Coming out of the Closet

While I have been a Christian my entire life, not because my parents made me, but because I have a gift.  A gift of child-like faith.  I haven't always admitted it.  I wasn't gifted with the courage I needed to live that faith.  I went along just fine living what I believed until I hit serious opposition, until it got hard, college.  Then I retreated into myself.  I pulled my beliefs safely into a closet out of sight of people that would assume that because I believed in Jesus I was diluted, a non-intellectual, a prude, a judgmental bible thumping fundamentalist.  I was none of those things. I AM none of those things.  Neither are most of the Christian's I know.  Just read John Acuff's blog today.

There is one problem with putting what you believe in a closet.  Your life becomes a lie.  You begin to live according to someone else's rules so that you can divert attention away from what you've hidden in the closet.  This happens very slowly, with small compromises so that you hardly notice the affects.  Eventually, instead of your life being a testament to what you stand for, your life becomes a testament to what other people stand for.  This was quite ironic in my case, as I have always stood for following your heart, stepping to the beat of your own drummer.

My husband and I, during this time still left ourselves open to do God's will.  We were willing to move cross country, to let God lead us in family decisions.  We trusted him with the unexpected news of Cooper's pregnancy and the hardships of my pregnancy with Will.  We went to church most Sundays at first, but eventually stopped.  However, most of our friends wouldn't have known this based on the way we lived our lives daily.    We were living as Peter after the crucifixion.  It is impossible to, as they say "live in the spirit" when you won't profess your faith.  I actually have to use scripture to explain this further.  "Light" is God/Christ, and we are led to the light by following the inspirations of the Holy spirit. "For everyone who does wicked things hates the light and does not come toward the light, so that his works might not be exposed but whoever LIVES the truth comes to the light, so that his works may be clearly seen as done in God." (John 3:20)  I think wicked is a bit much, but I got the point.

After we moved to Virginia I bought myself a bible, after having several disturbing dreams (that is another post or even page entirely).  It was my first bible since High School.  Having been an English Major in college, and having taught Literature for 4 years, I had a new lens on this "literary" work.  I am not one that reads in a linear fashion.  I tend to read a bit on a page and flip through until I find something else interesting, this made my college years interesting.  I was doing this in my new bible when I stumbled upon John 3:20 and realized that there was no duality in life.  That I had to LIVE what I believed.  I realized that "live" and "love" when used in the Bible are VERBS, as they should be in life.  Parables and metaphors I once glazed over came to life and hit me right in the face.  "whoever loves his life will lose it, and whoever hates his life in this world will preserve it for eternal life." "Life" in this passage was what Joseph Campbell calls the "right hand path" or the the life society tells you to live.  The life society values, which is in direct conflict with the path valued by most spiritual teaching.  This made sense to me finally!  As did "if the world hates you, realize that it hated me first" (John 15:18) and "In the world you will have trouble, but take COURAGE.  I have conquered the world" (John 16:33).

Being as intellectual as I am the depth of the words I was reading and their applicability to life, to my life was like a long drink for a seriously dehydrated mind.  I could almost feel my sad, emaciated brain plump up.  It was then that I realized the impossibility of being true to myself while refusing to live my faith ACTIVELY.  Just as it is impossible to stay married if you lock your love for your spouse away in your heart, and never SHOW it in action to your spouse.  They won't know you FEEL love for them if you don't act loving toward them.  You must live your feelings/beliefs ACTIVELY.  I would gain courage, and knowledge to face the criticism if I faced it.

In all reality the Bible dovetails perfectly with all the things I know of Eastern Religions, The writings of the Dali Lama, Carl Jung, Aristotle, Plato, and Joseph Campbell's lectures (ie: There is ONE world Mythology).  We are all living within the context of that mythology, within the context of the bible.  They all point in the same direction, even if they use different vernaculars, and lexicons they are all rationalizing the same thing.  As offensive as it may seem, the truth I found is that Christianity calls a spade a spade.  We are all either living in and working toward the light; denying ourselves those "earthly pleasures", those "pleasures of the flesh" that are immediately gratifying and ultimately self-destructive.  In the light we work toward our best self, toward thinking and living positively, and bettering our world.  Or we are living in the darkness gratifying ourselves, living only to satisfy our temporary earthly desires and ultimately hurting ourselves and the world around us with our selfishness, bitterness, and negativity.  As humans, and this is scientifically backed, we default to self-gratification and negativity if we are left to our own devices.  We need something greater than ourselves to pull ourselves out of the "darkness".  If we aren't living in the light we are living in the darkness.  This isn't to say that some people live in the light and refuse to acknowledge it is the light of God.  They call it something else,something more PC.  I got tired of talking around the truth.  This why it was impossible for me to be a "closet Christian".

I realized couldn't live in the light at home, and in the darkness out in the world.  The habits and values of the world are in such contrast with the values that drive me from within, my "Bliss" as Campbell would call it, the "Holy Spirit" as we Christian's call it.  This is why my coming out of the "closet" may seem abrupt to some, when in fact it hasn't been.  If I am to be honest with myself, I must follow that inner drive regardless of where I am, who I am with.  If anything the bible, the Catechism, and even Joseph Campbell give me the strength call a spade a spade, to take my life back and say, "Yes, I am Christian and intellectual".  Now, I let my life be proof.