit, a modest time for myself I thought, then Bronchitis set in. Being asthmatic it pretty much screwed me. DNF was next to my name at the end instead of 2:43 something or other. I was a little upset but not really, after all shit happens and I was about to begin real training.

December I quit my job, Bronchitis again this time for three weeks. I finally get over it, resume modest training and wham... a mysterious calf thingy in February, as well as no hubby to babysit and $ for daycare. Here I am March 2nd Calf healing and then today...

In February I decided I couldn't just sit idly around losing fitness. Although I had but 300$ to my name I drove 40 miles to the Y and joined ($124). They had a pool, ellipticals, free babysitting. I was good to go. For the last three weeks I have driven the 40 miles (one way) to work out for 1 to 2 hours 5 days a week (tae bo tape on weekend) through snow storms and ice storms (it is northern Indiana after all). I've gone no matter what, completely undaunted by any obstacle. Then today happened.

I started working part-time for my mom to pay for my gas. Today I left with Willem and drove the 40 minutes. The Roads were treacherous. I passed three slide-offs and one nasty accident. (like I said a woman possessed) When we arrived the daycare doors were locked. I looked at my watch, I should've had an hour at least. I go to the front desk and wait for a while for someone to acknowledge me and ask my question. I was wrong. It closed an hour before I thought it did. I argued, "no I was misinformed by you, so what are you going to do about it. I paid for this service under the pretense that there was daycare available until 1pm." All i got was a "too bad". "but I drove 40 miles", "sucks to be you" I finally left, I was making no progress. I was devastated.

Over the last three months I have been thrown countless road blocks. I've hurdled every single one. I am soooooo intensely devoted to my goal that I will not allow anything to stop me, and here was this woman. Unhelpful, uncommitted to her clients, stopping me and I couldn't do a damn thing about it. It was too much for me. I wanted to slug her for being complacent and smug. I wanted to scream at her that I was actually trying to accomplish something other than to maintain a desirable physique. My body was a tool and needed sharpened and she was telling me "no", and all I could do was take Willem back to my car. Drive the 40 miles home past the three slide off's, and nasty accident (which had now multiplied into 7 slide offs and two nasty accidents) and do tae bo.

I cried all the way home. Heavy chest heaving cries. I wasn't sad, or defeated. I was overcome with intense, angry, frustration. Which was okay with Willem, he understood. Three year olds go through this all the time. I still refuse to allow her to keep me from getting some sort of a work out in, but it amazes me how many people allow themselves to be crippled, and cripple others because of their own bitterness and complacency. I also didn't know exactly how deeply devoted I was to my goals until today. I guess I thought everyone would drive 80 miles a day to get in a work out.

freedom

As I sit here listening to the boys cry themselves to sleep, They want to stay awake and I said "no", I am reminded of why I love running so much! So much that I tore my calf because I refused to take time off.

I love running because it makes me feel alive, it makes me feel free. Cliched, I know, but I still remember expending all that pent up energy on the play ground by playing tag. When I was running, then, I never wanted to stop. I just wanted to feel the wind, feel the blood pooling in my legs, feel my body heat up electric. I wanted to go forever and see what treasures I could find. No one could tell me what to do. I didn't know I was actually good at it until 5th grade. When our P.E. teacher timed the class for the presidential fitness doohickie I beat every single 5th grader at my school. Girls and boys. I thought it was fluke until I won the 5th grade all city cross country meet. I didn't win either of them on purpose. I just loved the freedom I felt when my feet hit the ground in a wild mantra. The faster I went the freer I felt. In winning I discovered power. Not over others, but the power harnessed within my legs. The power is contained within the mantra. As I unleash that power onto the pavement in the even rhythm of my feet, I unharness my spirit. To not run is suffocating and chlosterphobic.

Not everyday can be a day when I feel an "even rhythm". There are days when I feel like crap, legs all clumsy. Still, when I run, it's the days when I'm over taken by that wild mantra that I love the most. That's what keeps me at it!

valentinianish reflection

I've been thinking about my lame ass valentine's card, Valentine's Day, and Marriage. I've come to a few conclusions so brace yourself. First of all St. Valentine forwent (is that a word? it is now) love for martyrdom in the name love. So expecting something from someone on Valentines Day counters the true sentiment of the holiday. Second, all Valentine gave the woman he loved was a note (rejecting her offers) on a piece of sheep skin. At least I wasn't rejected. Third, the marriage thing... here comes the ramblings. Can you feel it?

My relationship with the note writter has spanned almost 9 years. That is one hell of a committment. I haven't kept up any other relationship for that long, and neither has he. We've been through some really REALLY ROUGH patches. Like the time we (and both the boys) were living on raman noodles and oatmeal.

During that time we had to spend any "extra" money to re-plumb the entire house... we went without water for 2 weeks. He was working 12 hours a day 6 days a week in a factory, coming home and plumbing. While i was home I was managing a 4 year old and a 2 year old on 0 dollars, no water, and little food. But they never knew it. We had fun anyway. The boys thought it was a game to catch the water in a bucket straight out of the main in the basement. Even through all our hardships our relationship has never really been tested. Our committment to each other, our marriage, our children some how out weighs any hardship, let alone some trinket of love.

I think I'll count my blessings that I still smell his clothes when I fold them. My breath escapes me when we kiss. He still reaches for my hand in secret. That Cooper rolls his eyes when we embrace and says, "oh great, Make out" and walks away smiling. That He stands up for me, cheers for me, praises me, believes me always, and knows me as well as I know myself. I do the same for him. WE both make HUGE sacrifices and don't keep a tally. We are best friends still. That is a miracle. That is a gift.

Happy flippin Valentines Day

I KNOW HE FEELS GUILTY BUT COME ON.... EVERYONE IN THE FAMILY GOT SOMETHING BUT ME. BECAUSE I'M THE ONE WHO GOT MY ASS TO THE STORE TO GET THEM STUFF. NO RESPECT I TELL YA. AND WE'RE NOT BROKE ASSES... YOU CAN AFFORD A DAMN CARD AT LEAST!

Random happenings

It's past one am. I'm only awake because I have to get Casey in a few hours. I have nothing new to report. NO amazing stories. Except a few things the boys did that amazed me today.

School was cancelled today due to the ridiculously cold temps. I rejoiced at the extra time with the boys. They chose to spend most of the time playing, without me. *sigh* *shrug* They set up a tent in Coopers room. Mr. Naturalist himself of course came up with the idea. The tent looked perfectly natural in his room considering the walls are all murals to look like a beautiful sunny day. They kept the flap facing his TV open! Imagine that. They watched their Caillou DVD, I gave them lunch there. (note to the weary. They do not get any channels up there! They can only watch DVDs. Easier to monitor!)

It brought back so many memories of my own adventures. I think I was lucky my parents didn't hover so much. They let me go to Annie land and stay there all day if I wanted. So, as much as I wanted to be in on the camping trip I stayed out, but I did sit on the steps and listen for a while. I didn't even realize I was smiling until my face was sore. Who knows how long I sat there! It was wonderful.

When Cooper was done with that he got out the colored paper and crayons and made what looked like an interesting pie chart with numbers on it. I was informed later that it was a target "like the ones they have in bars." HUmmmm kay? Permission was granted for use of the scissors. He then proceeded to make a gun out of Lego's, and one lonely rubber band. After taping the target to his wall he occupied himself for a solid hour with the contraption!

Next on the list, 4 loaves of homemade bread! Of course they couldn't be ordinary! We died them interesting colors! Like red (red bread is scary looking), green, and blue.

Will was an all day happy accomplice, and contributor of ideas.

They both amaze me!

you can do it!

to here>
Just to look down.
I was curious!
I can take a little R and R, right!
HELL YA!!!!!


<I climbed this (and then some... okay... a lot more than this)

a little mourning

As I drove to my parents today I passed some of my favorite running loops. I was frightened. Frightened because those loops are beginning to feel like lost acquaintances whose essence I occasionally miss; or a random craving for hummus, and not the close friends I have routinely depended on for all things, physical, emotional, and spiritual. I am grappling for anything to hold on. I've focused on eatting more fresh foods, on strength training, anything that makes me feel as though I am still doing what the competition is not willing to do. If I only had access to an indoor pool, then I'd be more at ease. That definition I have had of myself as an elite runner is fading as I begin to wonder if I'll ever get it back. Those thoughts are weaknesses I purge daily. The purging is becoming more and more difficult, but necessary if I am going to get back to kicking ass. I'm up for the challenge. Seems I have a lot of challenges facing me these days... I'm tough, I'm buff, I'm not in it alone, most of all I'm a stubborn ass! (if that sounds like a little self pep talk it was!)